Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

I'm flabbergasted you just text her, rather than picking up the phone.

Will I get deleted if I say I seriously believe this is made up?

Like the way people deliberately wind up the feminist board? This is box-ticking in emotional neglect,

"and she knows we are here if she needs us"

Oh, the lack of insight. She now knows that you won't be there when she needs you.
To all the people saying they'd never have asked for this sort of help when they were 30: I didn't ask for parental help through my youthful dramas either. But the reason I didn't was because my certain knowledge that they'd be there for me whatever happened gave me the resilience to cope myself.

Not convinced this post is even real. For a start you, what...forgot your daughter’s age? Typing once 34 but not twice.
Anyway I feel for your daughter. She was devastated and needed comforting. You let her down and literally chose shopping over comforting your child. Hope I never make that decision.

When I was 22 I married my then husband, who I had been in a relationship with since the age of 16.
Shortly after we married he hit me for the first time. The first time I called my parents and asked them to come over. They did, he apologised and promised it would never happened again. I wanted to leave him and asked my DM if I could go home with her.
Her response was ‘you are married now. You made your bed’.
I spent the next 5 years on the receiving end of his abuse.
When I finally found the courage to walk away with practically nothing my parents said they were ashamed by my marriage breakdown. Marriage vows obviously meant nothing to me and I was ungrateful for their financial contribution to my wedding day.
As much as I loved her, when my DM passed away there was an element of relief. I was no longer a disappointment to her.
OP take steps to repair the relationship with your daughter. Accept her faults and all. You never know what is around the corner and you will never understand the impact a mothers rejection can have.

I think what worries me is that your daughter was the one who phoned you up and abused you, saying that you are a shit mother.

That doesn’t sound like someone who is a victim at all.

I do think that going around to be with her on the day would have been a kind and caring thing to do. I don’t think a shopping trip should have taken priority.

However would I have then shouted at my mother if she did this and called a shit mother and then ignored her for a week? Absolutely not. I would have said that I needed her.

I also don’t think anyone, including parents of grown up children should be told how what to drop everything and come to someone’s aid, if they don’t want to. You can ask, you can say you need them, you can say you feel you would do it for them in return, however you cannot tell them - and then abuse them.

@Molly2010 that's so awful

Putting your poor DD aside, what on earth are you both going to be like in another 5/10 years?
I know 80+ year olds that have more energy than you two put together.
Fwiw, your DS won't be looking after you when you need help in your later years - sons rarely do. It's usually daughters this falls on. So good luck with that.
You reap what you sow.

At this point im not surprised your daughter is not creating a fuss

Shes probably just accepted that she has no meaningful relationship or suppurt from her parents.

my daughter is still taking to me so perhaps she has a conscience about the truly nasty things she said about us a few days ago.

Nothing she said is truly nasty from what I can see. Just the cold hard truth.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

I have a father who behaves the same way whenever I've asked for help or advice there's always been an excuse or a long silence till I say don't bother, I call him by his first name now and haven't asked him for anything in years. I'm 35, I would love to call my mum but she's passed, she would of dropped everything for me. I hope your daughter is feeling better

Jesus christ, even my mother in law would be there, at whatever time of the night, if I were having a crisis and I needed her.
My own mother (who deserves a whole thread of her own and has never been there for me) would even find a way and she doesn't even drive.

Actions speak louder than words here.

You both sound selfish not your DD but you and your DH. You didn't want her over so you could visit a fabric store the next day and your DH gets tired. WTF?

You sound like my parents. Physically and financially I was cared for. Emotionally? Absent.

We no longer speak.

I'm 55 and my youngest is 12. I am not so tired that I would not walk 1000miles to help someone who needed my help.
One of my friends is struggling at the mo (not my child) I would drive many hours to help her-regardless of time of night.
If in 20 years my now 12 year old needs me, I would drive all day and night to help.

I really feel for your daughter.

Ive bitten on this thread but agree that this cant be real.Someone somewhere is sat pissing themselves at how much they wound mn up

My mother is 75 and very unwell after a stroke a few years back. I think if I rang her at 10.30pm in a distraught state, she’d try to crawl the 400km between us to get to me.

OP, this happened 5 whole days ago. Did you really not see what needed to be done without asking strangers online? Surely you have some maternal/human instinct?

Also, I think your excuses are paltry. She rang at 10.30pm asking you to visit the next day but you argue that you’d be too tired the following day to drive 35 miles to her home, but not too tired to travel 45 mins on the other direction for some fabric? That’s a pathetic argument.

I hope you use the fabric to make yourself something nice to cling to in your old age.

Are you describing my mum? She always puts shopping before family. When my partner died she still went on holiday the next day. Always helps with money, though.

So your son is the golden child, and your daughter will never be good enough for you.

My parents are/were definitely of the “Stately Homes thread” variety. My mum is a long-suffering martyr type, who thinks I’m too emotional, and spent her entire marriage dancing attendance to my centre-of-the-universe, alcoholic dad.

However, when I had to come back to the UK after a small accident, they drove 100 miles, at very short notice, to meet me off my flight at Heathrow at 6am. My dad was 63 at the time and did the driving. It’s what any decent parents would do, I hope! (I realise it’s not quite the same as your dilemma, but near enough.)

I think you and your husband have long ago decided she’s a nuisance, and that’s that. Your daughter’s “abusive” response reflects that history.

WelshMamaofaSlovak

She didn’t ask them to jump in the car ASAP. She invited them round the next day, on the Sunday. It says this in the OP and that they “declined.” They were living together too, which indicates that it might have been potentially a more serious relationship.

I am older than you so I do know about feeling tired. Not an excuse it was your daughter and you let her down. As far as what can you do go and see her.

I totally think you were in the wrong. If my daughter had phoned me in that state I would have gone and picked her up and brought her back to mine for a few days or packed my bag and went and stayed with her for a few days; eating rubbish food and watching sad movies until she felt strong enough to get through the day alone.

Just because your daughter is an adult doesn’t mean she can’t need her mum sometimes and just because she is an adult also doesn’t mean she doesn’t need emotional support.

I think it was pretty cold and even if she’s speaking to you she may not forgive you fully. I’d get repairing bridges with a proper heart felt apology and a day or weekend just the two of you

Those thinking it's odd she has gone to her parents.

My mum is amongst other things, emotionally stunted. She never gave me that emotional support needed. Ever. Until I went NC with her, I craved that support from her, well still do now at times. I could have gone to others, but it was the support you can only get from your parents I wanted. I didn't want to know I was loved, needed, wanted etc by friends, I wanted it from someone whom I should have a special bond with. Normally I would have gone to my partner, but well it ended thus needing that comfort.

I'm 40 and if I called my mum in tears she'd be straight over. She certainly wouldn't prioritise shopping over me. I can't believe you even have to ask if you are in the wrong!

I'm looking down at my baby girl lying sleeping on my chest and I know without a doubt that if she ever needs me I'll be there. I'm her mum and all my instincts are to comfort her if she's upset, it doesn't matter if she's three weeks or thirty years old. I'm sure your lifestyle isn't so busy with working just two days a week and fabric shopping that you can't make time to go and see your DD when she's hurting.