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Original poster

Should my DP accompany his ex and child...

190 replies

CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:02

I don't know what is 'ettiquette' really - DP has a ten year old child and when she's in school concerts (for example), DP goes along and sits with his ex to watch, then they go out for tea, stuff like that.

The thing is, my DP lives about 350 miles away from his daughter and his ex and so visiting is limited to maybe once a month, when he spends a couple of days with them (he doesn't stay in the house with them). So I can accept that it is hard for them all, but should I get so stressed that they still behave like a family?

OP posts:
summerunderakaftan · 20/08/2007 20:02

RIght read it....I am not sure where he is getting this you want to get your hands on my child guff from.

I can see why the concert/dinner thing makes you feel so insecure if he is makeing sure that you are totally seperate from his dd. In truth if it was me I would be wondering what future the relationship had. Most people when entering a new relationship are understandably cautious about introducing a new partner to their dc's but 3 years and living together???? That is just taking that caution to the extreme is it not. It is almost as if he is not fully commiting to you by keeping such an important part to himself.

I think you are right on the mark though it is all down to him not wanting to rock the boat and lose his pedestal in the eyes of his daughter but he has to face reality at some point and that one day she WILL find out about you or at least it will dawn on her as she gets older that he probably has had more partners since the split and she will be so angry at him for keeping this from her and if she does have any false hope of a family reunion then she will be devastated the longer this is left.

summerunderakaftan · 20/08/2007 20:02

RIght read it....I am not sure where he is getting this you want to get your hands on my child guff from.

I can see why the concert/dinner thing makes you feel so insecure if he is makeing sure that you are totally seperate from his dd. In truth if it was me I would be wondering what future the relationship had. Most people when entering a new relationship are understandably cautious about introducing a new partner to their dc's but 3 years and living together???? That is just taking that caution to the extreme is it not. It is almost as if he is not fully commiting to you by keeping such an important part to himself.

I think you are right on the mark though it is all down to him not wanting to rock the boat and lose his pedestal in the eyes of his daughter but he has to face reality at some point and that one day she WILL find out about you or at least it will dawn on her as she gets older that he probably has had more partners since the split and she will be so angry at him for keeping this from her and if she does have any false hope of a family reunion then she will be devastated the longer this is left.

Original poster
CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 20:17

I think I originally posted to see what other separated parents do. I think it is marvellous that they (DP and Ex) can communicate - though they do have some awful battles still - but what concerns me is that all the secrecy around us as a couple will be perceived by the child that mum and dad will get back together at some point.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 20/08/2007 20:27

agree with hatwoman
and
agree with hulababy

Surfermum · 20/08/2007 20:35

I agree this isn't about them sitting together at all, this is about CR not being a full part of her dp's life.

CR, why is all the contact at the x's end? Why doesn't she come to see him at your home? I know it's a lot of travelling, but she could come to stay in the school holidays. She just needs to have "normal" contact with her Dad at home.

If you'd been with him 3 months I'd be telling you to hang on in there, but I'm afraid after 3 years and with no change in sight I'd be giving him some sort of ultimatum. It must really hurt to be excluded like this.

tissy · 20/08/2007 20:45

like hatwoman, I have some unhappy memories of life in a "broken home". Dad left when I was about 11, then came back for a bit, then left for good when I was about thirteen, I think. Don't recall him coming to school plays, parents evenings or the like. Do remember him waiting for me to get home from my holiday job on the day my letter from Oxford University arrived. he got so impatient, he opened the letter, then finding I'd been rejected, buggered off to leave my Mum to tell me that my father had opened my post .

I think your dp is doing well to maintain contact with hisdaughter, but also agree that he is going about it the wrong way. I don't know when it entered my consciousness that my dad had another family, but that hurt a lot more than his going.

It still hurts. Even though we have a pretty cordial relationship now, it has all come back to me, as his stepdaughter has just had a baby, and he is treating her and her child as his "real" family, sod the fact that he has another TEN grandchildren from his natural children.

He needs to establish lines of communication between you, IMO. If he can't/ won't then I would be off. Sorry.

hatwoman · 20/08/2007 22:09

oh cider rosie - I didn;t read that bit about him keeping you secret. sorry. he and his ex are really barking up the wrong tree there - for everyone involved. there can be no doubt about it - tell your dp - one day she will find out. and any trust she had in him will utterly utterly fall apart. her trust in him is already on shakey ground because of the split - he needs to build it and nurture it. not lie to her. (and make no mistake, saying nothing is the same thing as lying)he is being cowardly and if he wants to keep his daughter he needs to be honest.

and from your pov too - how horrible for you - when you and her could potentially build a friendship too. I do feel strongly about this subject because it's close to my heart - but it's very difficult to advise you - I guess you'll be accused of interfering - but your dp has to understand that he can;t cut his life up into seperate chunks - it's not interfering - because it affects you as well. can you at least talk to him about it all from your own pov and how it does affect you - rather than his dd's - iyswim - because, ultimately I think the right solution for you - in this case is probably the right thing for her, and for him and ex. you need to make him see that there are lots of people involved.

good luck

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 09:46

Thanks Hatwoman and thanks to all... I have tried to talk to him about it but to be honest it's like flogging a dead horse. It ends in a row, him screaming at me that he's trying to do his best and do I not know how hard it is, and his ex will always try to make life hell for him because he was the one that left.

He thinks that he is protecting his dd by keeping up this charade and that one day dd will fall out with her mother, and dd will realise that daddy is more marvellous... I really can't understand his reckoning and that's when I just give up on the conversation.

It's like he doesn't live in the real world, like he's trying to create a perfect world for his little daughter to grow up in, and the sad thing is that one day, like you're all saying, dd will realise that all is not what it seems...

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 12:15

Ask him how he will feel if his dd turns round one day and asks why daddy has kept his life a secret and lied (by omitting the truth) abut his living arrangements?

He must lie to her because she must ask about his life, what he does, where he's been etc and he leaves you out of every sory..

Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 12:21

If she does fall out with her mother, she may one day at a hormonal 15 yrs old say she wants to live with dad and what wil he do then? somehow i don't think she will think he's marvellous....

warthog · 21/08/2007 12:21

i don't think you can change his mind. he feels this so strongly and he will sooner ditch you than make any changes on behalf of his dd. things clearly go very deep there, as illogical as they may be.

i think you have to accept the situation as is, and decide on whether you can live with it, and deal with the fallout when his dd finds out about his fabrication.

warthog · 21/08/2007 12:22

sorry, i didn't mean my 'ditch you' statement to sound so harsh.

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 12:35

Some days I think I can deal with it. Today is a better day than yesterday.

It only seems five minutes since she was six years old, now she's ten, before we know where we are she'll be a teenager... it's a short period of time in the great scheme of things and perhaps being patient and understanding will pay off in the end. It's hard sometimes but in a lot of ways my DP is a great partner, I feel safe with him, I can trust him. The fact that he's hapless and misguided when it comes to dealing with his child is unfortunate and rather tragic, and there is not a thing I can do about it.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 12:40

then that is that...

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 12:49

That is that indeed. For now. I'm just glad I came on here and got reassurance that it's ok for DP and his ex to go to school concerts together... thanks.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 12:51

you feel safe with him...
"Yes, I guess I am a bit insecure, but when you're sitting on the sidelines, constantly being treated like an outcast, it's not easy to feel secure. I am told in no uncertain terms that I won't be part of his daughters life (he is scared his ex will turn his child against him), and he also last night came out with the ludicrous statement that the only reason I want his child included in OUR lives is so that I can 'get my own back' and be bitchy to his ex. ??? "

He obvioulsy has such a high opinion of you.

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 12:53

Ohhh, I'm so confused...

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 13:01

Sorry, it wasn't my intention to upset you. I just thought perhaps you were just kidding yourself and settling for the quiet life.

That's fine, but be certan of what you're settling for and why. If he's still worth it then fine...but there are plenty of really nice men out there (with and without children) who could respect you, care for you and include you in EVERY aspect of theit life with pride...

MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 13:29

hello again cider, it seems that your op has given you more answers than you maybe want to have right now.

Sorry I was so forthright earlier on, but it seems that the posts since then have confirmed that it is very important for a child to have a full picture of her "other family". I feel that you are hanging on to the goodness in your partner and not seeing that he is actually being controlling and disregarding your feelings in the process.

I quote "He thinks that he is protecting his dd by keeping up this charade and that one day dd will fall out with her mother, and dd will realise that daddy is more marvellous..."

You are hoping that this will all pass as dd gets older. The potential unhappiness that he is building in his dd will go throughout life. He will always be Daddy and she will always need him.

The other thing is that, given that his intention for contact is selfish and ultimately destructive - him hoping that one day she will fall out with his mother - , well, what goes round comes round is all I can say.

Think about what's come out of this. He's full of anger with his ex and he's prepared to ruin the strongest relationship his own daughter will ever have, perhaps you can tolerate this kind of behaviour but I couldn't.

The only hope I could see is that he sees the error of his ways (without getting too biblical) and learns from it. If he's ultimately a good man, as you say, he will do this. But please don't bide your time, it will only make things worse.

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 13:34

MrsMarvel, thanks for your reply... I hear you, but how can I get through to him? As far as he's concerned, he is convinced that he is handling the situation properly. He is right, always right, if I contradict him he says I'm doing it to get at his ex, and how can I possibly know better if I've never had a child? I can't possibly understand the love bond between father and daughter. It is the only thing that ever causes arguments between us.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 13:40

That reply from him in itself shows such a lack of repect and compassion for you. What exactly does he think his ex could do? He has a legal right to see his dd so she can't prevent this.
Why does he find it so strange that his partner would want to meet his child?

warthog · 21/08/2007 13:42

you could write him a frank and heart-felt letter.

aloha · 21/08/2007 13:42

Dropdeadfred, actually there are lots of ways a woman can circumvent the law and prevent a father seeing his child if she wants. However, I think the fact that the OP's dp is no mean to her makes me think the child thing is a bit of a side-issue.

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 13:43

I don't think he finds it strange, I just think he is petrified of his daughter thinking he is a bad man...

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 13:45

and have you asked him how bad his daugter would think he was if his ex suddenly decided to tell her that daddy lives with another lady and has done for years...?

Aloha - a side issue in what way? - sorry didn't really understand...