How do you cope with a partner with very different political views??

[ToeNailSoup]

I've NC.

Me and DP have broadly the same outlook on life and we're really happy together.

But, we have some fundamentally different political views. For example:

He's voting Tory in the GE. I won't be voting Tory.

He's said he'd have voted Trump if we lived in the US. I physically couldn't bring myself to do it.

He's in favour of a three-strikes and the death penalty approach to justice. I'm not necessarily against this in principle but I think such ideas rest on an assumption of equality of opportunity etc.

He has issues with 'scumbags' who don't work and rely on benefits. I have issues with complete cockwomble cunt billionaires who don't work and get rich off the labour of the working classes and pay no tax. These people don't bother him particularly as they don't affect his everyday life (apparently).

Anyway, I don't want to debate the rights/wrongs of each of our perspectives. My question is how do you deal with this? We try not talking politics but it's unavoidable. Or we talk politics then get annoyed at each other. Or we talk politics then agree to disagree and both end up frustrated.

If you're in this kind of relationship, tell me how you cope!!!

These are just examples... we differ on lots of other things too.

But we also have a lot of shared political perspectives, I should say!!

I think it's always best to just learn to respect other people's views. They are entitled to their opinions you are entitled to yours.
I'm lucky me and my husband are very similar in views. But I have other family members that are completely different and post things which I dont agree with but I just accept we are all different.

I just would never get together with someone with extreme and heartless views like that.

Saying he'd vote for a man who likes to grab women by the pussy would prevent him from any further access to my pussy

My ex had some political views opposite to me and it caused problems/arguments at times as he was not the type to agree to disagree.

Thankfully my new chap is very much on the same level as I am politically.

I wouldn't even date someone like that. Couldn't

Broadly the same outlook on life? Shared perspective? No you don't! Any single one of those attitudes would have ended the relationship for me before it began.

I couldn't be with someone like that as I would have no respect for them and I couldn't date someone I don't respect.

Broadly the same outlook on life?

What I mean is we both want the same things from life, we both enjoy the same 'type' of life, we both enjoy the same kinds of things we do together. Maybe I didn't phrase it properly.

I think it's always best to just learn to respect other people's views. They are entitled to their opinions you are entitled to yours.

This^^. DH and I don't differ as much as the examples you've given, but we do disagree on certain issues. I listen to his reasoning and he listens to mine - and then we either agree to disagree or perhaps one of us recognises the validity of the arguments and changes our view (has happened on a couple of issues).

Sound reasoning backed up by solid evidence is the best way to change people's minds, I can't stand it when one side demonises the other - how on earth can you change people's minds by doing that?

@AmICrazyorWhat2 That's absolutely what we try to do but it's so bloody hard.

Plus, sound reasoning backed up by evidence is difficult if we disagree on the quality and provenance of the evidence - we are both academics so critically evaluating evidence is our day-job! Aaaah!

i couldnt - but not everyones a political person are they? for me, everything is political.
dh and i used to disagree a lot, but our mutual hatred and incredulity about trump and brexit means we're much more on the same page. which is far nicer.

Well at least you try, unlike some of the people on this thread!

My American DH and I fundamentally disagree on gun control - I want a similar policy to the UK, he believes in the right to bear arms. But I don't write him off as an idiot because of it, I understand his reasoning...but I'm changing my mind!

I HAVE changed his view of nationalised healthcare, though.

He didn't vote for Trump, btw, before anyone start slinging mud.

*I'm NOT changing my mind on gun control is what I meant to say.

It is inevitable to have mismatched political views. Nobody is ever identical.

Nevertheless on this one I do think though that the differences are really quite fundamental aspects of your respective value systems.

Have you yet been through any major traumatic life events together where those values would matter?

I’m an ex-Labour activist, from back in the day when we had credible policies and an electable leader. My background is very working class : I grew up on a council estate in an ex-mining town in Derbyshire.

DP votes Tory. He is from a very middle class, rural farming / horsey background. He went to private school, and I was probably the first person he ever met who didn’t vote Tory. We both voted Remain.

We respect one another’s views, agree on some things and agree to differ on others, because this is how mature, intellectually self-confident adults behave.

This is more than a mere difference of opinion, the two of you seem to be at opposite ver extreme ends of the spectrum.

Perhaps I need to focus on common ground that we share and not let that stray too far. For example, we both absolutely hate the monarchy but, for me, that's also tied into a discussion about wealthy people which we have differing views on.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 Perhaps yours and my DP can get together to talk guns. My DP is pretty pro-guns. Ugh.

Trump is a rapist who hates women. He's a scumbag. He should be behind bars yet your partner has a problem with the disabled, poor and vulnerable who rely on benefits. He sounds like a catch OP.

Have you yet been through any major traumatic life events together where those values would matter?

No, not traumatic life events. I mean we've had lots of job changes, moved house several times, currently renovating a fucking money pit house but nothing traumatic. TBH I'm not sure that our differing political views would get in the way if we both needed to support one another during something like this.

I think it's always best to just learn to respect other people's views

But what if those views are disrespectful to other people?

I’d struggle to respect the view of someone who calls people on benefits scumbags but who is happy to turn a blind eye to (the real problem of) tax avoiding millionaires and billionaires.

Fair enough to vote Tory, I’m sure their must be some good reasons to do that (struggling to think of any). But having views about society like your husband does would be a real challenge.

As for supporting Trump, that just makes me think he must be a goady sexist idiot. Where does your shared outlook on life fit in with that?

Re. the Trump thing.... because there are only two options in the USA, my DP's perspective is that Trump was the lesser of two evils. So, he wasn't like 'yay Trump' from the outset but when it became apparent that the options were Trump or Hillyhilly then he'd have gone with Trump.

I hope that makes sense.

Hillyhilly??!?! How the fuck did that happen... I meant Hilary

If your partner hates women, he's not going to support one for president is he? He's got to hate women to support a rapist.

I come across this in my diplomacy work, and also have a DH who is (and certainly was) towards the other end of the political spectrum.

• Some things you need to park, but only after working through some of the steps below.
• For most things, you have got to put yourself in their shoes, with their emotional, cultural etc baggage, and understand how they've got to the position they are in. If you can understand that, it takes some of the black and white emotion away. It also helps you find middle ground.
• What is the simplest, most basic thing on that issue that you can both agree on? Work up from that. You may be stuck at the that stage for years, or things may slowly change.
• Write\debate the argument from their point of view, and if they're willing, get them to do the same from your pov.
• Recognise that beneath much hatred is fear, fear for himself, his family's safety/welfare etc, and also often (and especially in men) fear of losing respect.
• Open your DH's eyes to other experiences. Gentle exposure to things outside his usual life, not forced (people tend to react badly), just gentle exposure, helps people to understand the viewpoints of others. Films, books, travel, meeting people different to them all help. Sometimes a certain view is instilled by someone's upbringing and they haven't really questioned the fundamentals until attacked, at which point they double their resistance.
• Don't paint him as a villain.
• Some people can't be argued with logically, their brains just don't work like that. For people like that you're better off with slow and gentle exposure instead and hopefully they'll get their at their own pace.

As an example, DH had a very privileged upbringing, Conservative, Catholic, homophobic (thought it was morally wrong, and didn't support LGBT rights, but wouldn't go round beating people up, IYSWIM). We have mostly parked our religious differences, after negotiating a compromise re: the children and whilst I disagree with many of his religious views, I appreciate the value it holds for many and would not want him to lose his religion given that it provides comfort to him. I have come to realise that the social conservatism I see in him is due to a real fear of losing a way of life. He now supports his gay friends (who were previously closeted, to him at least!) and has slowly come to realise that the grounds he had for being anti gay marriage (civil ceremony not religious) are illogical, and he is now often one of the first to say to our DC "when you grow up and marry a boy, or a girl"...

It can be done but it's really hard, and yes, it sometimes would just be easier to be with someone with the same views as me. On the other hand, other people's viewpoints do give you another way of looking at issues, and another way to solve problems.