Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

Everyone who keeps saying this can't be real. It's great that it's so surprising to you, I mean that, but I know quite a few older parents like this and they all back each other up and convince themselves they're in the right and honestly believe the best way to parent is to leave their child to sink or swim. You've only to read many of the threads on here about how hard some parents are on their teens to know there's a lot of these kinds of parents about. It does so much damage to children to have this kind of conditional and distant parenting.

I can't believe this. I'm 63 and my husband is 69, but if one of our children had rung up clearly needing support, we'd have gone the same night. An hour's drive away is nothing.

And we would never have prioritised bloody shopping, however good the sale was.

I’d be miffed if my parents chose to go get fabric rather than spend time with me regardless of whether I was upset

You’re 100% in the wrong.

If my daughter needed me I would go her even though she is on the other side of the world.

My 70 year old mother flew back from Spain the day after I broke up with my boyfriend. This is what mothers do. You sound horrific and I hope your daughter never speaks to you again as I can't see what she would get from a relationship with a woman with such a heart of ice cold stone.

Gosh I feel awful for your daughter. My mum would of been there in a heartbeat, I've been through this before (early 20's) and my mum was over right away with me crying with me and comforting me. Sometimes all we need is our mum, your daughter will probably distance herself now and feel she can't come to you when she needs to.

OP, I don't think that you and your DH are bad parents. I had wondered if your DD has a history of being a drama llama and expecting you to drop everything and your update confirmed it. There are no grandchildren and it wasn't a long marriage that would warrant such histrionics! Your daughter sounds a bit immature and perhaps should focus on developing some friendships with people her own age. I think that is a bit OTT, no one died and she hasn’t been diagnosed with a terrible disease. She can very well get in her car and come over in the afternoon. She sounds a bit of an exhausting nightmare.

How emotionally incompetent can someone possibly be? Not just to refuse to go to their child who has cried out for help but then to refuse to see this is an issue. I’m on the verge of asking for her address so I can go over!

Oh well then if there's a sale on....

Shopping v distraught daughter.

We are very tired from working 2 days a week. But have enough energy to go shopping.

You are welcome to come to us at our convenience.....

I can feel the care and kindness from here!

My mum would've done anything for me. As I would for my daughter.

I'm so grateful for my loving, caring parents who are always there for me and my siblings when we've needed them, and vice versa. We are in our 40s and they are in their 70s. We love them and they love us and our kids and we'll do anything to support and help each other.

I was married with 4 kids and when my relationship broke down my DM was straight over, and she would’ve been if we’d only been together a year. She definitely wouldn’t have chosen me over fabric shopping

Wow I haven't read the full thread yet but honestly?!
I come from a family that are neither particularly close physically or emotionally, but if any single one of them rang me with a relationship breakdown, I'd even get my children up and drive to them.

My mother is older than you and she would be heartbroken if I were feeling so low and didn't ring her - probably at any time of day.

I understand your DH may have been tired, but if I were tired and my daughter needed me I'd damn well crawl there. I'd ask a friend for a lift if I felt I couldn't drive. Get a taxi whatever the cost.

Surely given her age and her circumstances you'd want to be there for her even more? I can't believe what I'm reading.

You sound like you don't care.

You said that your daughter was in a 'state', so I'm assuming she was in considerable distress. I'm finding it strange that you chose to go fabric shopping instead of comforting your distressed child. Did you not want to offer her comfort or see what she might have needed?

I hope your daughter puts her own post on here so she can reach out and get some support!

How would you feel if those things were said to you by your own daughter you have tried your best for? Given up your life for actually.

Clearly, you have a very different notion of what giving up your life for someone means.

As for the "answering her calls" when you were getting a break from it all in Italy... wtf do you think other parents do? Block their children? And "the expense of the calls"?!?! Are you for real? You begrudge you CHILD the money a roaming charge costs you in Italy, when it sounds like she wasn't calling to talk about a frigging fabric sale!

Emotionally unavailable. Look it up. Then wonder why she might struggle emotionally when a relationship breaks down. Because you pair clearly weren't there!

Look, I am taking it on board. My daughter has a nice life because of me and DH, we set her up educationally and financially. She has everything going for her and she knows we are here if she needs us, we always would be.

I suspect you might benefit from looking at the "Stately Homes" thread, to give you some insight from your daughter's perspective.

I've only read a couple if pages but this does not surprise me in the slightest. I was rescued by friends late one night, when my boyfriend shook me till I passed out. I rang my parents the next morning. They offered to come (a long way), but as always, did not. Some time later my mother said "honestly, your father, I had to stop him from rushing over" .

Now, of course, she expects rescuing all the time, now she's much older and feeling lonely. I'm afraid after many such moments, I'm pretty arms-length.

OP, if your daughter is lucky, she will have a some good friends to keep her on an even keel, and I fervently hope that she soon manages to find a truly worthwhile partner so she can create her own, loving, compassionate family unit, and doesn't ever have to come to you for anything.

How I wish I knew your daughter so that I could rush over, and take her a warm jumper, maybe some flowers, and sit with her whilst she talked, or cried, and felt held, loved, and reminded that, to someone, she matters. That poor poor woman.

@Molly2010 {flowers]

What exactly was the sale discount on the fabric you wanted to buy? Take 1p off that and it will tell you the maximum financail value of your relationship with your daughter. I'm assuming this is £300 a meter fabric that you got for £250 and you needed 20 meters of it - so your relationship with daughter is worth £999.99?

I have pretty abusive parents and yet they would have been better than you and your "D"H

You are really shit parents - have you thought about what happens when your obviously not so dear to you daughter chooses your nursing home - as obviously self interest is the only thing that motivates you.

Jesus OP what's wrong with you? 5DD's here and would go to the ends of the earth for them. Sod the fabric shopping. Your DD needed a hug and reassurance from her mum! Your poor, poor girl.

We rescued our adult daughter, similar age, when her relationship broke down over Xmas, ended up with a cat too. An hour away is nothing and 60 is certainly not old, i can't believe you decided to go fabric shopping instead.

I’m nearly 60 . No matter how tired I was I would drop everything and go to my dc if they were upset. I once drove 200 miles in the dark after a 10 hour day at work to check 1 was ok , and would do it again in a heartbeat- no matter what age they were

I think the fact you don't know how old your DD is... How many days your husband works ( it's gone from week, to 3 and then 2 days) or what parenting entails shows you've no idea about anything.
Raising your children and overseeing their education is part and parcel of being a parent, so is financially support them as children.
You sound scared of your husband, it sounds like he's very controlling. It explains why you text your DD instead of calling.
You both sound very cold, unfeeling and delusional as parents.
I think you should be ashamed of yourselves to be honest.

OP you clearly are not coming back. I’m guessing you’ve experienced some kind of parental epiphany and are desperately trying to make amends...🧐

3 things leapt out at me from your original post:

1. You don’t know your daughter’s age. Easy to make a mistake when speaking directly to a person, not so much when composing a written post.
2. You keep saying “our home”. She was welcome to “come to OUR home”. Not “welcome to come home”.
3. You’ weren’t expecting a Christmas present, were you?

I'd drive 100 miles in the dark down country lanes in any weather at any time if any of my children called & needed me! YABVU