Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

DD is not being unreasonable. My parents would have come round like a shot if that I’d been on the phone devastated with a relationship breakdown.

I really dont understand why you are getting such a rough time on here. My mum is very loving and is always there for me but i would never have rang her and expected her to drop everything and come to me,if nothing else i wouldnt have wanted to upset her so i would prob have put on a front,waited until the next time i seen her then had a melt down. Think everyone is quick to jump to judgement here..you said your dd can be "fiery" so im going to assume theres more history to this and more reasons as to why you didnt drop everything and go to her. Even if your dd gelt hard done by with your decision it doesnt justify her verbal abuse.

@BestZebbie'Do you have a lot of money worries, or does your husband very tightly control your access to money? I note that not only was the sale a big deal but part of the issue with the international calls years ago was cost.'

She could afford international holidays, and her and her husband can afford to only work part time in their 50s/60. They sound the opposite of broke IMO.

@EmmaWizard909 'she is certainly young enough to drive 35 miles.'

The point isn't her age though. She's effectively not well at the moment- that's what it feels like to lose a live in partner etc.

'She has responded and said she is ok and said she loves me too.'

The upside of your daughter possibly having an emotional temperament, is that she know how to respond to others sometimes.

She keeps reaching out occasionally despite all the rebuffs and coldness. You're very lucky to have someone make this much effort to have some sort of relationship with you, despite your response. Maybe her staying in touch with you implies she has low self esteem though, to put up with this treatment.

@WelshMammaofaSlovak Everyone is different. Some people have more need for support than others- people can be effected in different ways by fucked up childhoods etc. You say she should have friends more local- maybe she doesn't- not everyone finds making friends easy.

Yeah YABVVU, how shut must she feel right now?! Talk about kicking her when she’s down

Shit not shut

I'm shocked because if my dd needed me I'd be over asap.
You're not normal parents imo.

I'm over 55 as is DH. We both work full time in demanding jobs. If any of our children called needing support we would - and indeed have - gone to them as soon as we could.

My parents are like the OP, which is one of the reasons why I live in a different country & hardly see them, even though they are elderly now.

Once, when I was a similar age to the OP's daughter I called them for help as I really needed them - but they refused to come. You don't forget that sort of rejection.

Age doesn't matter, your daughter needed you and you weren't there.

I am 43, have teenage children and still my parents would come to me any time of the day or night if I needed them.

They see it as a privilege. I know this because they tell me so when I thank them.

so perhaps she has a conscience about the truly nasty things she said about us a few days ago.

The problem is that you don't seem to have a conscience for the truly nasty thing you did to her which provoked her reaction.

She doesn't know you are there if she needs you, she knows you aren't. That is really sad for her.

Also, a one year relationship at 30 can be very significant

Indeed. DH and I were married within eight months of our first date (no I wasn't pregnant!).

She is not ok. She has just lowered her expectations of you, again.

As for the 10.30pm thing, my dad once showed up at my house at 5am because my dd was poorly and he couldn't sleep for worrying. He had been to 24 hr tesco to get her more calpol and a new dummy.

Sorry by the time I RTFT I had forgotten the bit about Sunday.

However, I still think the DD should have driven to her parents on the Sunday, especially reading OP's updates about how difficlut her DD is.

OP, I'm wondering if you spoilt DD as a child and whether that is coming home to roost for you now? She does sound quite demanding.

Would you go if it was a friend who asked? Called devastated because her relationship was over? If you would then why not for your daughter? If you wouldn't then you are a pari of selfish gits.

Fuck me, my ILs treat me kinder than you treat your daughter. My dad died some years ago when I was your DDs age. I dealt with the funeral and everything w support from my family in my home country. My ILs flew over (4 hour flight), despite me “being fine”, just to hug me at the funeral and support my mom to whom they are not close. My mom admittedly wouldn’t come for a heartbreak. Hell, she didn’t even come (when we were in the same country 45 mins apart) when I had a road traffic accident & cracked my skull. But my ILs would come if I needed support. I cannot tell you how much I value that, despite being strong, grown up & capable, to have someone come and pick you up when life sucks and you’re sad, lift your burden and look after you a little. May I never ever be a parent like you to my kid. Even when she’s 30, 34 or 50.

You've demonstrated the truth of every word your daughter said about you in this thread.

I think she would not be so nice to you if she read what you have wrote here. The resentment is clear and if you really take on board that you have obviously failed your daughter then you would be round her house and not on here still slagging her off! Each child should be treated as an individual. Maybe start by not comparing her to her settled, married brother plus the fact that she ruined your holiday years ago is still something you hold against her. Next time let her know if your on holiday no major life events should happen

It's taken you 5 days to send her a text?

Not only was your reaction to your child needing you absolutely appalling, but even now you can't see what you've done wrong. You're trying to justify your ambivalence towards her by saying it's all her fault and you think a crappy text message makes it all ok.

I hope that she has some friends who have been able to support her. Don't be at all surprised if you know less and less about her life in the future although, based on what you've said, you'll be quite pleased with that.

My parents are in their 60s, both still work, they both help me out with childcare and there isn't a thing they wouldn't do for me. When my husband left me and I had two young children and was struggling, they took it in turns to sleep on my sofa to support me practically and emotionally. If I called them right now and asked them to come over, they would. I don't often ask for help and so they would know that if I was asking it was because I needed them. My parents have gone above and beyond for me. I think they're amazing for that, but I also think that's just what loving parents do. I would do the same for my children and I'd be utterly ashamed of myself if I even considered putting something else first.

"If my DH is tired then he is"
Im 55 I work as a ward sister and I work 13 hour shifts (usually without a break), and frankly I'm on my knees, I live in the south my DS is 455 + miles away a 7 1/2 hour journey in good traffic. Last year I came home from an exhausting 13 hour shift, he called and said he was unwell and thought that heir it didn't get better then he might need to go to hospital (he has chronic illness). I was googling flights as he was speaking, the airport is 2 hour drive away, if no suitable flights had been available I would have got in my car that night and driven to him. I would do this for illness or if he was upset.

'we declined'

It wasn't an invite to dinner. The coldness is horribly chilling.

You both work only two days during the week, but had no other spare time other than when your daughter needed you, to go and buy some material??

Wow. I am so pleased my parents are not like you.

I feel so sorry for your dd OP, she won't make the mistake of looking for emotional support from you again. You talk the talk all about being there, yada yada , but you sure don't walk the walk, when she needed you you weren't there. Love is a verb not just a noun.

Is your DH her father? just wondered

If you've always been like this I'm amazed she bothers to reach out to you for support - I suspect she won't any more and you will become more peripheral to her life.
It sounds to me that you think married=settled= no need of support

It sounds like you're very distant from her, it's bound to have irrevocably shaped how she sees you.

A couple of people have mentioned the nursing home your daughter will choose for you.

Remember today when you see it.

There is not a single thing that your daughter said that isn't the truth, corroborated entirely by the facts that you have chosen to give us.

I'm 63. I have never been so tired that it would prevent me jumping in the car if one of my daughters needed me. And their late father would have raced me to the car.