Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

*know.

My DH is almost 60, he just drove 180 miles each way the other day because adult son was upset and needed a hug. He then worked a 12 hour shift the next day. In fact he's doing 5x 12 hour days this week.
I can't believe how you wouldn't go to your daughter when she needed you.so cold.
So wh at if your dh is tired, you could have gone yourself.
Hope you won't need looking after when you're old.

You keep saying that you told your daughter that she could come over to your house, once you had come back from a fabric sale. That is no consolation for you refusing to come when she needed you.

I am actually relieved that she didn't get in the car and drive to your house. Driving when you are very upset is HIGHLY DANGEROUS.

My dad worked 5-6 days a week. When I was struggling at university, he drove to the campus and brought me home for the weekend which was a 2 and a half hour round trip for him. He sometimes did this several weekends in a row.

Cheap fabric
Cheap morals
Wow just wow

If my daughter needed emotional support from me , I would be with her in an instant whether she was aged 3 or 33.

I think you need to ring and say that you are sorry and that you understand why she is so hurt. Just asking how she is and saying you love her is not enough now.
You should really be driving over to hers to see her.

Your posts are unbelievable , she called you from uni whilst you were in Italy upset and you keep using that as being there ? Get a grip woman. Your poor kids I'm glad your son has someone who he can rely on your poor dd is on her own.

Damn. I have a complicated relationship with my parents. But I want to call them and tell them they did alright. This is so sad to read. Outstandingly selfish. If she was that upset, she doesn't want to drive. She wanted her mother. But you'd both told her that she didn't matter enough to miss a sale for. That's cold. I don't blame her for saying what's what.

A text - how utterly pathetic.
Phone her women.
TBH, I don't think you'd know what being supportive means anyway.

Her brother in comparison is very settled (married) and generally gets on with his life, so that’s why I do question whether it was parenting or just her nature

Parenting. You’re not emotionally available to her.

And for the record you do treat your children differently the evidence for that is right here. In your own words. HTH

'The last few years she’s relied on me less and less, as happens with age. But she always seemed to be in the middle of a drama in one way or another. We don’t speak on the phone as much now but when we did it seemed she was always complaining about a man or about work. It hasn’t been easy and she wasn’t an easy child either. She is just fiery by nature.

I accept I was wrong in this situation and I intend to contact her tonight.'

@EmmaWizard909 I have bipolar disorder, borderline traits, and ADHD with autistic features. It took a long tiime for this stuff to be realised over the years, some of it I wasn't diagnosed with until the last couple of years (I'm 42 now.)

My mum's had to visit me in hospital, all sorts of things. I feel awful about it, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Your daughter may have some of this but not yet be diagnosed (no-one would've imagined I had ADHD, and few thought of autism- borderline isn't on so many people's radar.) She may have a mild version or just be someone who gets stressed easily, everyone's different.

Who knows, maybe it's due to her childhood; emotional neglect can do that to people.

Either way, that she finds it difficult to cope with stressful life events isn't a reason to bother with her less, quite the opposite- she may need more support than the average person.

Or it could just be how you are looking at someone else's distress as something to brush off, that makes you see her reaction to stressful events this way.

'I accept I was wrong in this situation and I intend to contact her tonight.''

I'm glad to hear it, but I think you need to consider how you respond to her reaching out to you for help in future going forward. As you can see, most people see your attitude as ridiculously callous and selfish.

I really, really hope we are all being had and this is a fake post.

You're not much of a friend never mind a mother.

@EmmaWizard909 mum is that you?

Joking aside my mother has always put material things before me. There is now no going back. I imagine your relationship with your daughter is over/unrepairable. But I suppose you have uninterrupted holidays and fabric shopping to look forward to. I hope you are also looking forward to the rubbish nursing home you deserve to be dumped at.

When my dd 30 rang me distressed her dp had even cheating and she needed to leave, me and dh - not her df - went over that night and the rest of that week to pack, help her move onto our house, found her a new house within a month, helped her move, financially assisted her - loan only at her insistance - looked after her dpet and supported her in which ever way she asked.
Same as we would for any of my dc.
Supported ds during his break up in different ways as per his request...
Being a dm /df doesn't stop at 18..

You chose fabric over your daughter ??? I understand the hours drive Saturday night , but fabric really .

I’m 40, and have had a really rough time the last few months. Both my parents (61 and 62 years) have given me hours and hours of emotional support on the phone and offered to fly 24 hours to the other side of the world, without me asking, to support me; dropping everything to do so. And this is notwithstanding they are in no financial position re pension and retirement to assist.

I feel very sad for your daughter.

You never stop needing your parents and as I am discovering, as I get older I need their wisdom, love, support, guidance and comfort more than ever.

Do you have a lot of money worries, or does your husband very tightly control your access to money? I note that not only was the sale a big deal but part of the issue with the international calls years ago was cost.

Some of the stories on here of what fantastic parents have done for their children have made me well up, they are so lovely.

Op you and your husband work part time. You absolutely could have gone to your daughter. You chose not to. You have labelled her as 'difficult ' and your son as 'settled'. And interesting you have found the single post on this entire thread that agreed with you to single out.

Glad you're not my mum!

It sounds like you prefer your son over her and you've prioritised going shopping over your upset child dealing with a relationship breakdown.

She may not have behaved well in her outburst but she's just been hurt by her partner and her own parents decided some fabric was more important than her. I think I'd be feeling annoyed and upset and emotional too.

I think the fact you invited her over shows how much you're missing the whole point of why she's upset. Why would / should she go out of her way to drive over to you when you weren't there for her?

Also the bit about the sale / planning it all week but has to be a joke. If my child (no matter what age) really needed me on the day of something really important that I'd been looking forward to all year, I'd choose my child in a heartbeat and not even mention the event I'd missed out on to them.

Fabric shopping. Words fail me.

My in laws and my mum are in their 80s I'm 50 and I know for a fact if I ever needed any of them like this they would drop everything and come straight away.

You sound so cold. Your poor daughter.

The reason we wanted to get the fabric was because there was a sale on. I know that sounds trite! But we had planned it all week

You chose cheap fabric over your distraught daughter.

Awful and I cannot believe this is real.

Every person is different and we al age differently. If my DH is tired then he is - she is certainly young enough to drive 35 miles.

She has responded and said she is ok and said she loves me too.

Yikes

I don't blame your DD for being upset at your lack of support. You work 2 days a week and prioritised shopping for fabric when her partner had just left her.

Your DH works 3 days a week and prioritised shopping for fabric when her partner had just left her.

I suspect this is just an example of where she lies in your list of priorities.