Exh’s dp doesn’t want me to text about anything other than DD

[Lollypalooza]

Background- ExH and I were together 10 years (married 4). We have a 5yo DD who we share care of. We separated just over 3 years ago, and although there were obviously difficult times and ups and downs, the split was amicable and was largely due to us having drifted apart as a couple, being more like friends who lived together (separate bedrooms).

We both now have new partners. ExH lives with his new partner. We are both much happier in our new relationships.

As I said, we are still friendly and will be in touch over arrangements for care of DD as well as other bits and pieces such as have you heard about X mutual friend who had a baby or have you heard the new song by X. I have absolutely no romantic feelings/attraction to him.

This week I sent him a link to a news story about Huntington’s disease, as he used to work with people with Huntington’s. He replied “Oh yes I saw this in the news. X is a bit uncomfortable with us texting about anything other than DD so might have to keep it businesslike from now on. Hope you understand”.

What do you think? I just replied “Ok”.

I think if you were posting as your ex's partner, you'd get loads of replies saying the ex was being massively out of order and needed to stick to practicalities.

I can see your view also in this case, but given that however he's phrased it the request has come from him so he has ok'd it as a move to take, I would do as you've been asked.

With all due respect the way you’re speaking about this, well, it’s as if you’re enjoying it? It’s all sounds rather ‘rubs hands together gleefully’ throwing out bizarre ideas that she’s deliberately trying to cause trouble etc. Especially given that you’ve mentioned she’s always been very nice to you, maybe this is just one of her hard limits? Doesn’t make her a bad person.

Maybe it’s insecurity or maybe she just has very different boundaries to you and they are as a couple trying to figure what their boundaries are together. Both of these are normal and okay.

You can still be good friends without the need for 5+ conversations a week, maybe she feels you’re too big of a presence in their lives. After all your daughter is so little and his no idea how much you text or what about, all she needs to see is mummy and daddy nice to each when they are together or talking about one another etc.

I would respect her wishes as she is his partner now and there’s no sense in rocking the boat.

It really is just small talk and nothing to get worked up about for his DP.

In relation to the content of the messages, while quite innocent, her feelings on them are probably that all those things relate to your history with him. Things she may not know so well about him like the music he likes.

The familiarity is making her feel like you share something with him, that she doesn't.

The nature of the conversation wouldn't be an issue for many people, but it is for her....because it's you sending them.

If it was a male friend who sent him those same messages, she wouldn't have an issue. I mean a sushi bar in Sainbury's is hardly flirty.

SandyY2K Oh yes, there’s no way the messages could be described as flirty.

My new DP is in contact with his ex (they were together 2 years but not married and no children) as they both play on a sports team together (well on the male and female teams of the same club) and both sit on the committee of the club. They go to club socials and he is the club welfare officer and was sorting our DBS checks and she texted him photos of her ID etc.

If someone is an ex surely it’s for a reason. If you wanted to be together you could’ve been.

I think you, your ex, your DP and his ex all sound like sensible adults who understand that romance can die and adults can remain friendly and amicable.

The your ex's partner sounds jealous and insecure, though I agree with PP that had younposted as your ex's partner I'm sure loads of people would have taken the unconditional affirmation approach of "you're so right Hun, he should have boundaries, there's no need for anything beyond business texts about the DC".

I'd pick your battles on this one though OP. Ideally your ex would have the balls to say that his partner should get a grip and doesn't get to dictate the nature of an amicable co-parenting relationship, but hopefullu she realises she's being ridiculous or she'll end up trying to interfere too much and you can keep the moral high ground by being reasonable every step of the way.

he is the club welfare officer and was sorting our DBS checks and she texted him photos of her ID etc .

That’s quite different to the chummy texts you describe though, more on a par with the ones about the DCs that we all accept are part and parcel of life after divorce.

Yes it seems much more about not wanting to let go whilst he is keen to make the break and shift op to someone from the past and just keep it friendly not an ongoing friendship. May or may not have anything to do with his new partner, but he may choosing to prioritise her which is right and as long as you can respect it, won't have a negative impact on anyone but you by the sounds of it.

Longfacenow It won’t have a negative effect on me, I don’t think.

I WISH my husband and his ex had a friendly relationship like you do! I wonder if she had had a drink and was feeling insecure at that moment. Not right but he may have been trying to soothe waters. I wouldn't put to much thought into it.... as PPs have said, just roll your eyes. Don't let yourself overthink it.

Ex and I have remained friendly over the past 14 years and although a couple of his previous partners took offence at it, it's always been his problem to handle because we once loved one another to have a child and I refuse to allow someone on the outside walk in and start laying down boundaries; they're for Ex and I to set.

Fortunately his DW is lovely; she and I chat and get on well, Ex and his DW come here often and catch up, we spend birthdays and christmases together so there's nobody missing out, and Ex and I have always prioritised one another in our new relationships; when DH and I met he obviously knew Ex and I were in touch but I've never spoken unkindly about him to DH simply because there's never been a need.

It's easy to say "you need to do x, y and z" but in your shoes I'd let the friendship go but when things go wrong with this DP (and if she's already laying down the law about conversations he's allowed to have with you, it's unlikely to be a lasting partnership) gently point out to him that the two of you are still on the same side when it comes to parenting, and that there ought to be a level of kindness and friendship if it's at all possible.

Longfacenow
Nothing about the OP suggests not wanting to let go.
They've both moved on with new partners. They're both happy. They stopped feeling romantically to each other, the love died and they've remained amicable.

I'd be rolling my eyes.

Actually I got that vibe too lola her responses read (to me) as if she has an emotional attachment still as opposed to just being friendly.

Either way the request has come from him (so we can only assume he is okay with it) to OP and no matter what she feels about it she should do as requested by him.

Do you think snowball?

I'd say I have emotional bonds with my friends Vs getting on with people being friendly.

I think because I've stayed friendly with exes before that I think it's hard to imagine ever being intimate again with them so find it odd anyone would have an issue.

It wasn't meant as a criticism. The op has thanked someone who acknowledged how hard letting go is so I think it's fair to say it plays an (understandable) part but either way ex wants to move on and co-parent rather than have a friendship.

I feel concern for some of my exes (others not so much, they made their bed and can lie in it) and would chat without any thought of getting back together. Feeling for them is different to having feelings for them.

You aren’t a couple or even friends and he has asked you to stop messaging unless it’s about your daughter so I think you need to respect that and do so. It might be he doesn’t want you messaging but didn’t want to say that so blamed his partner, it might be he wants to play you two off against each other or perhaps he has been messaging other women and making out to his partner that it’s you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes I’d say so.

I do think there’s a difference between the emotional bond between a friend than the emotional bond between ex-lovers especially one who share a child. The lines and boundaries can get blurred so easily and if the new partner is feeling this way due to volume of contact then it’s understandable she may want to firm up boundaries.

And of course we don’t know the request even came from her, maybe it’s him using her as a cover?

Either way as he’s clearly okay with the request as he’s agreed to relay it and help implement it then really it should be respected by OP.

*Just stop texting. She's insecure, that's all on her, whatever. Your daughter is 5 and it doesn't make a difference if you text her dad about Huntington's disease. Continue to have the amicable relationship you've had without the irrelevant texts.

I definitely wouldn't try and "suss him out". He's said stop texting him, you've said ok. Leave it at that.*

This.

He's already cheated on her and now quite rightly needs to make compromises to make his relationship work. That's why things need to change.

He has got into a relationship with somebody who wants boundaries with exes, as many people do, and he himself doesn't seem all that keen on instigating conversation with you that isn't about practical arrangements or your daughter anyway. It doesn't really sound like all that much will even change. You can still be perfectly friendly, your daughter doesn't know or care about the texts, they are purely for your benefit, and he has somebody he needs to prioritise over you.

It may not even be about insecurity- he may simply be on his phone too much and she's sick of it. Either way, it's not a strange request and it doesn't need to make any difference to how friendly you are and how you attend events related to your daughter.

Snowball28 and Longfacenow Thanks for your food for thought. Yes, this bring brought up has maybe highlighted to be that I have still maintained an emotional connection- not in any way romantic or sexual/an attraction, but in our shared history and in caring for him and wanting him to be happy. I still do think it is a shame, and I think it’s a bit sad for the people saying “why bother sending irrelevant texts?” Well yes, quite, but then again why bother doing anything? Why bother ever leaving the house and ever talking to anyone and having anything in common to talk about to anybody?! But I suppose we’ve reached a point where our relationship is changing, whether guided by his DP or not, from friends to friendly. Just another step on the road from in love and married, to just friends, to just friendly... I just hope the next steps aren’t unfriendly and animosity. Hopefully my reaction to this request and me following it will help to keep things smooth and friendly as opposed to if I had kicked up a fuss.

Whether this is actually coming from your exes dp or him you can't be sure. You can be sure that the friendship you want, he doesn't want anymore or he would not have said anything to you. He would have refused to do as she asked.

@Lollypalooza
You are very welcome. There's no reason for things to go downhill, it'll be different going forward now that's all.

Personally speaking, if I was sitting on the couch with my bf and he was texting his ex every night about ‘interesting articles’ or funny stuff or whatever rather than spending quality time with me I would not be happy about it either- I doubt many people would be to be fair.

I’m with your Exes DP. It might only be a link to Huntington’s but it’s so intrusive, I know you don’t mean it to be, but they could be sat for dinner and having a romantic chat and it’s like a ‘Hello! I’m still here!’

I know of zero ex partners who truly get along as friends. I know many who have blurred boundaries and the healthiest thing for your kids is to let go of your friendship, remain cordial and centred around the kids, and let yourself truly move on.

In years to come you could rebuild a friendship once enough time has passed for your separation to allow you both to basically stop thinking of each other so much as connected souls.

Often ex Hs put up with this type of communication as they feel they have to keep the exW happy so there is a better environment for the children too . My H's ex goes through periods of texting him all the time ( currently) to periods of not talking to him or threatening to tell the children false things about him or asking him if he is not a father anymore as the mood (booze) takes her.

Yeah she’s an idiot.