How do you cope with a partner with very different political views??

[ToeNailSoup]

I've NC.

Me and DP have broadly the same outlook on life and we're really happy together.

But, we have some fundamentally different political views. For example:

He's voting Tory in the GE. I won't be voting Tory.

He's said he'd have voted Trump if we lived in the US. I physically couldn't bring myself to do it.

He's in favour of a three-strikes and the death penalty approach to justice. I'm not necessarily against this in principle but I think such ideas rest on an assumption of equality of opportunity etc.

He has issues with 'scumbags' who don't work and rely on benefits. I have issues with complete cockwomble cunt billionaires who don't work and get rich off the labour of the working classes and pay no tax. These people don't bother him particularly as they don't affect his everyday life (apparently).

Anyway, I don't want to debate the rights/wrongs of each of our perspectives. My question is how do you deal with this? We try not talking politics but it's unavoidable. Or we talk politics then get annoyed at each other. Or we talk politics then agree to disagree and both end up frustrated.

If you're in this kind of relationship, tell me how you cope!!!

I understand your POV. My husband is not what I would call particularly liberally minded and has some strange, deepset ideas on a few things...

But I love him so where it really matters (like his inability to recycle properly) I tell him it's a deal breaker. But we've been together a lonnnggg time and I have picked my battles carefully over the years.

Also, now living in a Tory hotspot surrounded by people with strong opinions on things that I don't agree with, I have learnt to work on how I come across and be less dismissive, try and listen more. I don't assume I am right all the time anymore! Only most of the time

I hope you don’t have any daughters with this man op. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to be raised by a man that sides with a rapist over a women running the country. Or having a mother that endorses that by never standing up to it. Grim.

There’s having difference of opinion and just being a bad person you know.

I see you are academics... yikes.

As an example, this is how I might start discussing this issue:
yet your partner has a problem with the disabled, poor and vulnerable who rely on benefits. He sounds like a catch OP.

• Firstly he hasn't said he has a problem with the disabled, poor and vulnerable. He has said he has a problem with benefits scroungers. Don't, as a PP has done, exaggerate what he has said. This is a logical fallacy, and though it might help you win the battle and inflict damage, it won't help you win the war, it will just cause resentment and doubling down.
• Assume that as a decent guy, he wouldn't want really vulnerable people to suffer. Establish what groups he believes should receive benefits.
• Take each group in turn. If he thinks disabled people shouldn't then look for examples of people (possibly those you know, or statistics if that will work better) who have ended up disabled, through no fault of their own, who had well paying jobs etc, and lost everything. You may well be able to agree on a broad range of people who should get benefits.
• Identify his real issue - the scroungers. I think most people will agree that people shouldn't claim benefits they don't deserve, and some people take the piss and do this to a criminal level.
• Why doesn't he want benefit scroungers? Impact on taxes etc? All laudable and understandable reasons.
• Work together to design, back of the envelope, a system which prevents benefit scroungers, but allow truly vulnerable people to get the help they deserve.
• Identify the real problem - is it the systems which don't prevent 'scrounging?' or those who scrounge? Once you've mutually established that some people deserve benefits, then discuss whether their need for benefits is fairly outweighed by the need to clam down on scroungers...
• Ultimately, even if you can't agree, you have hopefully massively narrowed down the real point of contention between you, to a piece of common ground from which you can build up a possible idea solution. This takes the demonising out of it. Your DH is no longer a bastard who hates disabled people, he's someone who wants to see efficient use of taxes so that those taxes can be used for the most vulnerable.

thebestschools.org/magazine/15-logical-fallacies-know/

Honestly I couldn't be with someone who could vote Tory. I think that says a lot about their values and they definitely differ from mine, that would be a game changer

Never kiss a Tory

My grandma taught me that. It has always served me well.

I was raised with the same saying @MrsMaiselsMuff !

Sorry but I couldn't be with a Tory as their views and (lack of) morals go against nearly everything I stand for so it just wouldn't work. Me and Dp disagree on a lot in life, but when it comes to things that matter to us (politics, raising children, money) then we agree and I need that in a partner to be able to see a future with them.

I'm from a very working class, labour background and tbh any Tory's I have known have been cut out of our social circle

I vote Tory. My husband votes SNP.......we rub along just fine!

I should say my DP absolutely isn't a bastard at all

Over the years I've made a jolly good feminist ally out of him. He caused a big stink very high up at our university last year when he refused to participate in something because no women were involved. He didn't do it for woke-bro points at all. It was a private matter between a few people which got out of hand.

He's conscious of his, and others, behaviours in terms of sex equality and takes really positive steps. He works in hardcore sciences where this kind of behaviour isn't usual. I think, though, because of his male privilege he doesn't make the connections between these everyday things and everyday sexism and wider structures of politics and power like who the US president is. What I mean is that I don't think he connects Trump being in the White House to the amount of times women get interrupted during work meetings. If that makes sense...

@EUnamechange Those are some really good ideas, thanks. I am exposing him to alternative views of stuff. I'm in the media occasionally talking about stuff from a liberal perspective and he obviously listens/watches that and agrees with my points!

The thing is, we don't necessarily have opposing views, I guess I'm just much more focused on wider structures than he is. So, for example, I hate the idea of people rinsing the benefit system too. We agree on that. But my take is that the benefit system is under strain because rich people don't pay enough tax and we should be taking issue with the 'top' rather than with the 'bottom'. Let's get all the rich people/corporations to pay tax properly etc. then let's have a look at whether/how people are taking the piss out of the benefits system. But his view is more individualistic that there are individual people taking the piss, they have to be stopped.

I didn't want to get into the rights/wrongs of our different perspectives but I feel like I have to defend him (a bit)

I wouldn’t be with a partner with extremely different political views. It just wouldn’t happen. Fundamental values are absolutely critical in a relationship and I couldn’t see a relationship working with someone with vastly different values.

My stepdad is very conservative and close minded (voted for Trump, they live in the US). My mum used to be quite liberal. She just refused to discuss politics with him for many years. Now she is increasingly bordering on racist and close minded too, so I guess it’s less of an issue now.

I am far more liberal than my DH and we oppose strongly on Brexit too.

TBH when we got together 20 odd years ago, I don’t think we really spoke politics much, certainly Brexit wasn’t a thing!

I don’t think either of us does actually respect each other’s viewpoint, I do think, on the whole, he is wrong. I do make an effort to acknowledge any snippets where I think he is right.

We rarely talk about such subjects, if we do, we just agree to disagree.

The most key thing is we do not watch comedy news shows on TV together - he gets really irritated by my amusement at the left leaning style.

So many posters have jumped straight to words like racist and sexist

We dont actually know the ops true views or her husbands.
I think this is one of the biggest issues as soon as someone says conservative or trump people just jump to certain points.
Same with labour people jump to anti semitism. Each person is an individual with their own views and thoughts.

There is a new book out which you might want to read called "How to Have Difficult Conversations". It's premise is how to have civil discussions with others who hold very different views to you (whether family, friends, strangers, others) in a civilised manner without falling out.

I would never get serious with someone like that. Political views tell you an awful lot about a person and their morals.

@Kko1986 I couldn't agree more. We really do as a society need to remember that people are individuals with nuanced viewpoints

Lord... I hate all this "I wouldnt be married to mine if he was a Tory" bollocks...... Because nobody ever got together with someone when they were 18 and it was all about clubbing and getting pissed with your mates .

Fact is people change, and its highly likely when you were younger your or our partner werent as politically minded as you are now. Thats how people end up with someone who differs to a certain degree, to them....

I for one am not one to surround myself with an echo chamber. Who wants to just have their own views and beliefs bounced staright back at them? How are you ever going to grow and develop understanding if you dont account for the fact that "other people have different life experiences and so hold different beliefs". Thats the point in a democracy.

Before anyone says I must be a Tory - I am a life long Labour supporter. When I met DH I dotn think we talked about politics for at least 5 years- too busy shagging, getting pissed and having a laugh!

Oh good god he'd never get past the second date!

I also don't understand how you could marry someone with such differing views.

Hmmm actually having just read Delphic's post I do think she makes a good point. When dh and I got together aged 21, we never discussed politics. It just so happens that we have the same views. Had he turned out to have opposing views when we got interested in politics a few years later, I suppose I would have been pretty far in by then and not sure if I would have ended the relationship for that.

How long have you been together op? It doesn't sound very long tbh and I don't have high hopes of it lasting very long. Sounds like you are fundamentally different people and despite what you say just don't have compatible beliefs, this will come to grate in the years to come and in difficult times unless you move closer. It must already trouble you otherwise you wouldn't have started a thread about it.

Sorry OP I should have put bastard in " ". I meant he was being tagged as a bastard, when he wasn't.

This is a really interesting article on language and techniques for finding a middle ground and having constructive conversations:

www.politico.com/magazine/story/2019/10/13/america-cultural-divide-red-state-blue-state-228111

I am so saddened by the posts rejecting enormous groups of individuals as being impossible to marry/evil etc. I work in a diplomacy, all over the world, and I've worked on some complex issues. To quote Jo Cox, "We are far more united and have far more in common with each other than things that divide us", and when we look for those common elements, but also celebrate the new perspectives that the differences bring, we will be able to make progress towards society that works for us all.

It depends what your deal breakers are I suppose.

Personally for me I agree with a previous poster: Saying he'd vote for a man who likes to grab women by the pussy would prevent him from any further access to my pussy

Feminist ally? If he doesn't connect Trump being in power with women being interrupted at work then that's one thing but how does he explain Trump making consistently sexist remarks including the above, taking the piss out of someone disabled.

If you two had a daughter and Trump made anything remotely like the pussy comment directly about her to his friends I'm sure he would feel extremely differently about it.

Like I say, it's your relationship and your deal breakers but I would find someone with many of those views deeply unattractive to the point I couldn't see them as my lifelong partner and team mate.

You clearly don't feel that way though and it's your prerogative to decide what values are most important to you.

I'm starting to feel like a marriage counsellor, but I have noted that in your original OP the language you report both you and your DH using is quite emotive; for the sake of your marriage, I'd suggest that you tone that down in discussions. It doesn't help anyone to have sane, logical discussion.

Re: Trump. I don't think it's fair to write someone off as a hater of women because they vote Trump. You need to break it down. Why would he vote Trump? Why wouldn't he vote for Hillary. Which specific policies etc.. lead him to this decision. Often people have very different reasons from what you might expect, and they've run similar pros and cons balances, but may have weighted them slightly differently and come out with a different result. If you can discuss the individual pros and cons, and the weightings given, and make small changes there, you might influence the overall result.

Oh, and treat such discussions not as an argument or a war, but a voyage of discovery.

I'll shut up now.

I am in the camp of someone who got together with my DH aged 21 and before I knew the first thing about politics - I couldn’t have cared less at that age! We’d probably been together 8 or 9 years before I got interested in politics.

We try not to fight about it but it’s very hard not to take it personally.

Usually involves an eye roll and a brief discussion where I just accept that we have differing views, not that he tries to push his views on me but we definitely hold different ones for many political things.
Truth be told I don’t hold strong enough political views, nor really understand politics well enough for it to be a problem, I am often a fence sitter for many issues and as we share many other interests it makes up for this conflict of views politically.