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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

999 replies

EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 20:57

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

OP posts:
bigvig · 21/11/2019 22:15

Why won't you apologise OP? My prediction is that if you don't your daughter will withdraw from you emotionally and never ask for help again. If you want that fine, if you want a real relationship then try harder. Her text was a way of smoothing things over without engaging too much - same as yours!

DieHardISaChristmasFilm · 21/11/2019 22:15

Fucking hell OP. I hope she gets to choose your nursing home.

Wendy38 · 21/11/2019 22:15

Wow I'm glad your not my mum
I feel sorry for your daughter

Menora · 21/11/2019 22:15

This is really sad. None of my family would ever do this to me and I would never do it to my children. I really hope your daughter is ok and I think you need to rebuild some bridges, she must be so upset Sad

AlexaShutUp · 21/11/2019 22:15

Look, I am taking it on board. My daughter has a nice life because of me and DH, we set her up educationally and financially. She has everything going for her and she knows we are here if she needs us, we always would be.

But you weren't there when she needed you, were you, OP? And that's the whole bloody point.

The fact that you set her up educationally and financially doesn't compensate for a complete lack of emotional support. It's odd that you don't seem to understand this, even though your dd tried to spell it out to you.

I'm wondering what your relationship with your own parents was like. I'm guessing that you weren't close to them emotionally. I genuinely feel quite sorry for you as you don't seem to understand how normal loving relationships work.

pinkcardi · 21/11/2019 22:15

Do you actually like your daughter? Because everything you've said is so heartlessly cruel that I can't believe that you do.

I might have my faults as a parent but what you've said tonight has chilled me to the bone.

Havaina · 21/11/2019 22:15

I think you're getting a hard time here, OP.

I would never in a million years expect my mum to drive an hour at 10.30pm to come to me. I would categorically not want my mum on the road at that time, even at 55.

She was having relationshio issues, but she was home alone and saf because her DP had gone to his mum's. This was not a situation that needed you to drive to her, it sounds like there is no domestic violence involved.

It sounds like a lot of people want to babied for life on this thread.

SummerPavillion · 21/11/2019 22:16

I hope one good thing that comes out of this thread is that those of us who were emotionally ignored (or worse) are finding out about how dozens of healthy families operate and we can stop thinking we are overreacting to our situations. Or worse, that it was our fault.

Luckypoppy · 21/11/2019 22:16

I'm 42 and my parents are the same age as you. I know that if I needed them at 10.30 at night and it would only take an hour they would be on their way in an instant just as I would be for them. It wouldn't matter what it was for the sheer fact of us asking for that help would have been enough.

She's lashing out because she's hurt, surely you can see that. You chose shopping over helping her when she'd swallowed her pride to actually ask.

Holding against her what she did when she was at uni isn't what a parent should be doing. She needed you then and you have her what you could, do the same now.

And tell your hubby to sort himself out and get over it. She's your baby.

Menora · 21/11/2019 22:16

It also doesn’t sound like ‘abuse’ to tell someone you are hurt by their actions, and why.

CurlsandCurves · 21/11/2019 22:16

I’m just a few streets away from my parents, but my sibling is not, they are a good 3 hour drive away. My parents are in their 70s.

And I can say without any shadow of a doubt if my sibling needed them, the way your daughter needed you, they would be in the car or on the train and there for them.

Because that’s what you do. No matter what their age. As a sister if I could be there I would too. Fabric can wait. Family is what matters.

koshkat · 21/11/2019 22:17

I feel for your daugher OP. You do not seem to have a clue.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/11/2019 22:17

Um, you choose to go shopping instead of spending time with your very upset daughter. I think you told her where your priorities are. I'm not surprised she's upset

THIS ^

My DH and I would have dropped almost everything and anything to get to her had this been out DD. In. A. Heartbeat.

It wasn't life-saving surgery you had to postpone - it was a trip to the shops. She must have been distraught - she is heartbroken by the failure of her relationship, and then finds that you nd her father don't give a damn.

You are an hour away from her - it's hardly the other end of the country. My sympathies are entirely with her. I think that you and your DH are very selfish.

myrtleWilson · 21/11/2019 22:17

@Havaina but the OPs daughter didn't ask her to come over at 10.30pm at night did she? She asked them to come over on the Sunday...

lunar1 · 21/11/2019 22:18

You and your husband are awful people, it's so sad that your dd doesn't have any parental support.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 21/11/2019 22:18

I would be devastated and disappointed in myself if I couldn’t drop anything and everything to be with my children if they needed me like that. Your reaction is not normal. I hope your daughter can find the love and support in her life that she is sadly lacking from her own parents.

Menora · 21/11/2019 22:18

@Havaina

Are we reading the same post as the DD asked her parents to come over on a Sunday during the daytime. Not in the middle of the night

MyOtherLifeIsAFairytale · 21/11/2019 22:19

Fucking hope your curtains are worth it to you but butt ugly to anyone else. You sound awful.

mysurveysays · 21/11/2019 22:19

Wow!
Wild horses wouldn't keep me from any of my children if they needed me like that, no matter what their age

TwistinMyMelon · 21/11/2019 22:20

You clearly don't know how old your own children are. I couldn't imagine being this callous to my daughter, I think she is right. She is telling you how she feels, if it hits a nerve it's obvious why.

Cyberworrier · 21/11/2019 22:20

I feel so sorry for your daughter. I’m sure she does love you, just as she says, but I imagine it must be very unsettling to love your parents and not be able to rely on them-or to feel simmering resentment for relying on that relationship. Eg your Italy holiday! How dare she have a break up then. My parents went on a big trip around time I broke up with first serious partner, they offered to cancel, I told them not to, but we Skyped every day which was lovely.
Also, a one year relationship at 30 can be very significant- when lots of friends are settling, marrying having kids, it’s not an age where most people I know are casually dating people for a year that they’re not invested in. And like everyone else has said, driving when you haven’t slept/are crying/in a state is dangerous, that’s why it’s silly to think her coming to you was equivalent to you going to her. I also wonder if there are actually things she’s struggled with she may have tried to protect you from for fear of rejection, possibly depression or other mental health crisis3s, from your description. Poor daughter. I hope you try to reach a better place in your relationship with her OP, and that she has a good network of friends.

bananabread2000 · 21/11/2019 22:20

When I was 29 my fiance left me out of the blue (after 10 years together), I called my mum to tell her and was very upset. Without hesitation (and without me asking) she and my dad packed a bag and drove 4 hours to come and be with me for a few days. They were in their late 60s at the time, and it was nearly midnight when they arrived. I was so grateful just for them to be there, to know that they had my back when I really needed it, even though I didn't say so.

I'm sorry your daughter lashed out at you and it's likely she didn't mean all that she said but I think you let her down quite badly. To be honest, if anyone, friend or relative, called me asking for help and support like that, I can't think of many situations where I'd say no, even when it's inconvenient.

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 21/11/2019 22:21

This can't be real
OP sort yourself out. You sound truly bloody awful and no a text doesn't make anything ok.

8paws8legs · 21/11/2019 22:21

You were wrong not to go to her, if your husband didn't want to go why didn't you just go without him? And you are an adult also and presumably capable of making up your own mind so if you want to text her or call her why haven't you already? Your husband is cross and has stayed cross all week doesn't mean you have to just in support of him if my children ever needed me theres not a single person who could stop me going to them, just because she's an adult does not mean she should have to sort herself out and if she was really upset it wouldn't be a good idea for her to drive for an hour through tears and stress which is why she didn't come to you.
If you both work 2 days per week your a lot less working hours than most so shouldn't really be too tired for a trip 15 minutes further than one your planning anyway, I hope not but if I was you I'd be worried picking fabric sales over my own childs needs may be the end to the relationship.

CurlsandCurves · 21/11/2019 22:21

@Havaina I take your point and agree I wouldn’t expect my folks to drive to me at that time of night, but she was asking could they come over the next day as she needed support. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.