Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

actually yes I remember at that age I had a (very small) baby and DH started throwing up blood (a lot) at 2am so I rang them (and for an Ambulance) and it was just after it had snowed so the roads were icy. They got in a car and drove straight over even with the icy roads (which is a fear of hers).
Because their daughter needed them at that point so they were there

There is no excuse OP you can come up with. She didnt even want you at that point (though I know mine would have done) she wanted you the next day. Yet curtains were more important

Why is your DH angry as well

My adult dc's have called me in the early hours of the morning distressed, I went to see them. I've also done it with friends who have needed my help.

The night before is not last minute. You could have gone to get the extremely important fabric and then gone to visit. It doesn't matter how much help you gave her 10 years ago. She needed it now.

If one of mine contacted me to go over the next day because they were upset, I'd tell them to not be so daft, I'm on my way now.

@EmmaWizard909 care to explain the inconsistencies with working?
Cannot work 2 days a week, fulltime and 3 days.

Your post makes me feel desperately sad for your daughter. She needed you and asked for you to be there and you just couldn’t be bothered and went shopping instead. Wow.

I’m 32 and married with a child. But I know that if I called my parents in a state like that, they’d drop anything to come and be with me. That what parents do.

What goes around, comes around. And when you’re really really old and need her to help you out/keep you company, be prepared for her to tell you that she’s got better things to do.

When I needed my dad he dropped everything and got on a plane to see me. To Australia. Let that sink in, then consider your behaviour towards your daughter. If you continue in this manner you soon wont have a daughter.

I am 25, last night I rang my Mam at 1:05am, to ask her to help me. She drove 120 miles, after being woken up, to come and get me from a hospital in the middle of the night. I said I was so so sorry I had forgotten my purse etc and didn't know who to call, and she told me she never wanted to hear me apologise again, I was her daughter and I am to ring her at ANY time for ANYTHING as she is my Mother and she loves me. She's in her 60's and works full time, was at work this morning after being up half the night to help me.
I could not imagine how your DD must be feeling today...

I’m trying to do the right thing here, that’s why I’ve text her. I get I have messed up.

DH is her father.

I am really sadenned that you even had to post this. As a parent you know in your gut when your children need you. Then to describe your daughter as 'fiery' and 'sensitive', that is your blood and she is clearly very hurt. I would be ashamed if I were you.

If a short drive after a two day working week is too much for you at 60, then chances are you'll need elderly support younger than most, and hopefully she'll be too busy doing the weekly food shop to offer you any support.

I had the exact same thought.

Hopefully your dh doesnt dump you tomorrow OP, if he does your DD can tell you you're old enough to sort it yourself and she'll see you after she's had her nails done if she can swing it

Like I said above, while at university she called us incessantly when we were abroad on holiday. I took the calls and tried to speak to her. Not easy when there’s expense with each call and you’re supposed to be having time away from stress!

Are you for fucking real?!

So a decade ago, basically, your daughter had a bad breakup and - heaven forfend - made some distressed calls to you. But oh, the phone call expense! How dare she be having a shit time when YOU were having a holiday and deserve to be shielded from all stress, by law!

You trot this story out like you think it justified you. Like she used up all your Caring Coupons at the age of 21, so what does she expect? You sound like you basically don't like her, and like you've pigeonholed her as "fiery" and "dramatic" every time she dares to have a feeling about her life.

You let her down catastrophically. You were selfish, self-absorbed and stuck in your ways to a truly absurd degree. Discount fabric. And TEN THIRTY PM! FFS. I don't care if she called you at four thirty. You should have been there.

I truly cannot imagine my child calling me in distress at any age and asking for my help and my response not being "I'm on my way", unless I was totally physically incapacitated. I can still remember breaking up with a boyfriend at his place and I was crying so hard, I quite literally couldn't leave. I had to stay there another 24 hours. I am not that close or reliant on my parents, and at the time they were at the time a transatlantic flight away, but if I'd called them and asked them for help, they'd have gathered up a change of clothes and got in the car to the airport, no question.

You really fucked this up, didn't you? And your husband... let's just not get into that.

I was still living at home (teenager) when my mum came into my room at around 11pm, because my sister had called after her boyfriend walked out (they'd been together for years and years). They'd had a massive fight, he'd packed a bag and left. My mum just came into my room and said "i need to go and get your sister. We'll be home in a few hours so don't panic when you hear the noise of us coming in". And she went. A long drive, dark, raining. She went and brought my sister home.

Then about 10 years later, when I had moved out, I has the worst week of my life. I won't go into that but I wasn't doing well. My mum would phone every Sunday, so she phoned as usual. I don't ask for help. I don't really share my feelings, so I just talked and tried to pretend all was normal. After about 10 minutes of talking, my mum said "there is something wrong, isn't T
there? I will be there in an hour".
I didn't even need to ask.

I'm so glad I got her as a mum and not someone like you.

My parents are on a holiday of a lifetime travelling india for 3 weeks and are still finding wifi to contact me to check in.

Oh dear OP, you are getting quite a bashing on here. We don’t know the full story and perhaps people are making assumptions about your general parenting and feelings towards your daughter that aren’t true.

However, I do agree that I think you’ve made a mistake here. Your daughter is clearly hurting and wanted her parents support, as anyone might at any age. It does sound a bit like you are tired of supporting her and are only willing to do so if it’s easy for you, eg at the right time/place with no financial obligations.

Call her, it’s not too late! Show her you care about her and want to be there for her.

My father is 76 years old and not very mobile. If I rang him upset he would love heaven and earth for me. If he couldn't come to me (he isn't safe to drive at night and would struggle getting into London on his own in the dark due to eyesight issues, same reason he can't drive at night) he would have me in a taxi.

You should be ashamed. I hope your daughter shows you the same level of callous neglect when you need her some day and you "D"H isn't there. He sounds like a total prick btw.

What’s a reverse? Confused 😐

Jesus Christ you are cold. I'd hike a fucking mountain on no sleep if my daughter said she needed me, no matter what age. I hope your curtains are pretty.

Have you apologised?

Indicated that you know you fucked up? That you want ro make your relationship better?

Seems like she’s really immature for her age from your posts and not very resilient. Does she have form for being self-centered Op? My DC is like this - expects my aunt to drop everything to see her when she needs it but then when my eighty year old aunt requires help herself it’s us she ends up calling in tears because DC isn’t interested or gets into a rage over being asked. Over the years there have been many break ups and ‘sudden childcare emergencies’ which were nothing of the sort.

Stick to your guns, don’t apologise, and let her approach you. If she really needs you she will contact you.

I never said we worked full time. DH does three days and I do two. Unless anyone is over 55 then I don’t think you can comment on feeling tired, we have busy lives! I have said over and over that I can see we messed up. I’ve text her. What more can I do? Nobody is perfect!

@GrumpyHoonMain or she had been up all night and crying and didn't feel safe to drive? Or she thought that as they clearly didn't think she should need them she didn't want to go round and be faced with cold bemusement. What on Earth has suggested she wanted money?

Having a mother who has never provided emotional support. I can really see where she is coming from.
It’s appalling that you can leave her so upset and not help even if your husband didn’t want to help s her mother you should have gone. Shame on you.

be honest does your DH always rule the roost?

Oh @FrancisCrawford that made me cry, your lovely mum. I'm so sorry

WTAF. You do sound like shit parents. You both sound awful.

I’m trying to do the right thing here, that’s why I’ve text her. I get I have messed up

Then get in the car, camp on her doorstep if you have to, hug her, and tell her that.

Or at least actually CALL her.

Thank goodness you aren't my mother.