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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

999 replies

EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 20:57

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

OP posts:
RedRec · 21/11/2019 22:36

You are absolutely, totally, utterly in the wrong. Your poor daughter.

Pumpkintopf · 21/11/2019 22:37

For those asking if the DH is the DD's father, the OP has confirmed that he is.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 21/11/2019 22:37

You sound just like my parents. I went no contact with them for years. So similar right down to my Dad insisting they were 100% in the right for all the cold and mean decisions they made with regards to how they related to me and my children over the years. My Mum always backed him too until she realised she'd lost her child and grandchildren over it, all became clear to her then. I think he'd trained her into ignoring her instincts and love as a parent because he was so distanced from us all due to being away working constantly when we were younger and wanted her to be the same. Do you recognise any of that?

AliasGrape · 21/11/2019 22:38

Sometimes I get really angry and ‘poor me’ at the fact I lost my mum at a relatively young age, she won’t be at my wedding or meet my children etc etc. But I always remind myself what an absolute blessing it was to have had a mum like her at all, and that the pain of losing her was the price of loving and being loved so very much.

I was the least ‘stable’ of my mum’s 4 children and she’d probably have described me as the more emotional one too, but luckily she never held it against me or acted like because she was supportive that time when I was 20 I couldn’t expect to ask again 10 years later. She wasn’t a mum martyr, far from it, and very much had her own life and interests, but she’d have walked over hot coals for any of us and we all knew it, how lucky we were.

When she was dying of cancer and is given up work to care for her I tried really hard to keep it together and be strong and all that, but one day was particularly shit and I got a random nosebleed and bled all over my new white jumper and I remember my terminally ill mum standing at the sink scrubbing my jumper whilst I stood in my bra crying and getting blood/snot everywhere and then us both laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. I apologised afterwards for being dramatic and she said it’s was nice for me to get the chance to look after you for a bit again’.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 21/11/2019 22:38

Oh OK, thanks.

SummerPavillion · 21/11/2019 22:39

I think as bad as OP might be, it's her DH that's worse - he was "furious" with his heartbroken daughter???

Can you drive OP, are you able to visit DD without him? Would he become verbally or physically threatening if you did?

You've called her "my daughter" rather than "our". Are you having to treat her coldly to stay safe? It could be we've all misunderstood the dynamic here.

Halo1234 · 21/11/2019 22:39

This cant be real surley. If u love someone you are there when they are upset and asking for you. My mum is 68 but if she phoned upset asking to see me I would be there as soon as I could as she would for me. Age doesnt matter when you need support (like we all do at times in our lives) you should be able to depend on family (parents especially). I cant understand how u could go to a fabric shop knowing your daughter was having a hard time and had asked you to go to her. This cant be real. You were going shopping not for heart surgery. It could have easily waited. Any decent person would have been there for their daughter. So self centred to put a shopping trip above being their to ensure she felt loved and supported and not alone.

mumac · 21/11/2019 22:39

Regardless of her age your daughter needed you and you weren't there for her.

MrsHardbroom · 21/11/2019 22:39

Oh god, you sound just like my raging narcissist of a MIL who has a couple of 'go to' stories from decades ago that she feels proves that she's not a shit parent. She is. And it's not looking good for you either.

Magicpaintbrush · 21/11/2019 22:40

Absolutely disgusting way to treat your daughter. She was clearly distraught, pleading for your support and you just abandoned her. Don't be surprised if she goes NC after this. You have demonstrated very clearly that her wellbeing is at the bottom of your list of priorities and she has got the message loud and clear. If you'd wanted to find a way to damage yoir relationship with her you couldn't have done anything better. And you have to come on here to ask if you've done the wrong thing? Isn't it obvious?? I despair.

crystal1717 · 21/11/2019 22:40

Quite shocking that you forget her age too. 35 miles is v close, most families live much further apart nowadays.

LoafEater · 21/11/2019 22:41

You decided to go shopping instead of answering your daughters cry for help. She right, you are both horrible.

When I was 30, my mum was also 60. She would have walked 100 miles barefoot over broken glass to get to me if I had called her in distress, as I would have for her. Because we loved each other.

AliasGrape · 21/11/2019 22:41

FFS typos - *I’d given up work

and

She said ‘it was nice for me ...’

Anyway, my above post was a very waffly way of agreeing that you sound like you want everyone to think you’re super supportive, but actually are far from it.

Menora · 21/11/2019 22:41

I think it’s worrying that OP does want to reach out to daughter but feels more pressured to keep her DH happy than her child, and that he feels so strongly about this that OP is putting her DH opinions and feelings over the DD

DishingOutDone · 21/11/2019 22:42

@AliasGrape - your last sentence says it all Flowers

Sadly I don't think this is a troll, its a narcissist and as such, nothing we say here will make any difference. In 500+ messages I think 2 or 3 have sided with the OP and that will be enough for her - now it'll be all about poor OP being the misunderstood victim.

I feel sorry for the DD receiving a text from this woman and thinking oh god here we go I'll have to say something to assuage Mum's guilt now. Sad

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 22:43

I’ve no idea why she didn’t take us up on the offer of coming to our home

Nobody should be driving if they are as upset as you describe your daughter as being.

DH was only angry in response to the abusive messages from her. He was very sympathetic before then.

Hmmm. So sympathetic that he refused her plea for help & support in preference of looking at some fabric? So sympathetic that he didn't allow his wife to go either? (I am pretty sure this is the case. Otherwise why would you be so worried about "undermining" him by going to or even ringing your DD now?)

LidiaM · 21/11/2019 22:44

no way ...
thats your daughter . I would be happy to go even at night if I knew that my only daughter needs me.
It doesnt matter if you are 15 , 20 or 30. You are MOTHER for LIFE

DishingOutDone · 21/11/2019 22:44

@AliasGrape - bloody hell this thread is moving fast - I mean this sentence, what your darling mum said to you "... nice for me to get the chance to look after you for a bit again". That's the sort of thing lovely mums say and do.

Beveren · 21/11/2019 22:44

I think at 30 I thought the fact we couldn’t come over with such little notice would have been respected by my daughter.

Why do you need notice when all you've got planned is some totally non-urgent shopping?

I'm fairly amazed your husband is too tired to drive 35 miles to support his daughter after a three day working week. I'm older than him, by the end of the week I'll have worked six long, hard days on the trot but I'm planning to drive 180 miles (round trip) to see my mother.

If he wouldn't drive, couldn't you have taken a taxi on your own?

I’ve texted her. What more can I do? Nobody is perfect!

I'm amazed you need to ask. Isn't it obvious that you need to go over to see her? Limiting yourself to texting is just fully justifying everything she said about you.

TryingToBeBold · 21/11/2019 22:44

Regardless of how many break ups she has had... how do you know she wasnt feeling suicidal? Genuinely. And you wanted her to drive to you..

so perhaps she has a conscience about the truly nasty things she said about us a few days ago
Or maybe she thinks you do.. considering you've just text her since last weekend when she called you up in tears..

LidiaM · 21/11/2019 22:45

it doesnt matter if your kids are ***

dimsum123 · 21/11/2019 22:45

Your poor daughter. Are you joined at the hip to your DH? If not why couldn't you leave him at home and go to your daughter? She has every right to feel angry and hurt by you not being there when she needed you. What a cold heartless individual you are.

firsttimemum30 · 21/11/2019 22:45

I'm 30, completely independent, but my parents would be there in a shot if I needed them. I don't even have to ask. My father is 60 also and works full time and overtime, but he's recently been offering to drive me to midwife appointments as I'm heavily pregnant and don't drive. When I left my abusive husband he picked me up and I stayed with them. I think you're quite selfish and insensitive tbh.

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 22:46

We didn’t mention fabric to my daughter we’d just said there was a sale ending.

Oh, THAT's ok then!
I'm sure DD will understand, so long as you didn't mention the fabric.
FFS.

Nogoodusername · 21/11/2019 22:46

Wow, I’m older than your daughter and both of my parents would have been there in an instant. I can’t believe you put curtain shopping over supporting your child. I feel lucky that I have my parents and not you

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