Exh’s dp doesn’t want me to text about anything other than DD

[Lollypalooza]

Background- ExH and I were together 10 years (married 4). We have a 5yo DD who we share care of. We separated just over 3 years ago, and although there were obviously difficult times and ups and downs, the split was amicable and was largely due to us having drifted apart as a couple, being more like friends who lived together (separate bedrooms).

We both now have new partners. ExH lives with his new partner. We are both much happier in our new relationships.

As I said, we are still friendly and will be in touch over arrangements for care of DD as well as other bits and pieces such as have you heard about X mutual friend who had a baby or have you heard the new song by X. I have absolutely no romantic feelings/attraction to him.

This week I sent him a link to a news story about Huntington’s disease, as he used to work with people with Huntington’s. He replied “Oh yes I saw this in the news. X is a bit uncomfortable with us texting about anything other than DD so might have to keep it businesslike from now on. Hope you understand”.

What do you think? I just replied “Ok”.

Maybe it was a ruse on HIS part. Perhaps he wants to play you two off against each other. I would assume that quicker than I would think she was trying to cause trouble.

Anyway, if she is insecure, chances are its because of his actions. Which may be more than just texting you.

I'd respect his wishes and back off other than discussing your kid. Less drama that way.

@Aquamarine1029

Posted this earlier

I would tell him that quite frankly, no, I don't understand at all. You were married for many years, share a child, and have managed to maintain a cordial, friendly relationship, but now, just because his new partner is an insecure fuckwit you're deemed an enemy or a threat? I would tell him how pathetic he is to allow this idiot woman to control who he talks to. What a dick

^^ send that!

Or your own suggestion. Or better still - yours then hers!

It’s not like you were sending him photos asking if he likes your new underwear. & it doesn’t sound like you text endlessly FFS

Pinkbonbon Well yes, very true, I only have his say so on what she’s apparently said.

This is a drip feed but yes, she does have more reason to be insecure- in their early days when they’d been seeing each other around 2 months he slept with someone else (someone he’d been seeing casually before meeting her) and she found out by reading his phone.

When he told me about that I assumed that would be the end and she’d walk away, because well why wouldn’t you after 2 months? But they worked things out but yes, I assume the reason she even knows we text each other is because she checks his phone.

I think he wants to cool it with you, maybe to avoid any mixed messaging, and he’s blaming her (sorry)

My exDH married someone like this. 🙄

I don't get why people are ever threatened by exes. If a couple with kids have split up, it's (99% of the time) thoroughly and completely over.

I'd be more worried about new people, not old!

Well she doesn't need to check his phone to know he texts you lol. He could be texting some other woman too maybe so his phone keeps beeping and she just assumes it's you...and that you are texting a bit much...?

I wouldn't let yourself get turned against her no matter what tbh.

You could test it - You could invite her and your ex over for a family dinner. If he says no, she doesn't want to,I'd bet my ass he was lying. Because most gfs would say yes to that, so that they could see for themselves first hand that you two are just mates and nothing is going on between you.

He's already a cheat so...I'm guessing he also likes his ego boosted by playing women off against one another. Don't play. Keep it cordial in future. He doesn't gave to be your friend. It already seems like he might not be.

Yes maybe Sparky888 Whether it’s that or something else, I guess I’ll just cool things off. It is just a shame though. And I will keep an eye on things escalating further. What if next she feels uncomfortable with us attending DD’s parents evening together and we need to make separate appointments...? And so on.

Actually, I agree with the exs dp! Having an amicable relationship with your ex doesn't mean you have to have the same relationship you had when you were together. Your DD will not be scarred for life if her parents don't send each other casual texts, I'm sure.
It could be that it's actually your ex that wants to stop this line of texting. I just think it's quite strange to be texting anything other than things to do with your DD. I get on perfectly well with my DDs father, but we don't communicate at all unless it's about her.

Hm I’m torn. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but you can still be friendly with both of them without texting each other about X new song on the radio/ a bit of gossip from mutual friends. I can see why discussing mutual friends from your long history together might make her a bit twitchy (insecure).

I’d probably roll my eyes a bit but just let it be (as you seem to be doing).

JoanieCash I know, I do wonder what her insecurity is- that we still have feelings for each other? If we wanted to be together we definitely still would be

Speaking from the other side of this equation, her insecurity is probably not that she thinks you’ll get back together, it’s that intimate familiarity you have and the bond you share due to your past and your child that is making her feel like an outsider.

He married you and had a child with you. The “saw this and thought of you” texts will appear to her as shorthand for that level of commitment the two of you shared that she doesn’t.

Give the woman a break. Your XH has clearly given her cause to worry about whether he’s fully committed to her. You don’t need to text him with song links and news stories.

TBH, my relationship with my XH has always been purely kid centred. I saw a news story I though he might be interested in and sent it to him recently, but only because he’s just moved and is a bit lonely so I wanted him to know people are thinking of him. If he had a DP I don’t think I would have done.

If I was her, I'd also be uncomfortable that you knew he'd cheated on me. He really shouldn't be sharing that stuff with you.

Mumsnet is very odd, I’ve read loads of posts from people in the new partners position saying they’re uncomfortable with an ex texting about things unrelated to a shared child.
I think it’s fair enough that she doesn’t like it; it’s hard enough to accept that someone’s ex will always remain part of the life (when they have a child), it’s not the norm for people who don’t have children and in all fairness it’s not necessary to text about things that aren’t about your child

If she starts objecting to parents evening or other things that impact your daughter then she is wrong and your ex needs to step in. At the moment though, she isn’t in that bonkers territory yet so I’d just respect what they’re saying.

Aderyn19 I really hope she doesn’t know I know about the cheating!!

What if next she feels uncomfortable with us attending DD’s parents evening together and we need to make separate appointments...? And so on

That’s totally different - it’s about the kids.

I’ll be honest here - my DP turned up to meet me with red lipstick on his cheek once from a school event with his ex, so I may be biased!

Fine, be civil/friendly for the DCs but have some fucking boundaries. If this is a boundary for her (and he’s ok with it too, or he wouldn’t have agreed to mention it to you) then respect it.

I think the fact that it bothers you this much means you want to maintain a friendship with him (not judging!) and it's that she is reacting to. Perhaps she and he would like to have a friendly parenting relationship with you, not a friendship.

Sorry I meant she or he or just he but he's trying to be polite and is just scapegoating her!

pick your battles, but this isnt it.

She is insecure, thats her problem. I do find it very sad she cant just be happy you co-parent well together!

She’s defo insecure. Perhaps they’ve been having problems or are trying and failing to get pregnant. Who knows. I’d respect his wishes and be on only about his daughter. But I’m a nosey bitch so first time I got him alone I’d be saying what was that all about, you two having probs...,

Your relationship is over, talking about just stuff relating to your dd is fine!

You are only co parents now, not partners, not friends that part of your life is over 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not sure why you want to be so pally with your ex. Wouldn’t you still be together if you got on so well? Just leave them to their thing and get on with enjoying your new life.

Longfacenow I wouldn’t say it bothers me, more of an eyebrow raise, but yes I’m not hiding the fact that I want to maintain a friendship with him, for lots of reasons including the fact that we have been friends for 13 years and the fact that we have a DD together. I suppose I don’t really see why anything has to change 🤷‍♀️ But as Upsiedasie says I’ll roll my eyes and let it go.

But I’m a nosey bitch so first time I got him alone I’d be saying what was that all about, you two having probs...,

Desperate hoping Elieza isn’t my DP’s ex! Seriously, any man discussing his current relationship issues with his ex needs to stop dating and cut the ties before he meets someone new. That’s all kinds of inappropriate.

SuperMeerkat We’d still be together if marriage was chatting about music you like and going to the cinema together, then going to bed in separate rooms and never touching each other. But that’s not marriage, that’s friendship.

I get what you mean. It is sad when things end. But maybe time to move on as he has suggested.