Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

My sister once came out in a bad rash and I wanted to get her checked out just in case so we went to A&E, my dad went to the post office to post letters.

The fabric could have waited.

Wow, wow, wow.

My mother is 75, I'm in my 40's, and I could call her anytime and she'd be with me in the hour it took her to drive here.

She certainly wouldn't then also prioritise a fabric sale over me the next day also.

She would no my asking for that kind of help meant I needed her support.

Your poor daughter.

Hope you're ok now @sendcoffeeasap. Props to your lovely mum.

If she really needs you she will contact you.

She already did that. They turned hwe down flat.

I never said we worked full time. DH does three days and I do two

You said you declined as he had had a tiring week at work. You implied he worked full time. He doesnt have a tiring week at worn as he doesnr work all week.

Then you said you both work 2 days then 3.

I'd have been straight over there on the Saturday night - never mind waiting until Sunday. She came to you at her most vulnerable time and you rejected her. No wonder she is so upset. In one weekend she has been rejected by her partner and her parents.

grumpy thanks for understanding. I feel she does expect a lot from us yes. We can never seem to do the right thing, nothing is ever good enough. When she does come to our home she is often rude and snappy and generally difficult. She can easily fly off the handle and take offence to things. Her brother in comparison is very settled (married) and generally gets on with his life, so that’s why I do question whether it was parenting or just her nature.

This summer my relationship ended and I told my mum. I called my ex a rather creative nasty name and till this very day, if he comes up in conversatiom she calls him that very name. I'm 34. She supports me emotionally still. There are no age limits on these things so YABU and so is your husband. Meanies

A text ? What ? Why haven’t you called her ?
I am in my fifties and I have a twelve year old! Your Dh is hardly 85. We live in a rural area and routinely drive an hour to shops etc. If I had an adult dd rather than young ones, and she needed me I would get in the car, she was thirty five miles away, hardly any great distance !

Is your DH her Dad ? I am just baffled by this. I think if my Mum and Dad had gone shopping when I had asked for some support I would have been heartbroken, even a good friend actually.

If this is real, it's chilling.

I hope the dd reads it and has a lightbulb moment.

Saying you love someone doesn't make it true

Seriously it angers me that people like you two are allowed to breed. Do you have a heart!? Why have children if you don't love them!?

What if God forbid she was suicidal. Would you not take her call or pick her up because you were "tired" or had other plans. That might make you up because the fact your even need to ask in this thread is itself unbelievable.

You sound like my mother. I've been NC for ten years

If my daughter, (I have two about her age), rang wanting support it would take priority over anything else. The OPs excuse that she wanted to go shopping because there was a sale on is pathetic.

What her brother being married got to do with anything?

Your husband sounds like a (feeble) nasty prick, and you sound absolutely heartless. I’m not convinced you even like your poor daughter let alone love her, every single one of your posts has dripped with disdain for her. I don’t think you understand what it means to be a parent.
You’ve text her, what more can you do? Are you joking? How absolutely pathetic. I hope your cheap fabric makes you very happy, I can see you becoming a very lonely woman indeed, and deservedly so.

Of course she didn't take you up on your offer to go to your house the next day, she obviously realised her heartbreak had to wait until you'd secured your bargains!

But it's ok! Because when she was in uni you accepted some expensive calls whilst on your lovely Italian holiday, even though you were supposed to be relaxing! Great parenting!

When I had a bad breakup my parents got in the car and drove 2 hours in the middle of the night to come and pick me up. It's just what parents do. To prioritise cheap fabric over your daughter's heartbreak, no matter how old she is (not that you could even remember that, it seems!) is just cold.

Her brother maybe has not been labelled difficult, and has support from his wife.

I'm 45 and my mum 81. If I called her and said I needed her she would find a way.... you sound awful

Crikey I can't believe you didn't go straight to your daughter in her time of need. My Mum was always there for me - no question and my grown up kids always come first

My relationship broke down & my parents were on a plane in 5 hours to another country to help me out!
Very selfish of you & DH.

Without knowing more background or the other side of the story, I'd say ywbu.

She's never directly asked you to come over before, so doesn't make a habit of it. She's 30 and experienced a relationship breakdown with the man who was living with her.

Did it occur to you that her ex maybe wanted to get his stuff in the Sunday, that she wasn't happy leaving him alone in her house after their relationship had broken down, that she didn't want to be alone with him and wanted someone she knew to just be there with her?

No. You were bothered about missing a sale.

Your dh reacted badly. He needs to understand that his daughter is hurting, that her parents out a sale above her. You've practically said 'ah there will be another break up, we can be there for you then, but there won't be another fabric sale like this.

Tbh you both sound like my parents and after years of being ignored, put down, made to feel like everything negative was all my fault, I've gone NC and my life is definitely better for it.

Her brother in comparison is very settled (married) and generally gets on with his life, so that’s why I do question whether it was parenting or just her nature.

Wow. Just ice cold eh?

DH does three days and I do two. Unless anyone is over 55 then I don’t think you can comment on feeling tired, we have busy lives!

This is downright pathetic.

A guy in my work retired (reluctantly)at 70, from a very physical, full time job, that consisted of shifts and middle of the night call outs, with 40 minute commute each way, and he still did homers and babysitting every weekend.

This is all sounding familiar though. Possibly a reverse, or your daughter had posed about you before.

Also stop calling it abuse she was expressing why she was hurt and what she felt not randomly trying to hurt you

So her partner dumped her, and when she rang and asked for support you dumped her too - for some fabric ! Way to make someone feel valued and loved.

I'm stunned by your bizarre response to your child asking for emotional help. I would drop everything to help my DD or my DS or my DDIL if they asked for me, however far I had to drive, however late at night. The are adults but they will always be my children and they will always come before anything else in my life (especially fabric !)