Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

I have honestly never been so disgusted in a thread in all my time on mumsnet.
Sending flowers and best wishes to your daughter. she sure as hell needs it with you and her father 'supporting' her

The OP is also apparently exhausted by typing!! And she's contributed so much!

Oh and for those few defending the OP, I take it you'd also side with the DD when she refuses to drive all that way to help her parents in 20 years time. After all, she'll be 50 by then, unable to leave the house and having to lie down with fabric bargains every day.

PS Can we see the fabric? It must be something special.

Are you for real?? I have two dds that I would cross hot coals for if they were in distress. Grumpy self righteous H or not!!!
Assuming you are looking for advice, get in a car and get over to your daughter, it's only an hour away.

Wow! Is this real?! You chose shopping for fabric over your clearly distraught daughter? YABVU and your DH is an arsehole.

You sound totally out of touch with your daughter and lacking in empathy- you would have invited her over to dinner and chatted? She was heart broken not in need of a chat and dinner, love, comfort and reassurance- sounds like she finally told you how she feels about her relationship with you. Take it as an opportunity to mend your relationship and develop some emotional intimacy with your daughter, you need to put your hurt to onside, if you care enough to salvage this on any meaningful level.

@serialtester I have 3 adult dc's.

Not really sure why you are asking though, you don't have to have adult dc's to criticize the op.

I hope you won’t ever need her in your old age. She might have fabric shopping to do.

Good luck with it all.

Well OP no matter what happens now, you’re on record as not being there for your daughter when she needed you. And for a really pathetic reason - you simply couldn’t be bothered and were completely selfish. That resentment is going to fester away and trust me, she’ll never forget it.

In your subsequent posts you kept trying to justify your appalling behaviour but I think deep down, you knew then and there that was your daughter said in the heat of the moment was right - you are a shit mother. Otherwise why post here if you really felt you’d done nothing wrong? Truth hurts.

I feel really really sorry for her, fiery personality or not, she deserves better. And to top it off in gobsmacked that she can’t call your house her home anymore. How cruel. I hope you and your husband are happy with each other’s company because if you carry on with this selfish behaviour, you’re going to end up alone.

What a sad post. Both you and your DH were cold and selfish when your daughter needed you most.
My DH is 60 next year, he works 5 days a week and travels a lot with work, we have a 16 year old DC, and older DC at Uni and a dog...he would laugh out loud if I asked if he was “too tired “ to drive to rugby, walk the dog , go out in his bike, go running or the gym......drive to and from Uni digs several times each term..... and all the other things he does for us /with us every week. You talk as though you and your DH are 90!
Your daughter was let down badly by you, she is in pain and upset. If I were her I would have said the same. She must feel very hurt.

It’s curtains for you, OP.

This can’t be real surely? You had plans to go fabric shopping? And didn’t go to the aid of your distraught daughter because of this?

If this is genuine then:
Thank god im NOT your daughter

Your only 60 and get tired after 2/3 days working
You have every evening together and 4 full day & nights, bloody hell how much time do u need
It’s 45 mins to shop, and he can manage that plus walk round shop
But can’t do 15 mins extra drive to your daughter
Pair of selfless t...

Just hope she treats you the same when one day you or husband needs her to help
And that day will come one day
Let’s hope she remembers back to when she needed help

You don’t deserve kids, when there 30
Don’t bother us now, f... me

My mother started with the "I'm an old lady now" schtick when she was still in her fifties and fit as a butcher's dog.

Your daughter knows it's because you're simply bored by her emotional needs, you can't be bothered - and so do you.

@EmmaWizard909
I've spent my children's lives always there for them. I will be here for them until I am no longer here.

It's not your children or enjoying the things you would like to do. It should be both. Material possessions may give you a bit of joy, but they will never give you as much joy as the love of your children, and their love for you. Actual love, not love from obligation.

I didn't grow up with a mum but my grandfather used to drive over an hour each way to comfort me and lift my spirits when I was in a very abusive / controlling relationship in my teens to mid 20's and he's the one who built up my self esteem to get out of it.
He was in his mid 70's but he loved me and couldn't stand to see me hurt.
God I miss that man.
He died 12 years ago last month and I'll forever be grateful, more than grateful for that unconditional love and support.
I don't have any family in the UK now ( except my 2 DC , eldest named after beautiful, amazing grandfather & DH) non of my DH's family would drive for 5 minutes to help us out.
She now knows where she stands with you.
You're a shitty , selfish mother and your DH is just awful.
You should be ashamed.

@HeavyMetalHoneyMonster - I see what you did there

Well obviously a fabric sale vs daughter distress, no brainer OP!
Reminds me of the time that my own rather useless mother was too busy to see me in a time of need, because she was writing her Christmas cards

Wow, I’m glad you’re not my mum!
I can’t believe you chose to go fabric shopping instead of responding to your daughters direct plea for your help.
I hope your daughter is ok and has good friends she can turn to instead.

The fact that you had to correct yourself because you got her age wrong by 4 years in the OP, sums it all up for me

OP - you sound just like my mother.
Thankfully she's dead.

to be fair, I knew her well enough that I wouldn't have called her in the first place.

My parents moved from Scotland to the south of England when I split with my ex husband to be closer to me. Also going through some difficulties this month at work they have driven for 1.5 hours each way just to sit in a coffee shop while I was in meetings just to support me before and after. I could call anytime day or night and they'd be there for me. Also I've never lived in my parents current house but it's still "home" as they are there. Your poor daughter I hope she has other support.

What horrible cold parents you and your husband are. Your daughter's description of you isn't wrong.