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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

999 replies

EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 20:57

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

OP posts:
noworlater13 · 21/11/2019 23:13

So you rejected her... like her dp had?... made her feel unimportant?
I hope she see that emotional issues are separate to physical issues like your dp and you seem to.
Because if it was a physical problem you would of definitely been there.
Well hopefully you don't need her down the line because you now have a huge shit mark on your relationship.
Next time maybe you shouldn't side with the man if your unsure and actually have your own thoughts.

CoastalWave · 21/11/2019 23:14

Haven't time to read the whole thread..but I will say, this is possibly a generational thing. My parents would probably react in the same way. Also believe once you're married with kids etc you're old enough to sort yourself out! Also that their parents would never ever have helped so they learned to stand on their own two feet.

I do hope though that my daughter will be able to ring me in tears and I'd go straight round.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 21/11/2019 23:14

Why is it her home until the day we die? This is just ridiculous now. She no longer lives here and therefore is a guest. How can I possibly be criticised for that

This is a really unusual way of thinking to many people OP, lots of people have expressed surprise at that particular comment - it honestly is unusual but I get that it isn't to you.

saraclara · 21/11/2019 23:14

I hope my daughters never feel that they are 'guests' in my home. It's their family home and always will be.
Jeeze, I never had to feel like a guest in my inlaws' home, never mind my parents'. I was family.

victoria0132 · 21/11/2019 23:14

She didn't take up the offer of coming to your home because would have been unsafe for her to drive in that state. I can't believe you wouldn't at least go and visit first thing the following morning. Mental health is not to be taken lightly and when someone reaches out you should do everything you can to help them, not have an argument with them and make them feel lower in the priority list than some fabrics! Crazy. You have some serious apologising to do.

bathroomideas · 21/11/2019 23:15

"How many people kicking the OP have actually got adult children??"
@serialtester I have grown up children and I'm considered by everyone I know to be the total opposite to a helicopter parent I have encouraged my children to be independent from an early age.

Deadsouls · 21/11/2019 23:15

Maybe you just have very different ideas about parenting. In a literal sense, yes your daughter is 'guest', but I suppose what ppl are getting at is 'emotionally' it is still home. You sound quite emotionally detached in some ways, I'm only going on what your written here.

Penguin34 · 21/11/2019 23:15

I'm 36 and my mum would have walked the 35 miles if needed!

Groovinpeanut · 21/11/2019 23:16

Too exhausted to defend yourself?
There is no defence! You probably need to get back to working all week OP get your energy levels back up. You and hubby working 2/3 days and shopping for fabric seems to be all too exhausting. You sound very feeble the pair of you. Too much time on your hands!

Minionoftheantichrist · 21/11/2019 23:16

My DD is 34 and lives 5 hours (the journey involves bus, 2 trains, tube and taxi). On several occasions I’ve just thrown stuff into a case and got on the next train when there’s been health or other issues. I couldn’t speak to my parents about anything upsetting as they couldn’t cope. I want DD to know I’ll be there unless I’m unwell and unable to travel. I will be 60 next year and my health isn’t great but I know what it’s like to not be able to talk about anything upsetting with my parents.

Dappledsunlight · 21/11/2019 23:16

Your daughter reached out to you. Also, this mundane detail about fabric shopping understandably adds to her pain...so she's competing with your shopping plans. Whether 30 or 90, we all need support at times. It's a compliment that she asked for your help. Sounds like you at least are reflecting on your decision, whereas your husband sounds a bit intransigent. Ring her up and be the bigger person; be a proper parent.

Runkle · 21/11/2019 23:16

Do your daughter a favour and leave her be. She's better off without your poor attempts at 'helping'.

AlexaShutUp · 21/11/2019 23:16

I wonder if the OP is texting her dd instead of phoning because she is worried about her DH's potential reaction?

SummerPavillion · 21/11/2019 23:17

Yes I'm still not sure the DH isn't controlling a lot of this.

Tinkerbellone · 21/11/2019 23:18

@Angela9
Absolutely 100%
Love is an action

tolerable · 21/11/2019 23:18

did you get the fabric?...hahahaha..you read that back,then realised wrong child\age and thought THATwas relevant ?? i mean,if in hurt tatters relaionship daughters shoes it might be.bloody hell!

nespressowoo · 21/11/2019 23:18

Because it is the family home. My in-laws treat me like their own daughter - I have a key and can go whenever I want.

I just can't understand it. You seem so detached and like your duty is done. It makes me so sad.

Cornishclio · 21/11/2019 23:19

My DH is 61 and I am 59 and would never turn our backs on either of our adult daughters (early 30s) if they rang and asked for support. Shopping would be the last thing on our mind, sale or not. It hardly sounds like you are on the breadline and fabric is not important.

From what you have written your DD has not abused you. All she wrote appears to be true. You sound emotionally unavailable even to the point you don't ring to speak to her after a breakup which is obviously upsetting to her. The calling you from University must have happened some years ago if she is 30 now so holding a grudge for that is quite frankly idiotic. Your DH sounds controlling and I would have gone regardless of what he said. Helping children financially does not mean that you should not be there emotionally and practically and I am astonished you would not go when you are only 35 minutes or an hours drive away. That is nothing. Our home is called home by our daughters in spite of them having their own houses. They have keys and are welcome any time.

Catsandchardonnay · 21/11/2019 23:19

OMG is this for real? Your post is the coldest, most callous one I’ve ever read. You can’t even remember your DD’s age let alone give a shit about her emotional state. Fabric? Really? That’s more important than your DD. The poor poor woman having for a mother someone with a heart of frozen granite. Your DH sounds vile and controlling btw.

Girlking · 21/11/2019 23:19

WTAF ! I have only read the first page as I cannot believe that you think it was more important to go to shop to buy fabric instead of rushing immediately to support your distraught daughter! Are you actually mad in the head? How callous 😕

SunshineAngel · 21/11/2019 23:19

Oh my god, being 30 doesn't make you immune to heartbreak. I would be absolutely gutted if I thought for one minute that my mum wouldn't come and see me if I was in that situation.

My mum would drop everything for me, I know she would.

I absolutely side with your daughter with this, and you should quite frankly be ashamed of yourself.

saraclara · 21/11/2019 23:19

How many people kicking the OP have actually got adult children??

Me for one. Two daughters, 31 and 33.

Menora · 21/11/2019 23:19

This thread makes me feel uncomfortable not because of the piling on, I honestly think OP’s tone and style had brought this on all by herself. Sometimes you see posts that rub you all the wrong ways as they are written in a temper and the poster is unable to show compassion or retrospection into their own actions. This is one of them. Sadly. I think the same post written in another way would have been better received.

There is no Mumsnet promise that all posts have to be responded to in a certain way, and posting on a public forum comes with this risk - if you are being truely honest, this post makes you sound heartless and cold. It’s possible you are just now angry and defensive, but it think this is in part your own fault - you have not asked the wrong questions, but you have written them in a very antagonistic way

MotherofTerriers · 21/11/2019 23:21

Sorry OP you’re not being reasonable. In similar circumstances I drove 400 miles starting at 5am. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Supersimkin2 · 21/11/2019 23:21

This has to be a joke. Your poor DD.

On the upside, keep up the neglect and selfishness - she's better off without you.

Hope the fabric was pretty - needs to cover up the ugliness in your naice home. Grin

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