Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

Wow. Just wow. Your lack of insight is just staggering. You have no emotions whatsoever. Your poor DD. What if she was so distressed she'd taken her life? She reached out to someone and got rejected. Her own fucking parents. You pair are pathetic, lazy self centred arseholes. 'Tired' fml

If my DH is tired then he is

But not too tired to drive 45 minutes in the opposite direction to look at fabric. Must be very specific tiredness that can cope with 3 quarters of an hour but not an extra 15 minutes on top of that.

She was in emotional pain, reached out to her parents - and got rejected in favour of "fabric".

I can appreciate you have acknowledged you and your DH were in the wrong, but I hope you learn from it and are more caring in the future. If you are truly sorry, you'll have told your DH to stop sulking as well.

I get called fiery by my family when in fact I am just hurt and angry by their lack of emotional support.
This is why she might be fiery. Potentially.
Also listen to what she is saying to you and take it on board.

this thread is so very sad☹️I echo what other posters have said. How can curtain shopping be prioritised over your child? Words fail me☹️

Beware everyone of getting too emotionally invested here, take care if you're (like me) being triggered a bit.

This might not be real, but either way it's capable of opening some horrible wounds

This thread makes me sad. It reminds me of my parents. My husband was in hospital once, quite ill and I asked my Dad if he could come over and help me with something, it's a half an hour drive but he had some stupid reason why he couldn't. I've never asked for help since and never will again. I've very rarely asked for help as an adult and everytime it's been the same, I don't know why I thought it would be different that time.

When they ask me how I am I say 'fine' like your daughter did when she messaged you saying she is ok even if I feel like everything is falling down around me. I don't share anything with them anymore, I superficially go along with a relationship with them because I suppose I don't want to hurt them like they have hurt me but there is no depth to our relationship something just broke that day and it can't ever be fixed.

You do realise in 16 pages you have said not one nice thing about your Dd.

Oh and you do know most sales are just a merchandising gimmick don’t you

Your daughter needed you and you did not respond. You are making excuses for yourself and your husband to justify your behaviour. I wonder if your daughter feels that she can do nothing to please you. Your ambivalent attitude will feel like a rejection to her. Perhaps you have been ambivalent and emotional cold throughout her childhood. Please show some compassion. My parents drove 4 hours to support me when my husband left and I didn’t ask them to.

If this is a real post and a real situation

Wow - you are a not only a terrible mum (and your husband a terrible dad) but you are both terrible people.

None of my friends would do that to me, unless what they were doing was something they couldn't get out of they would be there for me without a doubt.

I struggle to believe this is a real situation because of how crappy a person you would have to be to do this.

You just get worse and worse with every single post. Do you have anything nice to say about your daughter whatsoever?
Waiting for the deletion message any moment now...

I just can't read past the first page of comments. My heart is breaking. I had a difficult childhood, my father is emotionally unavailable and my mum sort of is, but does her best (you do oust shut off sometimes when you live with someone who is awful like my dad). But at 30 they both had me and my newborn stay with them during one of the times I tried to leave my ex abusive partner. It wasn't easy, mum still worked full time.

Last year my now retired parents put up me and both my children for five months while we sorted out buying our first proper home.

My mum has moved heaven and earth for me in the past, several times, because thanks to my adhd I've really fucked up a number of times. She's let me stay, bailed me out, looked after me, done so much washing...

She's gone way above and beyond. But I'd do the same for my two kids. She's taught me to be kind.

I'd be gutted if you were my mum. I already have a dad like you.

These posts are very hurtful, I’ve always tried to do my best for my children and maybe handled this situation wrongly

No shit, Sherlock!

My parents upset me badly this year when I phoned to tell them we’d had to pts our ddog because they were watching a TV programme and offered to phone back later. I think your dd was right to be really upset with you. A fabric sale, really? Could that not have waited till the following day?

It gets worse with every update. Now you’re expecting her to feel guilty for expressing her hurt and anger, at a time when she was already distraught.

You may have paid for her education, but you seem to be emotionally stone cold. You don’t even seem to like her much, and resent her intruding into your life. I’d suggest some serious self-reflection but in all honesty I doubt you’re capable of it.

Wow. I can't imagine Turning my back on my daughter when she asked for support. And certainly not because I was a bit tired, couldn't be arsed driving thirty odd miles and wanted to go to a fabric sale.

As much as she's saying it's fine, I think she must be terribly hurt and disappointed and know not to ask you again.

I think most people on here feel sad for her.

Reading your OP I think of all the people who would love to have children and can’t, and think it’s so unfair that some people can have children when they really aren’t cut out to be parents.

Unless anyone is over 55 then I don’t think you can comment on feeling tired, we have busy lives!

Oh good. I’m older than your husband so I qualify. I was working full-time until I retired a year ago when I was 65. My previous comment still stands. Too tired my arse. As a PP said, he wasn’t too tired to go fabric shopping was he?

This thread has made me recall a time when I was 32 and in a horrible relationship. I was in Edinburgh and phoned my parents in London in a state of distress. My lovely Dad, who was 64, got into his car at 9pm and drove through the night, all the way from London to Edinburgh to get me. This was after he’d done a full days work. That’s the love of a parent for their child.

You're happy for your daughter to drive to you, in a very upset state, but you can't put off going to look at some fabric? Just wow. She's right to be upset - poor girl.

Your Dd didnt insult or abuse you. She said factual things that you yourself corroborated. You're just resenting her for holding a mirror up.

My mother thought a friend of hers was ridiculous when she travelled for an hour to see her 21 year old son the day he broke up with his first girlfriend. I was jealous - when my first relationship ended it took me a week to tell her as I knew I'd get no emotional support and thus needed to be stable enough to deal with her brush-off.

Twenty years later we are not close. Why would I share stuff with her when she's mage it clear that she seemingly doesn't care about my emotional well-being?

Is that the relationship you want with your daughter?

Interesting that this is OP's first thread.

Wow, YABU. You have every excuse in the book for not helping out your DD when she needs you. My grandmother stayed with us when my parents split up, because her 48 year old DD needed her. Your DDs age is irrelevant. She is hurting, she needs emotional support, but your trip to buy curtains on sale is more important. And your DH is 60 but is too exhausted to drive to help his DD, but not too exhausted to check out some curtains, which trip you’ve been planning for days . My DH is also 60, and works 60 - 70 hours/week. I can’t imagine him saying he was too tired, or prioritizing cheap curtain shopping over our 26 year old DDs need for emotional support. Remember this when you are elderly and expect your DD to help you out. I predict you’ll be on your own.

My daughter has a nice life because of me and DH, we set her up educationally and financially.

But tight enough for...

The reason we wanted to get the fabric was because there was a sale on.

Seems to me you know the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

she knows we are here if she needs us, we always would be

oh she knows exactly how much you'll be there for her.... gingham is on offer I hear

She has everything going for her and she knows we are here if she needs us, we always would be.

But you weren’t, were you?