Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should my DP accompany his ex and child...

190 replies

CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:02

I don't know what is 'ettiquette' really - DP has a ten year old child and when she's in school concerts (for example), DP goes along and sits with his ex to watch, then they go out for tea, stuff like that.

The thing is, my DP lives about 350 miles away from his daughter and his ex and so visiting is limited to maybe once a month, when he spends a couple of days with them (he doesn't stay in the house with them). So I can accept that it is hard for them all, but should I get so stressed that they still behave like a family?

OP posts:
Hurlyburly · 21/08/2007 14:05

Well all the divorced parents at my DCs school do get together for things like concerts, plays, matches and birthday parties.

For most of them, I reckon that it's a hard thing to do, to put on a show of amity. But they do it because they have to, because they have children that they are responsible for and have to bring up.

It's not easy for you either. It must be hard that they live so far away, and your DP has to take so much time out to go and do his bit.

As one poster suggested, it does come with the territory. But as another poster suggested, why not try to be part of his old life too? You could go. Failing that, maybe you could get your DP to take your DCs to join in? That would leave you free to have some peace and quiet ...

aloha · 21/08/2007 14:07

A side issue in that there is a fundamental lack of respect, emotional abuse ('you'll never find anyone like me') and a refusal to talk in this relationship that seems to me more fundamental even that his lying to his daughter and keeping his dp as a dirty secret.

aloha · 21/08/2007 14:08

Hurlyburly, she's not allowed to go! Apparently her dp says that even knowing she exists would break his daughter's heart . And she doesn't have any children.

Surfermum · 21/08/2007 14:11

Hurly, CR doesn't have children of her own and her partner won't let her meet his daughter. She doesn't know CR exists.

MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 14:12

So dp refuses for there to be any contact between you and his daughter. You said it was because he is hoping that if he seems like the perfect father, when his dd gets older, she will turn on her mother because somehow she will believe that her suffering is because of mother and not father?

Have a look at what you've posted here cider.

But in response - how to get throught to him - I agree with other poster, write a letter and be very clear - it's about your concern for his future - the repercussions later on, which will come back to haunt him and you.

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 14:14

Does anyone think that this is the only way he has of 'controlling' me? I have a good job and I'm very independant, and always have been. I have a life of my own and there have been times when he's been a bit miffed that he hasn't been consulted before I take on a contract (or whatever), even though it's nothing to do with him... I think he'd like to call all the shots with me, but can't, and maybe this is the only way he can do it. Or am I way off the mark?

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 14:15

Does your work affect him - i.e. less time with him - does he want you to stay at home?

lemonaid · 21/08/2007 14:16

You've not had a daughter, but you (probably -- I don't know your family circumstances) had a father, so his saying that you don't understand the father-daughter bond is bollocks. Next time he tries that on you can tell him that he's never been a girl, so he can't possibly understand the daughter-father bond. And that, speaking as the possessor of two X-chromosomes, your heart would be far more likely to be broken by discovering in adulthood that your father has been lying to you about a very big part of his life than by his telling you the truth that he has a girlfriend. He really is talking arrant nonsense. And I say that as someone who does have a child, which according to him makes my opinion worth more than yours .

Hurlyburly · 21/08/2007 14:16

Sorry, Cider rosie - had not read whole thread and had not appreciated you were being kept a secret or that you didn't have children.

Erm, this is all a problem, no? I don't approve of secrets and lies. It's all about trust, isn't it?

You need to talk to him. Tell him that you need to be in the open. Sell it to him on the basis that if he wants to maintain a relationship with his daughter he needs to be honest

Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 14:16

That sounds very telling Cider...it's almost as if he thinks if you have independence and a seperate work life without needing him then why should he let you into his seperate world...if so he's being very childish

Surfermum · 21/08/2007 14:18

Your story sounds really familiar. Did you post under another name a few months ago? If so, I'm sorry things haven't change. If not, might be worth a search in the archives as she was in a very similar position to you.

MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 14:25

You ok cr?

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 14:29

I'm ok, yes thanks. Better than yesteday as it happens. And yes, if he could have me stay at home or work for him (work with him, he describes it), he would. But I won't, I'm not that kind of person.

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 14:33

Hmm. You need to find out why he separated from his ex. Have you asked?

aloha · 21/08/2007 14:34

sorry to slag off your dp so much CR, but I think his attitude to you is very unfair.

mankyscotslass · 21/08/2007 14:36

There was a poster a few months ago in a very similar situation. I agree with Surfermum, perhaps if you went through the archives you would find an insight into your own situation?

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 14:36

They separated because they should never have got together. The baby was a mistake and so he stood by his ex as long as he could before he snapped. It was upsetting the child, them constantly fighting.

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 21/08/2007 15:00

I suppose I meant what kind of things did they argue about?

Mumpbump · 21/08/2007 15:38

CR - I'm not entirely clear whether you are being kept a total secret from his dd or whether he simply doesn't want her to be confronted with the reality of him having another relationship. If you are being kept a total secret, I think that is appalling...

Dropdeadfred · 21/08/2007 15:53

she is a total secret mumpbump and has been for 3 years...

mankyscotslass · 21/08/2007 16:22

Think this is the previous thread we were thinking of Surfermum? Hope it helps CR
here

Pan · 21/08/2007 16:42

ooooh, I have been here, in RL. And very recently. And I haven't read all of the thread >.

Your dp is pivitol to all of this. And bears most responsibility in managing it well, but with your help. He has to be transparent as possible in all thoughts and behaviours. And explain his motives.

dd comes first, and the adults have to work round that one. She will undoubtedly be happy to see him and ex- at whatever ocassion is needed, and if the boundaries of relationships are made clear and explained to her, she will not be confused.
Children like to know what the 'rules' are, not to interfere with them if they are fair. They adapt, and dislike inconsistency later. Sitting separatly would confuse her and invite her to think there is a problem, when there need not be.

I would not miss any ocassion for dd, and always sit with her mum. But mum and I have worked hard over the years to be as good and respectful to each other as possible. For all our sakes.

I have had one relationship since dd was born, and that ended, in part over this issue. Partner never grasped the difference between us being a family and me exercising my love for dd. There was always a 'fear' that I was enjoying dd's mum's company a little too much for her liking, I'm afraid. When I absolutely wasn't.

Attending at dd's things is crucial to both dd and your dp. You have to work round that one, with dp's help.

All IMVHO, of course.

Pan · 21/08/2007 16:53

just read most of thread.......whaaaa? She doesn't know you exist??!!

Boy, he's got to change that.

Someone, I think aloha said this was a side issue. yup. It sounds, to me, like a manifest of a very poor attitude. He is your partner. He is, in part, accountable to you.

He has engineered a situation for his own ease and benefit, not his dds. As it reads to me.

Original poster
CiderRosie · 21/08/2007 17:11

Yes, I was the other poster..., but re-registered in my temper at not being able to log in or remember my last password or whatever.

Anyway. DD kind of knows of me, if you will, we met briefly once but it did not suit his ex one little bit so the whole getting to know you thing was kyboshed before it even got off the ground. He's been barred from mentioning my name or letting me shout hello to her down the phone. And because I did once say hello to her (shouted hello in the background on the phone, if you see what I mean) and dd went all quiet, DP was then convinced that she hated his guts because I was in the room, so now I've been more or less vapourised just in case dd takes the hump again.

She might be coming to stay with DP at the end of the month - at his parents house, not ours - whether I'll be allowed to make an appearance, well let's wait and see. Or should I just arrive at his mum and dad's, and watch them all shit themselves?

OP posts:
Earlybird · 21/08/2007 17:16

CR - can't remember if you've said earlier, does DP's ex have a partner/dh of her own currently? Has she been involved with anyone since she split from your DP?

And just curious - ignore if it's too nosey - how did it occur that your DP lives so far away from his dd?