Exh’s dp doesn’t want me to text about anything other than DD

[Lollypalooza]

Background- ExH and I were together 10 years (married 4). We have a 5yo DD who we share care of. We separated just over 3 years ago, and although there were obviously difficult times and ups and downs, the split was amicable and was largely due to us having drifted apart as a couple, being more like friends who lived together (separate bedrooms).

We both now have new partners. ExH lives with his new partner. We are both much happier in our new relationships.

As I said, we are still friendly and will be in touch over arrangements for care of DD as well as other bits and pieces such as have you heard about X mutual friend who had a baby or have you heard the new song by X. I have absolutely no romantic feelings/attraction to him.

This week I sent him a link to a news story about Huntington’s disease, as he used to work with people with Huntington’s. He replied “Oh yes I saw this in the news. X is a bit uncomfortable with us texting about anything other than DD so might have to keep it businesslike from now on. Hope you understand”.

What do you think? I just replied “Ok”.

I suppose I don’t really see why anything has to change

maybe because it’s not all about you? 🤷‍♀️

Sorry but I think this is fair. It should have no impact on you having a friendly relationship in front of your daughter. I think it’s really inappropriate for the two of you to discuss his new relationship and infidelity, she may feel the same and just wants to put some safeguards in to stop it happening.

30to50FeralHogs Ok, this isn’t AIBU you know 😂 I just mean I thought things were going really well for all of us and don’t see why that had to change. But I am definitely of the “pick your battles” school of thought and this it not a battle I need/want to get into.

I think that’s entirely fair.

It sounds like your ex has realised the level of contact between you is inappropriate, possibly due to his new partner pointing out the bleeding obvious.

I think many women would be unhappy with their Oh being so pally with an ex. It’s unnecessary imo and has nothing to do with the ‘insecurity’ of the new partner.

Ok, this isn’t AIBU you know

. It’s a fair cop. I just really feel for the woman on the other side of this - my DP and his ex have literally no boundaries and it grinds my fucking gears. I may be projecting!

When you send him song links etc.... the message she receives, is you know him so well and that makes her uncomfortable and insecure.

Not saying it's right or wrong btw.

I can see her side too. Xh and I rarely talk/message about anything other than the dc but there's an incredibly deep bond between us from loving each other 18 years. We went through so much shit together, us vs. the world.

When we handover the dc and chat about them, we know we're sharing something only the two of us will ever feel.

I wouldn't like to be in a relationship with someone with that sort of bond tbh, and it's only polite to her that we keep it strictly about the dc. (she's never asked for this, I have no idea how she feels. Probably fine, as she never pressed him to get divorced).

It's unbelievably sad letting someone go, but I think it's the right thing so you can both move forward

Thank you SummerPavillion

Totally agree with @leghairdontcare just quit it with the texts - she’s probably fed up of his phone beeping during their time together in the evenings or whatever.
You can still be friendly/friends and chat face to face.
30 years ago, this wouldn’t have been an issue - texting seems to be a big issue on MN.
Respect that he’s asked you to stop texting, since he’s respecting his partner who is uncomfortable with it.
Texts are more secretive than out in the open face to face conversation.

Don’t text him anything say it when you meet him.

She's his new partner so she takes priority. She's not stopping you from Co parenting so I don't see what the issue is. You need to respect their boundaries.

How frequently were you texting? Is she definitely the one uncomfortable or is he blaming her as an easy way out?

@Aderyn19 are you the exh dp?

Op I dong agree with this. Even though your dd is only 5 she will realise you get on well and for dd that will be much better growing up.
When people have children and split up, it's much better they remain on friendly terms or even friends than hate each other. There wasn't a big falling out for you two so it's good you have remained friends.

Some people are just insecure and jealous!
My dh ex (no kids with the ex) is now god mum to both our kids!

Some people need to just grow up!

hardyloveit, such a boringly predictable question!
The OP asked for opinions so I gave mine. And I think irl, a lot of partners would feel uncomfortable, since the man is sharing information with the OP that she really shouldn't be privy to, such as his cheating.
I don't think the OP has done anything wrong, but I can see why the new do doesn't like it. The fault is with the ex though, not the OP.

Starstruck2020 I would say maybe around 2 non-related DD text conversations per week with a further 3-4 related to DD.

RE: me knowing about the cheating, as I said they’d only been together 2 months at that point and I don’t think he really had anyone else to talk to so offloaded a bit onto me (“I’m such a dick, I’ve messed things up” etc).

We broke up as we weren’t happy and my main motivator through everything was for us all- me, DD and ExH to all be happy. I am definitely very happy in my new relationship and I want him to be too, I don’t want to think of him being controlled or restricted, or his phone being monitored (his own fault due to the cheating) and so on. But yes, I totally get that it isn’t really any of my business any more. He’s dropping DD off at 8am, I won’t say anything, will just be friendly and to-the-point (DD related only!).

She’s being a twat. Your child doesn’t need to see a “formal business relationship” between her parents, for fucks sake.

I’ve known ExDP for 13 years. Together for 6.5 years. 2DC. Similar circs re the split. If my current DP told me to stop being friends with ExDP, I’d laugh then tell him to grow up, and if he couldn’t handle it then there’s the door, because my DC and how they see their parents interacting is far more important than my current DP.

As it happens, DP is struggling massively with his hostile ExW and wishes she would stop with the hysterics and theatrics.

Your ex doesn't need you to send him links to articles that are of interest to him. His new partner will do that . Time for you to move on and allow him to have a new life - if you have been raised as an issue and he has told you not to text then do as he says and communicate only about your child. As well as being irritated by you I imagine you are also being thought of as a sad case who didn't want her partner but doesn't want anyone to have him either .Grow up . Your special time with him is over .

I’m surprised so many people seem to think she’s being unreasonable. I’ve been separated 16 years since dd was 6 months old and dh (of 11 years) would definitely have raised eyebrows if ex sent me song links and general chit chat stuff. I think it’s weird. But what do I know...?! I do hate my ex though and would prefer never to hear from him ever again so maybe that’s clouding things!

Sorry OP, but if my husband had an ex wife,6 texts per week would probably get on my nerves a bit.

TheStuffedPenguin Don’t want anyone to have him?! Literally said in my last post that my main motivator in breaking up was for us all (him included) to be happy. I’m so happy for him to have found someone who can make him happy in a way we couldn’t for each other. I was the first one to get a new DP after the break up and I worried about ExH being on his own and wanted him to find someone. I definitely don’t want to be with him and I want him to have a happy and successful new relationship. Grow up? I thought we were behaving like grown ups by having a friendly and open relationship as opppsed to behaving like teenagers. Points taken on board though, and I’ve said I’ll do as they’ve requested.

I'd reply "oh ok, thats a shame as I thought we all were on friendly terms, but thats ok as I dont want anyone to feel insecure. I have zero interest in reigniting any relationship. Wish you both well"

I suspect he doesn't want to be friendly with you in that way so is using his new partner as an excuse. Some people are unable to say things straight without using another person as an excuse.

Regardless he's given you his boundaries so you should respect them. He isn't saying don't talk to me he saying stop sending me irrelevant messages.

If you cannot hack your DP being friendly with the other parent of their children, you need to give your head a massive wobble. Children need to see healthy post-split relationships, not a controlling jealous new partner forcing a formal, stiff, business relationship. Children are not a business transaction.

I speak to ExDP less now as our eldest child has her own phone so he calls her to talk to her and her sister, rather than my phone. But we still talk at least twice a week.

Parents evenings. School plays. School holiday dates (DC at different schools which have different holidays). Birthday and Christmas arrangements. Extra curricular activities. Invites to birthday parties that are on his weekend. School trips. School photos.

When eldest DC started wearing crop tops, then bras, when she started her period, whatever else may come up on future that she may want ME to tell her Dad about because she’s embarrassed. When DD2 was being bullied (that took several visits to school by both of us for that to be resolved), as well as us discussing how to limit the damage being done to DD2 whilst school dealt with it. When ExDPs Grandma died and we had to tell our DC (first death for both of them).

There are many emotional things as DC grow up that cannot be well managed by a business relationship.

You are only co parents now, not partners, not friends

Why wouldn’t they be friends?

My ex-H is one of my closest friends. He feels exactly the same - if his partner had an issue with that, she wouldn’t be his partner.

It’s immensely childish OP, but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do. I would roll my eyes and move on.

I think you are overstepping the boundaries to honest. It’s great that you are amicable and co parent well. It’s great that there is no animosity. It’s great you can still be friendly. But sharing personal so texts and infidelities etc is not pushing that- it’s like you’re still together and you’ve not moved on. You can still be friendly and good parents while taking a step out of their relationship