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Original poster

Should my DP accompany his ex and child...

190 replies

CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:02

I don't know what is 'ettiquette' really - DP has a ten year old child and when she's in school concerts (for example), DP goes along and sits with his ex to watch, then they go out for tea, stuff like that.

The thing is, my DP lives about 350 miles away from his daughter and his ex and so visiting is limited to maybe once a month, when he spends a couple of days with them (he doesn't stay in the house with them). So I can accept that it is hard for them all, but should I get so stressed that they still behave like a family?

OP posts:
Pan · 21/08/2007 17:18

So dd will be really confused!!

Nah, you don't turn up. IMO, you give dp some sort of 'demand' that he talks to dd about you. At her g/parents will be perfect when she is surrounded by people who love her.

and in 5 years time or whenever, when dd discovers that her father has been deceitful to her about something so crucial. What imprssion of adult relationships will take from that revalation??

Dp is being a selfish arse. Sorry.

Speccy · 21/08/2007 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 17:30

His ex has not had a relationship since him. Or indeed before him. I think DP was last chance saloon for a baby, if you see what I mean. And the distance thing... well it's a very long story, but that's where they moved to in order to please his ex, and he moved back to his roots when he left her. Which is another reason I lose my rag.. did he ever think, even in his wildest dreams that he could fall in love with this woman (or even fall in like) just for the sake of a child? No? Well why move all that way away then?

OP posts:
Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 17:32

Speccy, just to add... I've known DP (and his ex) for over 10 years, I knew his gf previous to his ex, and know the whole background of the sorry tale of his ex and why the baby was a mistake. I was in their circle of friends, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 21/08/2007 17:44

If your dp won't go for counselling, I think you should get yourself to a large bookstore immediately and/or spend some time researching on Amazon. There are many, many books that offer advice/practical strategies from child psychologists (and other professionals) about how to deal with divorce/separation when a child is involved, about if/when/how to introduce a new partner, about how to manage the family dynamic when a new partner is introduced etc.

If you are unsuccessful in speaking to him/convincing him (and he bats you down with various arguments), and he won't go to counselling, maybe he will listen to what professionals advise in book form. If he is unwilling to even consider reading a few books, then it will become completely clear that you must either accept the situation, or decide it's unacceptable and consider ending the relationship.

As others have said, what is best for his dd should be paramount in his mind. Once his dd's needs are properly addressed, you can then sort out your own feelings about him/the relationship.

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 17:50

God, he'd never go for counselling. You see, he thinks he's doing alright. He thinks it's me who's at fault. Why on earth would he go to counselling, or even read a book, he thinks I should see a doctor because I'm depressed.

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 18:00

I totally agree earlybird. Good idea on the books thing. My man never read a self-help manual even though I would leave it bookmarked on his pillow at night - but we can't tar them all with the same brush.

But there's so much more to this than just a tale of badly handled separation. The fact that he belittles you (calls you an idiot) because you confront him on the issue. The fact that he wants you to consult him on how you do your work. The fact that he wants you to work for him. The fact that he actively wants to cause a rift between ex and her own daughter. The fact that his behaviour to you is good on all other fronts except this subject (he can behave himself - but only when he thinks it's going to work to his advantage).

This is a sign of an abusive controlling manipulative man. Make him prove himself otherwise.

Sorry to be so cynical. One more question, if you have known the couple, and his other ex, you will be able to talk to her directly won't you?

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 18:07

"if you have known the couple, and his other ex, you will be able to talk to her directly won't you? "....

At the beginning, she'd have stuck a knife in me, even though they had parted company and I had nothing to do with it. I can understand that, she'd be miffed to say the least that he'd started a new relationship. After all, he was the man SHE wanted, which was the whole reasoning behind the pregnancy.

3 years down the line, DP insists that she doesn't give a flying fart about me, but I beg to differ, as each time I suggest ringing her or emailing her or writing to her, he says she will just cut me off and make things very awkward for him, and probably poison his dd against him.

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 18:13

You said HE said she would respond like that. This is why I think you should speak to her directly.

Anyway, I must go, but, before I do - please tell me what action you're going to take??? This one's really bugging me.

Sorry if that sounds really selfish!

MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 18:15

Don't let him send you to the doctors for anti-depressants. It's not you.

Pan · 21/08/2007 18:17

Think I'd be really depressed, if he is treating everyone so poorly.

MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 18:21

Yep Pan, I'm really starting to think we're all going back to the 50s Valium Stepford Wives thing - except this time it's Prozac. Men seem to want wifey to be "fixed" if wifey doesn't say what they want.

Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 18:54

Yes this thread is a really difficult one to leave..its so awful to think of someone so up themselves that they don't care about the feelings of the partner they are supposed to love and sahre their lives with

MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 19:23

It's the separating the mother from her daughter to make him look good that gets me.

LittleBellatrixLeBoot · 21/08/2007 19:42

I agree with everyone who says your major problem here isn't the accompanying ex, it's the way your DP treats you.

He's not your partner; a partnership is a relationship of equals, and he's not treating you as an equal.

You deserve much much better than this.

aloha · 21/08/2007 19:46

Oh dear CR, he is being so horrible to you. I'm really sorry. YOu deserve better. My dh introduced me to his daughter (then six) really soon. His ex DID go ballistic, but she's now 15 and though his ex still refuses to speak to me I really love my dsd and I hope she loves me. I wouldn't have missed having her in my life for the world. But dh always made it clear that it was non negotiable that I would be around, and be seen to be around. I've cried at her Christmas concert!

aloha · 21/08/2007 19:46

I mean that in a good, what a lovely event, how gorgeous, kind of way, btw!

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 21:42

The thing is, when it comes down to it, I've got more experience of this than him! I've had a lng term relly with a guy who had three daughters, we met up after we'd being going out for about 6 months, we were all nervous, mother freaked for a very short while but then appreciated the relationship I had with her dd's because she'd ring me and ask me to pick up school socks and stuff while we were out shopping... very civilised. We all had fun.

DP thinks that it is TOTALLY different because of the distance, because his dd lives miles away. Eh? I would have thought that it was more important then, to allow her to have another family down here, grandparents included.

Then sometimes I think maybe he prefers them living miles away like exiles so he can pick them up and put them down when it suits him...

It's really really REALLY hard, this relationship. Do not ask me why I hang in on it all, I can't answer.

OP posts:
FrayedKnot · 21/08/2007 22:02

When my DSD was 8 I used to read her a bedtime story when she came to stay.

I made her dressing up outfits for parties.

I went to her school concerts, parents evenings and took her to drama club.

I think it is tremendously sad that you are not being allowed to develop a relationship with the person who is probably (actually, there is no "probably" about it - I know it hurts but I know, I'm a step parent) THE most important person in your DP's life.

On many occasions when DSD & DSS were small, DH used to say wearily every weekend "it's so difficult trying to balance the needs of everyone". he flet himslef pulled in different directions all the time.

It makes life easy to compartmentalize bits of it - much easier for your DP that way. But grossly unfair on you.

You must give him an ultimatum, imho.

Blondilocks · 21/08/2007 22:15

I think nothing of sitting with my ex OH at DD's school events, but we do still get on really well & go out for coffee / drinks etc. Just decided that it didn't work out because we grew apart, it was both of our faults & we didn't see the point of falling out totally!

I think it's strange not to let you meet the child though. I'm glad that DD & ex-OH's gf get on well. It'll make things easier for both of them in the future.

MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 22:23

It's clearly nothing to do with distance, your experience shows that it's to do with attitude. He's clutching at straws. He's making illogical excuses.

So, cr, what are you going to do?

ernest · 22/08/2007 07:20

Thing is cr, this is tearing you apart. You've started 2 threads on the same topic, months apart. You were very upset about this (understandably) months ago. You're no further forward. You you really want to be so miserable in your life, and have your dp canstantly, on a daily basis, reject you, becasue by refusing to bring you fully onto his life, that's exactly what he is doing.

You seem convinced that there is no way he will change. You say otherwise you don't argue, but isn't that just a way of saying that this is the one time you stick your head above the parapet. And what happens? You get shot down big time.

It is very tough to make the decision to call it quits. I get the feeling you want to but can't bring yourself to, cos otherwise things are ok. But really they're not, he's very controlling in many ways from what you've said. It's just you also have control over the other aspects, but this one you have no control at all.

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 09:07

Do you get on well with dp's parents? Is there any chance of asking them to speak to him and explain the possible repercussions in the future?

Original poster
CiderRosie · 22/08/2007 10:41

Good morning. First can I just thank everyone for their input. I have posted on other forums about my relationship with my DP, and his with his 'other' family, but posting here gives me different viewpoints as it's a parents forum. One of the things that I worry about is that I am being selfish and I need to know what is 'normal'. Like my original question, is it ok for separated parents to go to school concerts together - well, I really don't know how parents see things because I'm not one. So coming here has been very helpful.

I find it hard to talk to him, so what I am going to do next, I really don't know. He is constantly telling me how he is desperate to have a 'future' with me, and will I please buy a house with him (we live in mine), and please please let's do something together. But I feel like I've only got half of him. How can I build on that? Or can I? Should I just go with the flow, believe him when he says that dd will HAVE to come and stay with us when we're in OUR house, or do I cling on to my life, the life I've worked hard to build? My clinging on drives him nuts. Like I won't commit to him either. So we're stalemate, going nowhere, yet we both want to move forward.

His parents and his sister sympathise with me, they 'feel for me', but nobody can do anything but DP. His parents are elderly so I can't really pour my heart out to them, and his sister is lovely but a bit of an ostrich, solves problems by throwing money at them.

So, another day. What to do. Posting things here clears my mind, I get so down, really I do. I drive myself demented with it all.

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 22/08/2007 10:44

Sorry if repeating what others have said, but I have read this all before.

Everyone give you the same advice before.

You're still there.

Didn't you meet his child once? I thought I read the last time that you did, but she didn't know you & her dad were together.

Same advice as everyone else. He's taking you for a fool.

No offence.

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