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Original poster

Should my DP accompany his ex and child...

190 replies

CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:02

I don't know what is 'ettiquette' really - DP has a ten year old child and when she's in school concerts (for example), DP goes along and sits with his ex to watch, then they go out for tea, stuff like that.

The thing is, my DP lives about 350 miles away from his daughter and his ex and so visiting is limited to maybe once a month, when he spends a couple of days with them (he doesn't stay in the house with them). So I can accept that it is hard for them all, but should I get so stressed that they still behave like a family?

OP posts:
Original poster
CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:33

DP cannot understand why I want anything to do with his daughter and when I bring the topic up, he turns it all around on me saying that I want to get my hands on his daughter to upset his ex.

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BrownSuga · 20/08/2007 14:34

all sounds a bit fishy. DH's XW let their DD go with him to Italy to meet me in the very early stages of our relationship. and since i've moved here only one funny thing has she said, that her DD is coming to our house to see her dad not me, fair enuff. i'd start insisting on meeting the DD i think and perhaps being introduced to the XW she must realise he's moved on after all this time.

macdoodle · 20/08/2007 14:34

well if I was you I think you should be more worried about the other stuff (like why are you a big secret does his XW know??)...but for the kid on the Relate ladder - seperated parents who are happy is better than seperated parents who hate each other - FGS why shouldn't they sit together ??

Baffy · 20/08/2007 14:35

And how does your dp feel about his ex's completely unreasonable attitude that is clearly not in the best interests of their child.

Totally agree that it will hurt dd more when the day comes that she finds out they've been lying to her.

Surely your dp should (3 years down the line) be telling his ex how unreasonable this is and taking whatever small steps it takes to try and resolve this situation.
The main thing I think you should ask him is... Where does he see yours and his relationship going? His answer to that should tell you everything you need to know.

aloha · 20/08/2007 14:35

So not only are you a dirty secret, if you protest about it, he's actually cruel and insulting to you. Is this really a relationship worth having? I would not tolerate this. And I am a stepmother. My dh wouldn't have dreamed of treating me like this.

margoandjerry · 20/08/2007 14:36

Sounds like his problem tbh. You can't have a proper relationship with him unless his daughter is part of your lives.

This puts your original post in an entirely different light. I'd have major alarm bells ringing. Sorry.

MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 14:36

Aha. I see this all the time and it drives me nuts! People always forget that it's nothing actually to do with the parents it's to do with the child! How dare he assume that you would use his child to get at his ex!

macdoodle · 20/08/2007 14:38

Oh and don't believe him when he blames it all on her men are extremely good at blaming woman for what they say and do - my H told OW it was all me that wanted him back and begged him to come back threatened he couldn't see DD none of it true - meanwhile he was happily stringing us both along.... would be interesting to know what he says to her does he say that you don't want to meet DD???

Wisteria · 20/08/2007 14:39

All starting to sound a bit odd to me, agree that this needs addressing, 3 years is a long time to be keeping secrets and I agree it is potentially very damaging for dd.
Very difficult from your end I can see - he sounds as though he has the ability to twist anything you say.

Best way to address it may well be your relationship, where are we going? do you want more children? etc. At least then you'll know where you stand.

MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 14:40

Cider - I feel for you. Do you have children with dp?

tribpot · 20/08/2007 14:45

Hang on - do we know that the ex won't allow Cider to visit? I think all we know is that Cider's dp says she won't?

Original poster
CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:46

No, I've no kids of my own and no plans to have any, I've had a hysterectomy.

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Original poster
CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:47

Do you know what I think? I think he is petrified of telling his daughter about his real life in case daughter takes the hump with him. He wants to arrive on his visits like Father Christmas and be adored, and if she didn't worship him, he'd be gutted.

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MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 14:48

So it's even more painful for you then.

margoandjerry · 20/08/2007 14:48

you've got it cider. That's it exactly. Time to grow up.

Baffy · 20/08/2007 14:49

Think you've hit the nail on the head cider.

It may not even be his ex saying you can't meet her.

Are you happy to live with this?

mosschops30 · 20/08/2007 14:51

It would also give him the edge of the 'poor wounded father' with his dd that my father tried to pull with me. If his dd thinks he's all alone, poor daddy!!

However like me, when she grows up she might find out the truth that her father is a manipulative idiot

Original poster
CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:52

Sometimes I think my life is much easier without someone else's child in it, what worries me is the hold she has over him (his doing, not hers if you see what I mean) and what would happen when she hits 13, the hormones start, and she threatens that she never wants to see him again unless he gets rid of me...

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MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 14:52

So it's all about him then. He's the perfect Dad to his daughter. The way to find the truth? Pick up the phone and speak to ex partner. Ask her if you could meet up.

tribpot · 20/08/2007 14:53

He's in for a rough ride when she becomes a teenager, then, Cider!

Do you know if his ex knows of your existence? The whole 'not having the home phone number' and stuff all sounds very odd. As if he is pretending you don't exist at all.

mosschops30 · 20/08/2007 14:53

Cider do you really want to be with a man who behaves like this?

margoandjerry · 20/08/2007 14:54

OK, you need to stop thinking about her. This is not about her. This is about him. His weakness. His inability to be honest. His failure to show you loyalty. His need to be top dog.

OK, now that is harsh, but please. This is not about the daughter. It's about the man you are with.

Baffy · 20/08/2007 14:54

Surely that's all the more reason for you to meet her and build a relationship with her. To avoid something like that ever happening if and when she finds out she has been lied to for years...

This is your dp's responsibility to sort out. Sooner rather than later. Either you're in his life long term, or not...

You need to give the girl some credit. He is manipulating all of you. She will be able to deal with this. If her father grows up and deals with it himself!

Original poster
CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:56

Yes, his ex knows all about me. Yes she freaked out at first, but now I think she's fairly indifferent about it all. She is not in another relationship but is working and is doing alright on her own. I don't think that after three years she can still be freaking out about me, surely she'd be exhausted or at least bored with it? What I mean is, I was onced dumped and I spat venom for about six months at the new woman, but you get over it, and wonder how on earth you ever felt that bitter, don't you?

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Original poster
CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:57

margo&j, that certainly wasn't harsh, that was the nail on the head, I think.

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