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Original poster

Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

999 replies

EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 20:57

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

OP posts:
Tangofandango · 21/11/2019 23:21

When I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 60 I phoned my mother. She (82 at the time) and my father (88) immediately got into their car and drove for 45 minutes to get to me. Whilst I was going through treatment they came over every other day to support me and my family. That is called being a parent. That is parental love.

Original poster
EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 23:21

I don’t think my duty is done, but both me and DH want a bit of our time now. We’ve spent the majority of our lives bringing up two children and now we want to do and saw things before we die. Having set our children up for life, we’d like a bit of time for us.

I’ve had various texts with my daughter and we are going to meet at the weekend. We’ve both recognised we said the wrong things and I’ve apologised for not going over

OP posts:
Dappledsunlight · 21/11/2019 23:22

mynameisigglepiggle

Grin
Nodnol · 21/11/2019 23:23

I hope the fabric was worth it. Cause that’s all you’ll have one day.

Ibizafun · 21/11/2019 23:23

Sickening. I’m really not hard on anyone on here- or RL- but I can only hope the day comes when you are forced to call your daughter, your baby, in real agony and she tells you sorry she’s off to look for fabric.

WhereTheWildFlowersAre · 21/11/2019 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myrtleWilson · 21/11/2019 23:24

Gotta take those fabric shopping opportunities when you can OP.

Ibizafun · 21/11/2019 23:24

“I hope the fabric was worth it. Cause that’s all you’ll have one day”.

^^ This sums it up perfectly.

nespressowoo · 21/11/2019 23:24

You are just coming across as more and more selfish and self-centred with your replies.

'Your time' trumps your daughter needing you. Heartbreaking.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 21/11/2019 23:25

I am still struggling to believe that the OP is for real, am I the only one?

lyralalala · 21/11/2019 23:25

The day you realise you can't rely on your parents is a hard one.

Your poor DD was asking you to help her. She's never asked before. You told her you were too tired, but she was only asking you to make a drive 15 minutes longer than the one you made.

Getting her age wrong says quite a lot to me. My parents always got our ages wrong. They didn't care about getting it right.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 21/11/2019 23:25

I have 3 adult children , when they come over they are not guests, what a strange thing to say, this is still their home.

TryingToBeBold · 21/11/2019 23:26

Ive had various texts with my daughter and we are going to meet at the weekend. We’ve both recognised we said the wrong things and I’ve apologised for not going over

And how does DH feel about this given he seems to be pulling the strings.
Is he going?
IWhat if she apologises.. would be apologise as well?

bathroomideas · 21/11/2019 23:26

"Why is it her home until the day we die? This is just ridiculous now. She no longer lives here and therefore is a guest. How can I possibly be criticised for that"
I guess it depends how you view the term "guest" we really go out of our way to make "guests" in our home feel welcome, we pride ourself on our warm hospitality so if that's what you mean by "guest" then maybe its ok. But I generally expect a friend/guest to let me know that they're going to stay even if its just a few hours notice but I wouldn't expect my DS to do this, its his family home, he can come here whenever he wants, I don't have to be around when he arrives, although I try to be as I'm so pleased to see him. He probably would let me know if he was coming because of the distance he comes therefore its usually planned advance.

readitandwept · 21/11/2019 23:27

We’ve spent the majority of our lives bringing up two children and now we want to do and saw things before we die.

Mind and turn your phone off while you're away doing and seeing.

Don't want that pesky daughter calling you.

Such resentment towards the existence of child you chose to have.

Catsandchardonnay · 21/11/2019 23:28

You say she gave you abuse. No she didn’t, she told you the truth. You are a shit mother.

AlexaShutUp · 21/11/2019 23:28

OP, perhaps your own parents were quite cold and distant towards you when you were an adult, so you find it ridiculous when other people suggest that your dd should never feel like a guest in your home. However, for many of us, the idea of being "guests" in our parents' homes - or of our children being "guests" in our own homes - is utterly incomprehensible.

Fair enough, all families do things differently and some parents will not be as close to their adult children as others. However, it is very unusual to be so detached and so unsupportive. Was it your decision to "decline" her request for support last week or was it your DH's? And are you perhaps going against your natural instincts as a mother because you're afraid of his disapproval?

TryingToBeBold · 21/11/2019 23:28

And.. when you say bringing them up. Your 60odd. When do you class bringing them up as ending? 18? So a third of your life?
30? Half?

She wanted you for one day. Yes it might happen more than youd like but.. on this occasion.. one day.
You have 4 others that remaining week (you work 2) and your DH 3 (working 3).
Plenty of time to have your time. Or the week after Confused

BlueDinosaur · 21/11/2019 23:30

The most important thing in all this is that you sorted the fabric, you must really need to make them new curtains, what did you go for in the end?

I find it hard to believe this is real, but on the off chance it is I am 36, married with children, if something went tits up I'd go to my parents. When my brothers marriage broke down a few years ago in his mid 30s he drove to my parents house, told them everything and cried (his wife was an alcoholic, no one knew, everything had gone to shit!). They listened, they helped, they supported. Just because you are in your 30s, married or whatever it doesn't mean you can't turn to your parents for support. I'm glad my parents don't think like you, "sorry you are having the worst time of your life but we're off to dunelm for some curtains". As if.

PeterRouseTheFleshofMankind · 21/11/2019 23:31

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction.

You fucking 'declined'? To go fabric shopping?

She is your daughter.

You are crappy parents.

diavlo · 21/11/2019 23:31

Firstly, your DD was BU to be rude to you both, however I do have sympathy for her.

IMO you should be able to call upon your parents for support regardless of what age you are. My DM lives 500miles away and would be on a plane tonight If I needed her, and i’m nearly 50!
My DC are only 14&17, but I can’t imagine a time or situation where they wouldn’t be able to count on me being there for them.

PeterRouseTheFleshofMankind · 21/11/2019 23:31

I still think this must be a reverse.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 21/11/2019 23:32

@EmmaWizard909
So you can both set up your children financially (as u have said) ...but going to buy SALE fabric is more important than going to see your child....age isn't relevant at all op! She will always be your child and from now on I suggest you start acting more motherly towards her instead of throwing money at her...just remember that when your both old she might be the one choosing where you go care home wise etc....and that's the time you will look back and think shit wish we wasnt so selfish and we put our kids first before shopping....as you might possibly end up Very Lonely in your old age op! ....just hope this is a reverse as thisnisnt what your parents should do at all.

AlexaShutUp · 21/11/2019 23:36

I don’t think my duty is done, but both me and DH want a bit of our time now. We’ve spent the majority of our lives bringing up two children and now we want to do and saw things before we die. Having set our children up for life, we’d like a bit of time for us.

I don't disagree with this. I think it's entirely reasonable to prioritise your own wants and needs at this stage of your life, and I don't think everything should revolve around the demands of your adult children. However, on this occasion, your dd was in crisis and you wanted to go and buy fabric?! Seriously?

It's just odd.

Aria2015 · 21/11/2019 23:36

I'm older than your daughter and I still turn to my mum when I'm upset. Unfortunately mum lives a flight away but she's still jumped on a plain when I've had personal upset. I'd definitely expect her to come to me if I were in your daughters shoes. Age has nothing to do with it, she was asking for your support and you should have given it to her.