Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

It’s all good and well you offered her to come to you instead... obviously after you’d been on the very important fabric hunt.

But you have no regard to your very upset and clearly emotionally vulnerable daughter driving herself an hour to you?
Wow.

I wonder if you would still ask if you were being unreasonable had she topped herself after coming off the phone to you.

Already feeling unwanted and alone she came to you as her parents for reassurance and love and you dismissed her and her feelings for a curtain.

Jesus. Your poor daughter. Maybe you'd be less unfeeling if your husband wasn't pulling your strings? I can't believe you ever thought you were in the right here. 10.30pm too late to drive? Sorry but you sound so incredibly selfish.

I'd go to help a colleague that I wasn't even that keen on if they asked in that situation. My children at whatever age would get my support. You should be really ashamed.

Let's stop piling on the OP. There's lots of chat from 30/40 somethings who "allegedly" have parents willing to drop everything and travel at a moments notice. I'm a parent of adult children and I might not have made the same choice as her but do not judge her. It's exactly the same as people getting pissy when they feel judged in supermarkets with toddlers.

You are both shit parents. If you actually are. You write in a very unemotional, detached manner. It's odd.

I have a tricky relationship with DD1, but I would not hesitate to drive the 40 miles to her if something awful happened. I didn't hesitate to drive the 500 miles to her, less than a week after starting a new job, when she was desperately ill. I have done the same for DD2, when we thought she had appendicitis. I drove through the early hours of the morning to meet her at the hospital.

When XH left me, DF was very ill. He got home from hospital the following week and I finally cracked and told him what had been happening, and he sat there and watched me cry and his only thought was 'what about me?' I can't tell you how much it hurt. I feel for your daughter, I really do. You are a selfish cow of the first water.

This must be a reverse or this isn’t real?!
On the off chance this is true, OP you should feel completely disgusted with yourself. Your husband sounds like an utter bell end too.

I’ve been texting my daughter.

I’m too exhausted to keep defending myself. I’ve said we messed it up.

I’m even being criticised for calling it ‘our home.’!! My daughter is now a guest in our home as she’s 30 and no longer lives here. That’s really clutching at straws with the criticism,

Did you get the fabric?

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction.

You don't sound very nice parents. I'm not surprised she's upset with you.

How many people kicking the OP have actually got adult children??

She asked for help and you let her down. Even your statements 'we invited her to our house' are cold. My husband is 68, drives 2 hours to work 3/4 times a week and would walk on water if our children needed us. You have failed her on every level in the cruellest way and your husband sounds deeply selfish.

I guess if you do truly feel remorse for having made an error of judgement, all you can do is say sorry and talk to her.

@EmmaWizard909

Texting her.. after almost a week of no contact. NOT BLOODY GOOD ENOUGH
Pick up the damn phone or go see her.

Can’t believe that you are TEXTING your daughter rather than speaking to her on the phone. Haven’t read the full thread but why on earth didn’t you drive to see her yourself rather than rely on her father? To be honest, if I were your daughter I would never speak to either of you again.

I'm glad this has helped you realise that your response was all wrong.
I hope you find a way to improve your relationship with your daughter.

I'm with her, surely fabric shopping can wait a week! It takes a lot to admit you need a parents help as an adult

You keep mentioning that she called you on holiday?? You're trying to use it as an example whereby you were 'there for her' in actual fact it's making you sound worse, because you put yourself and your phone bill above your child!

I'm 36 married with two dc, Monday morning I was sat in my mums bed crying to her. I felt so much better afterwards. I'm so lucky my mum is my mum. Sorry I think YABU. If either of my sons ever needed me like that I'd be there in a shot.

Ok without piling on you and giving you constructive advice.

To many people the motherly duties reach a limit at a certain age, and to many people they never do. If you feel you have reached yours then I think it is not unreasonable for this to feel upsetting for your DD to come to terms with it

I think the only way around this is to just apologise and not long it out with expecting all kinds of apologies from her for feeling upset and unsupported during a difficult time. Dating and RS’s are hard in modern times and if she is struggling with relationships, you aren’t helping by teaching her she isn’t particularly important to her own parents

'A guest in our home' fucks sake, woman. I don't sense a maternal bone in your body. It should be her home until the day you die!

And her shouting at you - truth must hurt.

You are despicable.

I hope it was really good fabric. Unfortunately not even cloth of gold at tuppence a yard will make up for the damage you have done to your relationship with your daughter.

"My daughter is now a guest in our home as she’s 30 and no longer lives here."
My DS no longer lives here (as I said up thread he's 455+ miles away) but he will never be a "guest" in our house, its still his home he can come whenever he wants too, he still has keys, he doesn't even have to ask, he just lets me know when he's on the way home (so that I can get extra food because he eats me out of course and home) and I can't wait to see him.

Why is it her home until the day we die? This is just ridiculous now. She no longer lives here and therefore is a guest. How can I possibly be criticised for that

I hope your poor daughter puts you in a 1 star home when your time comes! Stubborn and selfish.

Think a lot of ppl on this thread should be totally ashamed of themselves..some of these posts amount to nothing more than down right abuse. Ppl no nothing about the history to this relationship yet have jumped in with quotes of how their parents would be there if they asked. I think at 30 years of age to make demands of this nature towards parents is ridiculously selfish and spoilt behaviour...if its a one off and out of character for an adult child to make this demand by all means yes you should drop everything but if this is repeated behaviour i think a lot of ppl,if being honest,would not drop everything and go running. We dont have all the facts and all the back ground,the nastiness behind some posts is really cruel!