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Original poster

Exh’s dp doesn’t want me to text about anything other than DD

127 replies

Lollypalooza · 21/11/2019 20:40

Background- ExH and I were together 10 years (married 4). We have a 5yo DD who we share care of. We separated just over 3 years ago, and although there were obviously difficult times and ups and downs, the split was amicable and was largely due to us having drifted apart as a couple, being more like friends who lived together (separate bedrooms).

We both now have new partners. ExH lives with his new partner. We are both much happier in our new relationships.

As I said, we are still friendly and will be in touch over arrangements for care of DD as well as other bits and pieces such as have you heard about X mutual friend who had a baby or have you heard the new song by X. I have absolutely no romantic feelings/attraction to him.

This week I sent him a link to a news story about Huntington’s disease, as he used to work with people with Huntington’s. He replied “Oh yes I saw this in the news. X is a bit uncomfortable with us texting about anything other than DD so might have to keep it businesslike from now on. Hope you understand”.

What do you think? I just replied “Ok”.

OP posts:
donnalou76 · 21/11/2019 20:42

She needs to grow up! I can't stand Dp ex but I accept that they get on and are friends!!!

greyspottedgoose · 21/11/2019 20:44

She should be grateful you get on and it's not difficult for you to coparent, you have history and will always be tied together by your child and she needs to grow up

Aderyn19 · 21/11/2019 20:46

I sort of get why she wouldn't like it. I know that you are right really and that it's better if ex partners who share a child to be amicable, but I also can understand why she's feeling uncomfortable. I wouldn't really want my DH remaining friends with someone he'd once been in love with - it would feel like blurred boundaries.

PerfectPenquins · 21/11/2019 20:46

He should grow a pair, showing your daughter your both friendly is a good example to her for future relationships. If he panders to his gf insecurities now he will be heading down an isolating road.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2019 20:47

I would tell him that quite frankly, no, I don't understand at all. You were married for many years, share a child, and have managed to maintain a cordial, friendly relationship, but now, just because his new partner is an insecure fuckwit you're deemed an enemy or a threat? I would tell him how pathetic he is to allow this idiot woman to control who he talks to. What a dick.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 21/11/2019 20:48

I was actually really surprised because she’s always been friendly in person, and in fact in the early days of him moving in with her I used to drop DD off by pulling up outside in the car and calling him and he’d come out as I wasn’t sure what the vibe was and didn’t want to overstep but he told me she thought I had a problem with her as I never came to the door (Hmm). So after that I brought DD to the door and a couple of times have popped in and chatted, eg congratulated her on a new job I knew she’d got. So I was pleased it all seemed to be friendly and am a bit surprised by this.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2019 20:49

I wouldn't really want my DH remaining friends with someone he'd once been in love with - it would feel like blurred boundaries.

How utterly ridiculous and pathetic. If you have that little trust in your husband you shouldn't have married him.

FrancesFlute · 21/11/2019 20:51

That's a tricky one. It's great modelling that amicable relationship to your DD, well done.

His new partner must be a bit unsecure. I can kind of see where she's coming from though. Do you have an inkling of what he might think about it?

FrancesFlute · 21/11/2019 20:51

*insecure

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 21/11/2019 20:52

The childish side of me wanted to reply “I’m sorry for sending such a flirty sexy message as a news story about Huntington’s disease” 😳😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypalooza · 21/11/2019 20:56

FrancesFlute I don’t have an inkling what he thinks, knowing him I would imagine he wants an easy life and would go along with whatever. I don’t want that to be to the detriment of our DD though, who, as others have noticed, has always known us having a friendly relationship. I haven’t seen him in person since the text, he is dropping DD off tomorrow morning so I will see if I can suss out his feelings. I don’t want to push things and cause ill feeling.

OP posts:
EsselGruntFuttock · 21/11/2019 20:58

I wouldn't really want my DH remaining friends with someone he'd once been in love with - it would feel like blurred boundaries.

That’s just insecurity and perhaps jealousy? People can love each other in a different way and still stay friends after the relationship ends. You’d be the new wife/partner from hell especially if children were involved.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2019 20:58

What really bothers me about this situation is that it's clear your ex's new partner does not have the best interests of your daughter in mind. She is so petty and insecure that she feels entitled to put herself before her partner's child. It is so critically important that your daughter sees her parents having a friendly, caring relationship. Even though you've divorced, you can still model what healthy partnerships should look like. I would be asking your ex if he is as unconcerned about his daughter's well-being as his partner is.

Aderyn19 · 21/11/2019 21:00

It's not about trust or lack of it. People's feelings aren't always logical or reasonable.
Anyway, the ex has already decided to do what makes his dp comfortable so it doesn't really matter whether anyone else considers it reasonable behaviour or not.

itsgettingweird · 21/11/2019 21:03

My Ex DP then wife would invite me to join them if we bumped into each other in village. Even in early days. She herself said it's better for ds to know we all get along and share love for him we'd chat shit and about ds.

I actually liked her more than my ex Grin

leghairdontcare · 21/11/2019 21:05

Just stop texting. She's insecure, that's all on her, whatever. Your daughter is 5 and it doesn't make a difference if you text her dad about Huntington's disease. Continue to have the amicable relationship you've had without the irrelevant texts.

I definitely wouldn't try and "suss him out". He's said stop texting him, you've said ok. Leave it at that.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 21/11/2019 21:06

Aderyn19 Well yes, although my first reaction upon receiving the text was “wtf?!” my actual reply was just “ok” as I didn’t want to start stirring anything up. However, I don’t it to be the start of a slippery slope like she starts making more and more requests/demands.

I wondered if perhaps it was a bit of a ruse on her part to try and cause problems- like trying to get me to say how unreasonable she was and so on. I don’t know though. Like I say I was surprised as she’s been friendly in person!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypalooza · 21/11/2019 21:08

leghairdontcare I know it doesn’t make a difference if I text him about that, we’ve been friends for 13 years though. I do get it though.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 21/11/2019 21:12

this is such a shame OP... having a good relationship with your Ex is great and healthy for your DD... Flowers

ffswhatnext · 21/11/2019 21:15

I think it's really sad when you cannot remain friends with someone just because you've had a relationship with them.

I'm mates with a few people I have previously had relationships with. We are a lot better as friends.

I couldn't be with someone who had a problem with this as it's blatantly telling me you don't trust me.

JoanieCash · 21/11/2019 21:16

It’s such weird insecurity on her part. Nobody splits up with their partner whilst they have young kids and goes through all the associated stress, and self flagellation about it if they really could have made it work. To feel threatened that you might now work it out with Ex suggests she’s so insecure.

leghairdontcare · 21/11/2019 21:18

However, I don’t it to be the start of a slippery slope like she starts making more and more requests/demands.

Yes, I think you have to play it by ear. Pick your battles and all that. Above all else, be the bigger person.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 21/11/2019 21:19

JoanieCash I know, I do wonder what her insecurity is- that we still have feelings for each other? If we wanted to be together we definitely still would be.

OP posts:
TiceCream · 21/11/2019 21:19

I always preferred to date people who’ve cut contact with their exes and left the past in the past. Obviously when you have a child you can’t do that. But I don’t see the need for anything beyond essential contact.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 21/11/2019 21:21

She has two DCs with her ExH, I don’t know the full situation of their break up and current relationship but I know they’re more rigid with contact than us- eg they always swap at the same time on the same day, whereas we are much more flexible and will swap days if the other has plans or wants DD an extra day for plans with her.

OP posts: