Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

This must be a reverse. If not, I'm glad you're not my Mum.

I suspect that you've had a comfortable marriage for many years and neither of you have had to endure the realities of modern life. Unfortunately, people can be fickle and this can be especially difficult at your daughter's age when she thinks she has found the one, and was perhaps planning a family. It actually happened to me. My ex left and I am now childless and heartbroken. You see, there maybe more to it than her "drama" of a simple relationship break up.

My parents are like you. They have 4 children and we all feel hurt by their lack of empathy and selfish manner. My sister miscarried her baby at 12 weeks, my mum responded, "That happened to someone in my office". She didn't visit. I told her I was leaving my ex, a man who promised to have children with me, but time ticked on and he changed his mind. I was 42yrs. Her response was, "Oh well, I thought you might".

I guarantee, you have seriously damaged your relationship with your daughter. If you want a relationship with her, just for one minute try and think how it must feel to be alone at 30, I know that's difficult when you've never been alone, but just try.

If she were any of my DD's I'd have gone to see her no question!..

@EmmaWizard909 'My daughter is now a guest in our home as she’s 30 and no longer lives here. '

Mate there is something very wrong with you.

Your comment "I was married at her age!" as though you're somehow superior for that turn of fate is particularly disgusting.

Did you ever think your DD might be worried about that side of things? To get dumped at 30 could be very worrying for her.

The last time my DD ( 30) rang to say she was sick and "needed a hug" , I caught the next plane out of town and flew 1,000km to be there the next morning to deliver the required hug. That's what mothers do.

I'm also 60, work full time, and I cannot comprehend how you and your DH are "too tired" after working two days a week. You don't know you're alive.

People on this thread just can't help but be downright nasty just for the shear hell of it.

We’ve spent the majority of our lives bringing up two children and now we want to do and saw things before we die.

Fabric is one of those things you had to see? I can't believe that at the very least you didn't see her as well.

Your DD is being gracious and forgiving. As a parent I cannot imagine ever being as selfish as you or you're DH

Reading all your follow up posts I actually think you are a real person, crazy!

My own Mum would probably spout similar stuff to you about how she has always been there for her kids and she sue has made similarly crappy offers like

offering to visit my sister for 1 night when her 3 year old was diagnosed with leukaemia - she was doing her best - she could only get her long term, live in partner to watch her dogs for 1 nights as it was 'too much for him, she couldn't trust him to take care of them for longer'.

or the time she said to me 'if you had let me help you find a house we could have found a better one that needed less work' while omitting the fact that she had told me at 20 'you have 2 weeks to find a house and move out as I only let you only keep living here because I couldn't afford to put the dogs in kennels while I was on holidays'

Wonderful supportive parents are great, ones that are supportive in a way that only suits you, not so much. I can't believe you think you did your daughter a favour when you answered her calls on holiday and think of her phone calls in terms of wrecking your relaxing holiday with stress. Every post you make just about makes you look worse but if you are anything like my mum (little letter m on Mum by the way) it will be a cold day in hell before you will see you are not as great to her as you think.

YABU I am 25 myself and would fully expect my parents to be around to support me if me and my partner split up.

Its a time when you feel worthless and alone, the fact she has reached out to you should be a blessing.

I cannot sympathise with any of these ridiculous excuses not to go round to comfort her.

I'd walk over hot coals for my children.

If my children are hurting I hurt. She directly asked you to come around. To me, it doesn't sound like she could rely on you when she really needs you

It doesn't sound that you're very close to your daughter. It's sad

@EmmaWizard909
So your broken hearted daughter was feeling rejected and alone and you chose to respond to that by further rejecting her because you wanted to go shopping?

You say she threw a list of accusations at you including;
I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her.

Why are you arguing/upset about these statements - they appear to be true facts that you’ve conceded in your OP? So why are you arguing with her and resenting her yet further for calling you out on your own shoddy behaviour?

When I broke up with my ex my mum flew from the UK to Australia for a week or so to support me. She lives here but was on holiday with my Dad for a few months. You couldn’t even drive an hour. Sad

Fabric sale??

Your dh can drive 45 minutes to the fabric but not 60 minutes to his daughter.

What is the fabric for?

I was 36 at the time too. Your husband is also an ass

My Mum would have come for me and I’d go for my daughters. It can be difficult to ask for help when you are grown up and your response does come across as quite cold. It would be different if there were persistently dramas, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case from your post.

You feel bad because you know your daughter is right. It doesn’t matter what age you are, there are times you need support from people who are supposed to care for you, and nobody is supposed to care for you more than your parents.

The tricky demanding one was always the one who needs you most.
Our 3rd child tested our patience/love/sanity for a time but we never waived.

I think your child is stuck in time waiting for ye to show up.

This is so sad and so avoidable with a little tlc down through the years.

A text relationship isn’t worth the screen it’s written on.

Wake up OP

Wow, only skimmed the thread but I thank my lucky stars that I have parents who are the exact opposite of you and your husband.

Age is irrelevant, you are her parents! If she can’t rely on you to pick up the pieces when her life is falling apart who can she rely on? You seriously can’t drive one hour to see her after a breakup? My parents once drove through the night to pick my Brother up from the other end of the country after a breakup. I can guarantee if I called them any time of the day or night they would be there for me for reasons more trivial than this.

I am sad for your Daughter she doesn’t have that kind of safety net. I have never understood people who have children and abdicate all responsibility for them when they reach adulthood. Why have kids if you can’t be arsed with them?

Also, 60 is not old by a long stretch.

i simply cannot understand that as a parent. She deserves better. we are adult children ourselves, and empathy transcends age, generational cultures etc.

My mum is similar (im 35) and she retired early but like OP thinks working 2 days and having so many tasks and social shit is soooo busy she cant find time to speak to a struggling full time working mum with 3 young children

Enjoy your fabrics, have a lovely semi retirement and life.

Did you have a good relationship with your own mother, OP?

It all does sound odd - but my PIL behaved in a similar manner when I had a miscarriage. They couldn't understand why DH was upset or that he needed emotional support. My MIL actually hung up on him as she was in the middle of cooking and couldn't just turn off the cooker and talk to her distraught (adult) child. When he called to the house they told him miscarriages were nothing and that it was his fault (!), and refused to look after our DS the following day so we had to take him to the hospital with us.

They also add up any financial gifts/support/child raising (as in when they were raising DH) costs. Apparently DH wanted for nothing growing up, although he actually bought his own Christmas present one year as he knew his parents would get him nothing and he couldn't face going back to (primary) school without having something to say he'd got - he paid the local shop off 10 and 20p at a time until the shop owner let him off the rest of the money and gave him the game. Funnily enough sometimes my MIL even claims to have bought things for us that we bought ourselves.

But my MIL had a childhood of poverty and she was sexually abused by one or two of her brothers apparently. She varies her story so we're not really sure, and sometimes completely denies it, while breaking down about it at other times. She couldn't tell her often mother because she felt she wouldn't be believed. So she can't really be expected to behave in a normal way, and FIL just backs her up completely as nobody is allowed to upset her, and if you say that she has upset you he gets very angry.

My then 72 year old DM did come when I miscarried - she did a six or seven hour journey by herself, by bus and train as she couldn't drive herself due to having a broken bone in her foot and having to wear a big boot thing. My DF is dead or he would have driven her and been there for me too.

Another time I had a minor car accident but I was quite shaken up and so was DS - a lovely woman insisted on staying with me until somebody came. PIL arrived (it was close to their house and DH was miles away with work) asked me if the car was going (yes) and said 'all right then, we were on our way to (nearest big town) for shopping, so we'll be off'. Literally left me there shaking and upset at the side of the road. Because shopping. A stranger was nicer and kinder.

They often mention about getting on in years too.

I think my PIL think they were good parents because they didn't hit DH and he had clothes and food and holidays.

Anyway, OP, I hope you can somehow see that there is something not normal in your family relationships and maybe you'll find that overwhelming love for your daughter in your heart someday. Best of luck to you and her.

I wouldn't have called my parents at any age over a break up. It's just not in my nature, however if my DD called in distress over a break up, then I would go to her.

I wouldn't prioritise any shopping.

If she's had a long list of break ups, I can understand why you might be fed up though.

Her messages to you probably came from a place of pain and hurting as well.

Why don't you go and see her.

Op are you ok? Are you worried about your husband's reaction were you to change plans and go and see your daughter?

Can you drive?

Also makes me sad that you say your daughter is now a guest in your home. My children will always have a home wherever I am.

OP, I think you've had a proper roasting here and without knowing the ins and outs of your past relationship with your daughter, people are being keyboard warrior twats as usual. I can see this from all sides; I can potentially image that your adult daughter might be difficult. Not sure how anyone can blindly call you a terrible person when they don't know any of your past.

What matters is that it's made you both think about moving forward and repairing whatever wrong judgement either of you might have made.

I hope it all works out ok.