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Original poster

Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

999 replies

EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 20:57

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

OP posts:
aHintOfPercy · 21/11/2019 22:29

We have two adult daughters and we are similar in age to you and your husband. If either DD called us in those circumstances we would be there like a shot, and they both live 2 hours away. You actually told her you were going fabric shopping instead!? I feel so sorry for your daughter.

JoObrien7 · 21/11/2019 22:29

@EmmaWizard909

You should have gone to support your daughter because you can always shop another day. If my daughter needed me I would be there in a flash. I am not surprised she is upset with you ....

DropZoneOne · 21/11/2019 22:30

Oh wow. I'm in my 40s but i know if my marriage broke down and i rang my parents in tears, the first thing they'd be asking is what they could do. They live 150 miles away, i moved out when i was 18 and we're not hugely close, but they've always let me know that they are there to support me.

I'm shocked you put shopping ahead of your own child.

IdleBet · 21/11/2019 22:30

There's just no warmth in anything you say about your own daughter.

I adore mine and nothing would stop me getting to her, that's what mum's do.

The 'break up' might seem trivial to you but it's what she feels that matters.

AlexaShutUp · 21/11/2019 22:30

You've demonstrated the truth of every word your daughter said about you in this thread.

Yes, indeed. It's very sad for both the daughter and the parents. I would hate for my relationships to be like this.

Dollymixture22 · 21/11/2019 22:31

If I rang my parents upset they would come immediately. I would do the same for them. And for my sister. That is surely what family is - an emotional safety net.

I honestly thought your first post was a joke.

langdale2016 · 21/11/2019 22:31

You were very wrong to go shopping instead of listening to your daughter's needs. Very selfish imho.

MelissaCortezsPastry · 21/11/2019 22:31

It is clear that you have said she is fiery (more than once) sensitive, (God forbid she has feelings and is able to express them) and she was a difficult child (has probably picked up on your son being the golden child.)

Bottom line is your Dh needs to text her to apologise. You were both in the wrong, your DD needed you and you made yourself unavailable. Your Dh is too tired to drive but somehow managed to drive to the fabric shop.

I will tell you something I found completely weird when I moved in with Dh, his family had a strict phone call policy, Sunday morning at 11am sharp they would ring us and Dh and his Mum would trade news. Except Dh's Grandad had a heart attack on the Wednesday. Guess when his parents rang us to tell us about the heart attack? Yep, Sunday. I was appalled, they couldn't understand why we were upset.

My family rings when they have news, they don't collect it all up over the week. Dh saw this and realised how rigid his parents were. That is you, rigid, somehow thinking that your parenting ended when your child turned 18. Have you even been to university? Do you know how isolating it can be? Newish friendships are nothing compared to the solid reliability of family. And yet you go on about how much money it cost you to speak to your DD? My sister rang me on holiday when I was post-op and recuperating. You know what I did? I talked to her and swallowed the cost of going over the free minutes on my phone contract about 18 years ago. She needed me, I was there for her.

84claire84 · 21/11/2019 22:31

Wow.

All I can say is I'm very glad your not my parents and if you were I'd be long gone.

Menora · 21/11/2019 22:32

I don’t think the way you talk about your daughter is very kind. It comes across like you find her dramatic and annoying. I can find my DD dramatic and annoying but if she was in pain and upset I would not automatically fob her off with excuses and try to avoid actually helping her in the way she felt she needed. I think even if I could not go to her I would have been more sympathetic and tactful - I would have suggested meeting for a coffee half way, inviting her round for dinner and a catch up and make an effort to show her I do love her

SummerPavillion · 21/11/2019 22:32

You say in your first post Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him

Is he controlling? Has he actually pulled the strings and created the black sheep dynamic for your dd?

TryingToBeBold · 21/11/2019 22:32

Your poor DD. I am around her age.. I know my parents would be there in a heartbeat

So in my opinion.. texting her? Not good enough. Pick up the damn phone.
Your DH needs to sort himself out. She needed you. And you weren't there. She will never forget this. She had a right to be angry. And he gave her abuse back so the line is drawn.

This fabric sale.. you had planned all week. I doubt it was a one day sale. You're telling me you really couldn't have gone any time?

Does your DD have a spare room? You could have got there at half 11, stayed over. Or picked her up the next morning and brought her back to yours. You were back by mid afternoon. Did it take you all that time to go fabric shopping or could you have gone to see her?

It doesn't matter how much of a 'difficult child' she was. Some people do have a lot of drama.. but does that mean you should be there for her any less Sad

Eckhart · 21/11/2019 22:32

OP, give us the actual reasons you didn't go. If it really is 'fabric was on sale', that's unforgivable.

Is there a bunch of other stuff she's done over the years? Does she make the child/parent relationship unhealthy and demand that you come over every 5 minutes? Is she actually abusive to you?

I haven't RTFT so I'm sorry if I've missed stuff. The most recent posts suggest that you haven't given reasons yet that PPs find valid.

Earslaps · 21/11/2019 22:33

You both sound exactly like my parents. We're not close and have a superficial relationship really.

I sometimes wonder what it's like to be close you your parents. I think it's coloured all my relationships really as I never rely on anyone.

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 22:33

Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Don't allow yourself to be caught in the middle like this.
If DH feels undermined by you contacting your very upset (& probably over-reacting due to that) DD, he has some big parenting issues.

Just arrange to go & see her asap for goodness sake.
It doesn't matter who is right or wrong.
If your DH doesn;t want to go, he won't. But he has no right to pressurise or manipulate you into not going because he doesn't want to.
Don't let this become an unforgiveable rift.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 21/11/2019 22:33

I've been wondering too if your DH was your DD's father.

AlexaShutUp · 21/11/2019 22:34

I can't help but wonder about the DH's role in all of this. Perhaps the OP's view of what's normal has been warped after years of living with a very cold and controlling man?

pigeononthegate · 21/11/2019 22:34

Every word of what she said about you is true. I feel quite angry that she will probably end up retracting it and apologising because you're such ice-cold, unavailable parents that she can't have a relationship with you unless she toes the line. Your husband shouting her down when she was distraught was appalling. She wasn't the abuser in that exchange.

Do you know how she would have felt, mustering up courage to ask her cold, distant parents for emotional support and being rebuffed in favour of fucking curtain fabric?

My father has his faults, but he would crawl over broken glass for me, and I for him. I've always known that he would give me his last slice of bread, no question. If one of us needed the other, nothing would stand in the way. Nothing. He had stage 4 cancer last year and I spent months commuting 300 miles every week to be with him and stroke his hand and feed him ice cubes while he suffered through brutal rounds of chemo.

My mother would do exactly as you did, including the "poor me" nonsense about giving up her life, yadda yadda while actually offering nothing meaningful whatsoever in terms of a real human relationship. I haven't spoken to her since 2003. She could be dead for all I know.

AlexaShutUp · 21/11/2019 22:34

OP said earlier in the thread that her DH is her dd's father.

MyOtherLifeIsAFairytale · 21/11/2019 22:34

Wishing your DD comes on here and sees that this isn’t normal, and she should have had support when she needed her mom and dad. That to 99 % of posters here, she’s worth it.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 21/11/2019 22:34

Christmas on your own then?

Walnutwhipster · 21/11/2019 22:35

The more you type the colder and more callous you sound and your husband is no better. I'm astounded you'd choose shopping over a daughter asking for a shoulder to cry on. You two are supposed to be who she can rely on to be there for her and you chose fucking material shopping! When you said you only work 2 days and 10.30pm is so late I must live on a different planet to you. If I received that call I'd have been there in a heartbeat, yet you're shocked she's upset and play the age card when you're a bloody long way from your pension. Your poor daughter.

anomoony · 21/11/2019 22:35

I hope this is a joke but I know parents like the OP exist.

When my DH had a car accident and ended up in the hospital with suspected traumatic brain injury I called my inlaws and asked them to come see him. They declined, as they had been planning to renovate their second bathroom that week.

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 22:35

& fwiw - if a friend had called me in similar circumstances, it wouldn't occur to me to tell them it was more important for me to go & look at fabric than to give them comfort in a time of need & sorrow.

But - as per post above - this isn't about who was right or wrong in the moment. It's about putting it right now. Go & see your girl. No matter how outspoken she was in the heat of the moment - she wanted her mum. Put that right & everything else will likely fall back into place.

Domino45 · 21/11/2019 22:36

You’re poor daughter! I imagine she must feel betrayed by the lack of support after reaching out to you & it’s likely you’ll need to make the first move to try and repair things. I’m your daughters age & would hope my mom would be there to support me not choose shopping! No wonder your daughter reacted the way she did to you