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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

999 replies

EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 20:57

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

OP posts:
katy1213 · 21/11/2019 21:53

I agree with you (and I'm about the same age as you). When I was your daughter's age, I wouldn't have dreamed of dragging my parents into something like this. It wasn't an emergency; she was upset, not in any danger. She's quite old enough to stand on her own two feet. And if she's that desperate to see you, why can't she get herself over to your place?

multiplemum3 · 21/11/2019 21:53

It sounds like you'll be needing some help soon given how tired you both are, I hope she's at a shitty fabric sell then.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 21/11/2019 21:53

You really don't sound like you like her very much at all. If we've picked up on that by reading one thread I'm sure she feels it strongly too!

How nice her brother met someone who was a good fit for him at a younger age than your daughter. His partner presumably provides support to her, so naturally he is less reliant on yours.

Making a point of saying you were married with kids at her age is a cheap shot. Particularly when you then kept saying you gave up your life for her... she really can't win.

Dontwantmylife · 21/11/2019 21:54

This reminds me a little of when my marriage broke up and I confided in my mother, who then discussed it with my father. ‘But why is she telling us this?’ asked my emotionally neglectful dad. Bizarre. I have a 15 year old daughter, for whom who I will provide emotional support as long as I possibly can. If that means dropping everything to help her, then that’s what I’ll do. I would hate to think of her alone and distraught. You sound very selfish and cold, OP.

PollyShelby · 21/11/2019 21:54

My mum is 70.

If I asked her to come she would walk over hot coals to get to me.

I agree with what your DD said.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 21/11/2019 21:54

Oh @LuckyShoe ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 21:54

Look, I am taking it on board. My daughter has a nice life because of me and DH, we set her up educationally and financially. She has everything going for her and she knows we are here if she needs us, we always would be.

We messed up last weekend, I can see that. We aren’t terrible people though and clearly my daughter is still taking to me so perhaps she has a conscience about the truly nasty things she said about us a few days ago.

OP posts:
mumwon · 21/11/2019 21:54

dh & I are a lot older than you are - he has also had some serious health issues but unless he or I were ill we both would go out of our way for any of our dc & have as have they -because we are a family & we care about each other. Maybe she was difficult because her marriage wasn't working & she wasn't happy &/or you were constantly comparing her to her brother. Sometimes for precisely that reason we need to work harder to make it work - being a family isn't easy, but don't you think having your marriage break down is devastating & the fact she reached out to you means she values & needs you - please reconsider this

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 21/11/2019 21:54

You sound like my mother. Everything's measured on how much she's 'given' me and she has masses of reasons why things are so hard for her, yet scoffs at any difficulties in my life.

I don't ask her for support anymore. She'd find it an inconvenience even if she wasn't the slightest bit busy and she'd tell anyone who'd listen about how selfish and demanding I am.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/11/2019 21:54

I'm 50 and agoraphobia, I would have gone.

Quartz2208 · 21/11/2019 21:54

she isnt ok. SHe has just accepted the truth that you arent there for her

dont expect her to be there for you. It works both ways. Not only has my poor mum had to drive out for me she has more recently (at older than you) driven out at 10:30 for her mum

Butterisbest · 21/11/2019 21:55

In one of your updates you said you'd given up your life for her, that tells me a lot about you.

ILoveYou3000 · 21/11/2019 21:55

My mum is 69, my dad 73, me and my siblings are aged 39-49, if any one of us phoned either of our parents upset and needing them, they'd both be there in a heartbeat. Just as I would for my kids. I'd also do the same if my parents ever needed me. Isn't that normal in a family, to be there for each other in times of need.

I feel sorry for your poor daughter; not only has her marriage broken down but the two people who are supposed to love her unconditionally and be there for her emotionally have turned their backs on her in favour of fabric shopping. I'm not sure I could forgive that.

I suggest you contact your daughter as soon as possible apologising and making arrangements to see her this weekend. She needs you! You're her mother, start acting like one!

MyKingdomForBrie · 21/11/2019 21:55

If your daughter ever finds this thread - I'd like to direct her to the Stately Homes thread Sad

Nomorepies · 21/11/2019 21:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 21/11/2019 21:56

My daughter has a nice life because of me and DH, we set her up educationally and financially. She has everything going for her and she knows we are here if she needs us, we always would be.

What about emotionally because clearly whatever your view is you havent done that

and you arent there if she needs you ffs that is the point of this thread

I tell you what though it has really made me appreciate my own Mum

PerfectlyImperfectx · 21/11/2019 21:56

Bloody hell. I have an truly awful mother who I haven’t seen for ten years after she kicked me out at seventeen years old and I’m 90% sure if I phoned her out of the blue and asked her to support me for some reason, she would. I can’t believe how you and your DH have acted towards your daughter. Wow.

In fact, if your daughter had called me in a state, I would’ve gone to her house with wine and chocolate. You might think her relationship with this man was insignificant, but unfortunately, I can tell you from experience, she’s never felt so insignificant...

Killerqueen2244 · 21/11/2019 21:56

Son = golden child.

ffswhatnext · 21/11/2019 21:56

She might know you're there if she needs you. But when the time comes anything else takes precedence.
We can all make kind gestures. It's the actions that are more important.

MsRomanoff · 21/11/2019 21:57

Look, I am taking it on board. My daughter has a nice life because of me and DH, we set her up educationally and financially. She has everything going for her and she knows we are here if she needs us, we always would be

That's exactly what she said. You provided money. Not emotional support.

She doesnt know you are there for her, always. You werent there for this week because th fabric sale was too important.

AlexaShutUp · 21/11/2019 21:57

Wow. Just wow.

My parents are in their late seventies/early eighties and they would drop everything to help me or my DSis in a crisis. Even a fucking fabric sale!

You say that you love your dd, but it really doesn't sound as though you like her very much. It also sounds like your dh is very cold and controlling.

I doubt that she will look to you for emotional support again, so hopefully you won't have to face this dilemma in the future. Just don't expect much in the way of support from her as you get older.

I will always be there for my dd if she needs me. That's what I was taught that family was all about. Having said that, I'd have ditched the shopping trip to help a friend in crisis too. It's hard to believe that some people are so cold and unfeeling, and so wrapped up in their own trivial priorities. I actually feel quite sorry for you.

housebuyer101 · 21/11/2019 21:58

So so glad my mum isn't like this. She has been there for me in this exact scenario. She'd do anything for my wellbeing.

The abuse was bad on her part but I understand why given your response. You really need to have a think.

rvby · 21/11/2019 21:58

You make allowances for your dh being more tired than the average 60 yo... that's reasonable to you?

But no allowances for your dd being more emotional than your DS eh. Even though her level of emotionality sounds pretty standard? If only she got on with it and left you alone. Would be so nice wouldn't it?

My friend is 29 and was dumped recently after 1 year. She was absolutely devastated. She thought she was finally going to get married and settle down, she has been lonely and worried about turning 30 etc.

She cried for weeks. Shes not even my best friend and I have taken her call at midnight, and come to collect her/sit with her more than once. My dp went to collect her once!! He barely knows her?? Its just what you do for folk when they are hurting?

Again why have kids if you absolutely cannot be arsed?

Doingitaloneandproud · 21/11/2019 21:58

Wow reading all this, I'm so glad my parents are nothing like you. I mean they're older than you and your DH and both still work Full time but would be there for any of us at the drop of a hat

You're getting a hammering on the thread because of how you've spoken, like she owes you because you gave up your life for her. Odd way for a parent to think Hmm

Awaywiththepiskies · 21/11/2019 21:58

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction

Oh this is so sad to read. That you prioritise choosing fabric over your upset daughter ...

And by the way, I"m 61 & work a 6 day week in a highly specialised professional job (with all the stress that comes with it) and travel long distances nationally at least every fortnights, and long haul internationally every 3 months r so (I can also squat near enough to my own body weight, and can run quite fast). After 10 days on the go, I'm still volunteering at my niece's dance studio show day this weekend.

60 s not old, and your daughter is always your daughter - she tuned to you in distress and you chose shopping over her.

I feel so sorry for you. What a sad life.

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