How do you cope with a partner with very different political views??

[ToeNailSoup]

I've NC.

Me and DP have broadly the same outlook on life and we're really happy together.

But, we have some fundamentally different political views. For example:

He's voting Tory in the GE. I won't be voting Tory.

He's said he'd have voted Trump if we lived in the US. I physically couldn't bring myself to do it.

He's in favour of a three-strikes and the death penalty approach to justice. I'm not necessarily against this in principle but I think such ideas rest on an assumption of equality of opportunity etc.

He has issues with 'scumbags' who don't work and rely on benefits. I have issues with complete cockwomble cunt billionaires who don't work and get rich off the labour of the working classes and pay no tax. These people don't bother him particularly as they don't affect his everyday life (apparently).

Anyway, I don't want to debate the rights/wrongs of each of our perspectives. My question is how do you deal with this? We try not talking politics but it's unavoidable. Or we talk politics then get annoyed at each other. Or we talk politics then agree to disagree and both end up frustrated.

If you're in this kind of relationship, tell me how you cope!!!

Biggest issue in our house is Scottish Independence. DH is for and I am against. It was quite tricky in 2014 and we had some tetchy conversations but he is actually more in favour now and has been trying to persuade me to change my mind which I won’t. Normally he is quite easy going but this issue is definitely causing some issues .

I think it's always best to just learn to respect other people's views.

I do agree with this but for the person I share a life and home with, I don't think it would work if we had very different views. It's not just a case of avoiding talking about politics either as it tends to filter down to every day life such as the benefit example you have given or immigration etc.

When it's just another family member or acquaintance I can just not get involved but it must be really difficult to live with someone who's views are so different. I think political views are very much tied up with who someone is as a person.

I’d cope by divorcing him. Seriously, I couldn’t be with somebody who thought like that!

OP me and partner are both very interested in politics and hold 50% of the same views with opposite views and some key issues. However as above we discuss and get to the point were we really define were we see things differently, listen and then agree to disagree. Like PP my DP wasn't as interested in politics until a few years ago so when I met him I couldn't have known were he stood on many issues. What I find is once I really listen I can understand were his views come from, as an example his best friends son was stabbed and tragically died many years ago before I met him so he has very strong views on knife crime and the justice system. Everyone's experiences shape their views, and sometimes we need to actively listen to understand them.

I couldn't have a relationship with someone who had vastly different political opinions because their values would be vastly different.

Whilst I believe that everyone has a right to their opinion, not all opinions are equal.

Politics exists to work towards universal values. We argue and debate to find the truth. It has no other purpose! This is why some theorists have suggested that communism is the end of politics. Others have suggested it is contingent upon direct democracy, what is certain is that the politics of left/right have no further use because society would be based upon certain universal values that would need to be accepted as absolute truths.

If we simply accept all opinions as equally valid, we reduce all arguments to that of relativity, therefore there can be no wrong or right. That breaks the link between ethics/values and politics.

The problem today is that people are so easily offended by everything. We try to teach tolerance towards others and yet that only applies to certain issues. For instance, we learn tolerance towards people with different religious beliefs, but people with alternative political beliefs are fair game.
How about, instance of you and your husband trying to get one another to see things their way, simply accept the different view. Neither of you are right or better btw...Trump is very bad in some ways and yet like it or not, he’s actually doing a pretty good job as president of the USA. Excluding LA and NY, he’s actually turning out to be a very popular president. You and I may not like him, but I’ll accept that other people do and those people (the American voters) I guess are the only ones who matter.

So, you can either let these differences get to you, or treat it as you would any other group where tolerance is needed. Saying, “I accept your view”, should be enough to end any prolonged debate.

All the best

I absolutely couldn't cope. It's very important to me and would be a deal breaker. I get that isn't the case for many other people, and that's fine- they probably have things that would matter as much to them which I wouldn't be bothered about. I'm not offended by people having vastly different political views but I couldn't build my life and family with someone whose politics were hugely different to mine. It just wouldn't work.

Is is the constant lying and current impeachment inquiry that leads you to claim Trump is doing a "pretty good job", @DBML, or is it the thousands of migrant children his administration separated from their families and imprisoned?

I'm in the US living under Trump and tbh voting for Trump would be an utter end of relationship for me. No he isn't doing a pretty good job as president and no he isn't liked outside of LA and NY. He is being impeached at the moment and his approval ratings have never been high. Speaking as an american, he is about the most useless - and venal - president we have had in a long long time.

OP, you actually don't have similar views of life. It is just that his views of life (which sound standard Tory 21st century man - professional women ok, poor still their own fault) don't actually impinge on your lives together so you can get by. You can both waffle on about the end of the monarchy and be happy with that. That he thinks poor people are the authors of their own misfortune doesn't trouble you because poor people aren't in your life - it isn't like he has to face a mother in law on disability or whatever. It is all theoretical to you. unfortunately it isn't theoretical to others.

I presume you don't have children - because if you do it will really hit home when he is imparting different values to you.

I picked my husband because I fell for him, I loved him, he made me laugh, he was kind, and he had the same values as I did. Values includes how you treat the poor, the sick, the unfortunate. The values thing was a deal breaker. it isn't for you though.

He's in favour of a three-strikes and the death penalty approach to justice.

Three strikes of what? shop lifting? cannabis possession? Assault??(you happy with a 21 year old who had 3 convictions for assault being put to death????) Has he actually read anything about the death penalty in the US? Or about the 3 strikes you are out laws?

he sounds like a not very bright not very well read tory. And you sound like someone who thinks "but I love him" without actually thinking what is this person I love actually like.

Political views tell you an awful lot about a person and their morals.

This is so true - for both sides of the political spectrum.

I have some different opinions to DP - I’m much more left leaning, and a staunch atheist - but we share similar values. I wouldn’t want to be with someone whose values were very much opposed to mine, and I imagine most Tories and certainly all Trump enthusiasts would fall into that category. If he supports the appalling Tory government we currently have, then I have to question his sanity as well as his morals.

@CoupeCourte

The economy in the US is doing very well. Obama starting taking children away from families and deported more people in his presidency than any other president. He also dropped a record amount of drones over the Middle East, so every president has their flaws. For many Americans, Trump is doing a good job. You just don’t like that fact.

Anyway, this thread isn’t about Trump, so I’ll stop there.

We’re a bit like this in my house, and we do regularly talk about politics. I’m the right wing git (libertarian), DH a leftie socialist.

It works because we can both see a value we admire between the other’s politics, even if we disagree with the politics themselves. While hearing him talk about forced nationalisation and taxes sometimes fills me with dismay and frustration, I understand he has these beliefs as he feels they are the best way to show compassion and generosity, and I can respect this. Likewise, he knows my views are based on a lot of thinking about ethics and aren’t knee-jerk meanness or desire for anyone to die destitute. They’re beliefs at the end of the day; it’s almost impossible to prove that either one is superior. You could have endless arguments about real world applications of whatever ideology but that’s not the point of the thread.

I guess it comes down to, do you understand why he has the political beliefs he does, and can you respect that, or does it reveal a person you don’t admire? Personally I could be with someone I disagreed with but not someone I didn’t admire.

Why would your political views aline? Are all of your friends and family perfectly aligned with your views? I doubt it but I imagine where differences occur you all may aim to either enjoy the debate or respect the differences in opinion.

There is a trend for band-wagoning of if you vote for conservative you are inherently evil. Politics is not so simplistic,. I can tell you as someone who is very involved and interested I politics there are today parts of each party I agree with. If you delve into actual policies and wider sections of each manifesto of your husband and yourself I am sure you will find some areas of agreement.

MN always have those who would never speak to XY due to Z differences. Don't fall for that enjoy your differences.

How long have you been together op? It doesn't sound very long tbh and I don't have high hopes of it lasting very long. Sounds like you are fundamentally different people and despite what you say just don't have compatible beliefs, this will come to grate in the years to come and in difficult times unless you move closer. It must already trouble you otherwise you wouldn't have started a thread about it

We've been together 15 years since we were in our early 20s. As PPs have said, we didn't talk much politics when we were younger though I'd say we were both right-leaning at first. As time's gone on, I'd say he's stayed where he is although a bit more individualistic as we've accumulated wealth while I've drifted more left.

'Accumulated wealth' sounds wanky. I mean, we've got good jobs, savings, a house paid off, doing up a house. Sorry, didn't mean to sound like a tosser.

Broadly the same outlook on life? What I mean is we both want the same things from life, we both enjoy the same 'type' of life, we both enjoy the same kinds of things we do together. Maybe I didn't phrase it properly.

So you want the same stuff and like doing the same things as each other.
All the shallow stuff?

I can get on with many people on a superficial level but anyone with your DH's 'values' would get stuck at acquaintance or colleague.

They wouldn't become a friend let alone a DH.

So you want the same stuff and like doing the same things as each other.
All the shallow stuff?

No I don't mean shallow stuff - not sure what you mean by that. I mean it's not like one of us is an adrenaline junkie who wants to be off skydiving every weekend while the other one just wants a book and brew. Or like one of us wants several luxury holidays a year while the other one wants to stay home and potter in the garden.

We have the same views about how we want our life to play out in terms of where we want to live, what kind of house we want to live in, what we want our family to look like, where we want to invest our money, when we want to retire etc.

My best friend and I have totally opposing policital views - she is Labour and a Remainer - I am Conservative and a Leaver. We just never discuss politics because I think we both know we would have a terrible argument and our friendship is worth more than politics!

We have the same views about how we want our life to play out in terms of where we want to live, what kind of house we want to live in, what we want our family to look like, where we want to invest our money, when we want to retire etc.

In tune practically then. Day to day.

You sound like you get on well which is good.

It sounds like you have a comfortable life. The views you say he holds are very 'I'm alright Jack'

Maybe all he needs is an injection of humility or to step outside of his comfortable bubble more often and put himself in the shoes of others ?

Values includes how you treat the poor, the sick, the unfortunate.
@pallisers

I agree, but people take different approaches on how to do this.

I'd describe my DH as a libertarian, but I was genuinely taken aback several years ago when I discovered how much money he gives to charity - not for tax write-off purposes and not because he's so wealthy that he can afford it (he's comfortable, not rich) - but because he believes that as he has enough to live on, he should help people who haven't.

I was actually slightly annoyed because I said we could be saving that money (!) but he feels it's the right thing to do. He gives to local homeless charities, food banks, energy assistance, etc.

As a PP said, people's belief systems are nuanced, most aren't rabid, right-wing conservatives or socialist lefties, they're a blend of different beliefs!

I'm no help OP as I really don't understand how you could be with someone with such different ideas (whatever those ideas). I met someone recently who had wildly differing political views to their partner. One of them was very politically active (one step from an MP active) and my mind was boggled. They clearly adored each other but disagreed so fundamentally that I could not understand how it could not come between them.

My FIL was a Labour voter and his vote used to get 'cancelled out' by MIL voting Conservative. They never fell out about it and were the most tremendously devoted couple.

I, however, don't think I could be married to someone who held essentially the opposite political views to me if they were to be spouting off about them all the time. I could have quiet debates but I tend to think that politics impacts on many aspects of life so would prefer to have a similar view to my life partner.

I think marriages are always going to be a struggle if you have very strong opposite views on politics, religion or philosophy.

My best friend and I have totally opposing policital views - she is Labour and a Remainer - I am Conservative and a Leaver. We just never discuss politics

And this is fine. With a friend, or a colleague, or an acquaintance. But with someone who is your life partner, who you are going to share children with. Who you are going on life's journey with, I think you need to share the same fundamental beliefs at your core.

All the other stuff - the house, the 'where you want to be' etc., - that's surface stuff.

I could not share my life with someone who doesn't share the same values.