Exh’s dp doesn’t want me to text about anything other than DD

[Lollypalooza]

Background- ExH and I were together 10 years (married 4). We have a 5yo DD who we share care of. We separated just over 3 years ago, and although there were obviously difficult times and ups and downs, the split was amicable and was largely due to us having drifted apart as a couple, being more like friends who lived together (separate bedrooms).

We both now have new partners. ExH lives with his new partner. We are both much happier in our new relationships.

As I said, we are still friendly and will be in touch over arrangements for care of DD as well as other bits and pieces such as have you heard about X mutual friend who had a baby or have you heard the new song by X. I have absolutely no romantic feelings/attraction to him.

This week I sent him a link to a news story about Huntington’s disease, as he used to work with people with Huntington’s. He replied “Oh yes I saw this in the news. X is a bit uncomfortable with us texting about anything other than DD so might have to keep it businesslike from now on. Hope you understand”.

What do you think? I just replied “Ok”.

If you cannot hack your DP being friendly with the other parent of their children, you need to give your head a massive wobble. Children need to see healthy post-split relationships, not a controlling jealous new partner forcing a formal, stiff, business relationship. Children are not a business transaction

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby if you think this is how everyone is you are very mistaken . Ideally yes but in real life no in many cases.

I wouldnt worry she is obviously either having a insecurity wobble or just testing that she has some control over the situation. Just go with it. Tbh I am friends with a lot of couples but would text the wife of do a group chat with my husband and their husband in it. Not saying what you were doing was not right but maybe extend the hand of friendship to her and the 4 of you can be friends in the long term. Just now I would just text about dd only as he has requested and going forwards get her on side by chatting to her when u get the chance (as u already do). You can have friends of the opposite sex but when new partners are involved it's a difficult balance.

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby he didn't say we can't be friendly he said stop texting me unless it is about our DD.

You can be friends with someone without sending them irrelevant text messages.

I can’t bear this insecure jealous prim stuff about how people “ought” to communicate.
But what can you do? She is jealous / insecure / prim / controlling and he is a sap.

You can’t do anything but shrug and roll your eyes.

One thing, do you ever text him and her jointly? “Hi ex and woman, just to say Dd is still talking about xxxx activity you did last weekend, so lovely “.

@TheStuffedPenguin

Oh I know. I’m a child of a very hostile and bitter divorce and there is simply no way I would put my own children through that. It caused untold damage to me, my mother was always telling me things I should never have known, obstructing contact for any and all reasons she could muster up, very petty, very spiteful and had no issue using me as a weapon despite the fact it was hurting me as well as my Dad.

Being friends is far better for your daughter though. In the future, there will likely be - graduation, engagement, wedding, christening's, grandchild's first Christmas, grandchild's birthday parties. How do you want these to be - cool and polite or friendly? Be honest, friendly will make every day easier. Imagine trying to manage a stroppy teen who can sense you two are not friendly - it gives them a way to exploit any differences in parenting. More importantly, it makes them less secure.

I will occasionally send exdh a message about something like someone in a band we both liked having died. Our children are grown and we've been divorced for years, he's remarried. I wouldn't give a shit that his new wife wanted any messages to be business like only. Where do these women get off attempting to control who their husbands' have contact with?

You can be friends with someone without sending irrelevant text messages

What is friendship if it isn’t sending irrelevant text messages? What do you text your friends if not so-called irrelevant messages?

And are the messages irrelevant? If he’s asked to swap the night be had DD as he wants to go to see X band play, and I text “How was the gig?” is that irrelevant?

Even the news story in my OP I send him. Is that irrelevant?

Irrelevant to our DD yes, but relevant to his interests and life.

Just putting thoughts out there!

I can see both sides.

But ultimately it's all about the DC and it's more important in the long run that you and your ex get on. But you both have to be happy with that, and clearly he isn't happy. Maybe that's because of his DP's influence, maybe it's not, but is it a problem to just communicate in a friendly manner about the DC?

Unfortunately when relationships break down, things change. It can rarely ever go back to how it was before, just minus the romance.

I wouldn't believe what he said she thinks but if you think she's reading his messages say something like 'I've been thinking about what you said and I hope you are behaving yourself because (exdh's partner) is really nice and DD loves her. Don't fuck it up!' or something about how great its been to have a cordial relationship for DD. I reckon he's cheating on her again, or she thinks he is.

If the was no child involved this thread would go completely differently

adaline Yes, I think most people here seem to think along the same lines as me- raise eyebrow, not what I would’ve chosen, but go along with it for the sake of peace and amicability. I disagree with people who’ve said it’s overstepping the mark/boundaries, and agree more with people who said it sounds like the DP is a bit insecure and starting to show a few controlling signs. But I would never say that to him and as people have pointed out, it may well be coming from him anyway.

Simkin Interesting he could be cheating again, or she suspects. To be honest, as I said, when I found out about the cheating I assumed that would be it- they’d been together 2 months and so she had nothing to lose and 2 DC to protect. If he does that after 2 months together, no wonder you’d feel insecure and you’d constantly be wondering if something was going on. I was surprised when they worked it out after that, but maybe the cracks are beginning to show stemming from that.

@Lollypalooza If she's been cheated on, I'm not surprised she's feeling insecure. Of course, she could make the choice to end the relationship but for whatever reason she hasn't.

I would just hold out and I imagine it will blow over once they inevitably break up. He's already cheated once and she sounds unhappy - I doubt they'll go the distance so this is probably a minor blip.

Perhaps it's your ex who doesn't want the chit chat, but didn't know how to tell you? Not that saying what he did was OK, as he shouldn't lie or blame her.

I agree with Lolly, I think one of the reasons I have stayed with my H despite various misgivings and some crappy behaviour on his part is that I hugely value the friendship we have had for 24 years and I worry that if he met someone new (and he would be in demand) is that friendship may not be possible because of a situation like this and our son is in his early 20s , so no meet ups reallyvrequired etc .

Unless Ive missed something, you ex didn't say in his text that it was his partner that wanted you both to stop discussing things other than the child, so why is she getting the blame?

SomewhereInbetween1 In my OP I quoted the text he sent:

“Oh yes I saw that in the news. X is a bit uncomfortable with us texting about us texting about things unrelated to DD. So might have to keep it more business like. Hope you understand”.

X being the DP (obviously he put her name, not X).

Ah yes of course you did! My apologies😊

Being friends is far better for your daughter though. In the future, there will likely be - graduation, engagement, wedding, christening's, grandchild's first Christmas, grandchild's birthday parties. How do you want these to be - cool and polite or friendly? Be honest, friendly will make every day easier

But you can still be friendly without the texting. I perfectly nice to my ex when I see him, we have a laugh, we talk about things that are happening (although mainly re the kids and I try not to talk about our shared past when DP is there) and we are genuinely friendLY - I wouldn’t say we are friendS though. He would absolutely help me out in a sticky situation, because I’m the mother of his DCs and he wouldn’t want me to suffer as it would impact on them. But without them would we still even be in touch? I don’t think so.

30to50FeralHogs Yes I think we will move more towards friendly than friends as you say.

My older brother’s parents divorced when he was 3 (we have the same dad, different mums) and it was acrimonious. Very much a ‘getting dropped off in the car at the bottom of the drive’ type of situation. He’s told me as an adult that he hated it. Felt he had two separate lives that didn’t merge together at all. The first time my Ddad and Dbro’s Dmum were next in a room together was at his uni graduation so around 15 years later. He remembers what should’ve been a happy, proud day as being one of the most awkward days of his life with long uncomfortable silences. I don’t want that for my DD.

I think it’s lovely to be friendly with each other. My mum and dad were business like and only spoke regarding me and it was horrible, I felt like I had 2 separate lives. I’d have a proper conversation with all 3 of you.

She needs to get a grip , I still speak to my partner before my husband and we don't have kids as a connection but I'm still close with him on a friendship level. In fact he came to our wedding and my husband even lent him money recently as he had fell on hard times. She needs to stop being jealous , for goodness sake.

Can I ask if he ever instigates sending you any messages unrelated to your DD?

If he doesn't, then I would read something into that, or maybe he'd rather talk face to face because his DP checks his phone.

It's also very different to her relationship with her Ex, so she can't understand that you're both friendly....and is insecure and jealous.

If I felt the need to constantly check my DHs phone, then I wouldn't be with him.

I hear of betrayed spouses asking for photographs and receipts, checking car mileage, installing location trackers etc ... it's so not worth it to live like that.

SandyY2K I’ve looked back over our messages for the past month or so. I actually think I’ve over estimated by saying around 2 non-DD texts a week. In the past month or so, there’s the Huntington’s news story from me (unrelated to previous any conversation), him telling me he was going to see X band and me asking how it was, him asking if he could pick up an exercise bike that had been in our house and made its way to mine when we moved out and he now wants, then a conversation which started off about arrangements for DD- i.e. that he would have her one night I would usually have as I was going to a gig, I then told him the band were collecting food bank donations at the gig, which he said was a lovely idea, I said I was at Sainsbury’s to get something to take and our local Sainsbury’s (he’s now moved 30 mins away) now has a sushi counter- must be going up in the world, and he said must try it, I’ve heard good things from X (mutual friend). So that started off with DD arrangements then trailed off a little. Other than that, it’s all related to DD- school photos, a clinic check up appointment, Remembrance Sunday service arrangements, future holiday dates, Christmas arrangements and so on.