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Original poster

Should my DP accompany his ex and child...

190 replies

CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:02

I don't know what is 'ettiquette' really - DP has a ten year old child and when she's in school concerts (for example), DP goes along and sits with his ex to watch, then they go out for tea, stuff like that.

The thing is, my DP lives about 350 miles away from his daughter and his ex and so visiting is limited to maybe once a month, when he spends a couple of days with them (he doesn't stay in the house with them). So I can accept that it is hard for them all, but should I get so stressed that they still behave like a family?

OP posts:
KerryMumbledore · 20/08/2007 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baffy · 20/08/2007 14:19

It doesn't seem right to me that she is not allowed to meet you.

She's 10 fgs and you met after her parents split up. I'd really be wanting to know exactly why she is not allowed to know that her dad has a girlfiend.

Hulababy · 20/08/2007 14:19

Have read the further posts. I would be more concerned and wanting to sort out the whole thing about the DD not being allowed to see you. That doesn't bode well for a long lasting relationship IMO. You are part of DPs life now, and I presume a permenent one. The child is old enough to know about you and to get to know you IMO, especially after three years. The ex definitely needs to sort that bit out with you and DP.

aloha · 20/08/2007 14:20

I think you are being v harsh with the OP. She is in a terrible situation with a dp who won't even tell his dd that he has a partner, and his ex refuses to let the child stay with her dad and new partner.
After three years I would seriously question what sort of relationship I was in tbh. It doesn't break a child's heart to find her dad has a girlfriend. It may piss her off and she may be jealous, yes, but break her heart? No.
Do you have/want children of your own? Why do you live so far from his daughter?

Brangelina · 20/08/2007 14:20

Kerry, I've seen it done, Mother tells child Dad is working away or something.

BrownSuga · 20/08/2007 14:20

My DH has a DD with an XW, they don't do anything together. They don't do sports days, concerts, check out new schools, or parents evenings. and she was even confused that her parents weren't getting back together, despite them both being remarried and her DM having another DD. I think if they sit together as a family and go for dinner, may be sending the wrong signal to the child and may just confuse the issue.

Mumpbump · 20/08/2007 14:20

There was another poster on here who had a similar problem. I think the general advice was to ask the dp where he saw their relationship going long-term. For example, what would happen if you had a child? Would his dd be allowed to know her brother/sister? TBH, I'd probably be thinking of packing my bags and leaving, if I were in your position. 3 years is a long time to be excluded from an important aspect of your dp's life...

Speccy · 20/08/2007 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 14:21

Cider - it will break dd's heart or ex's heart? I'm guessing it's ex. In my experience (seeing similar jealousies in friends and family situations), I have seen that the child likes to have some kind of crossover, so their life with one parent isn't completely separate from their life with the other.
I can't imagine what it must be like as a child if you couldn't ever meet the person that is so important in your Dad's life and that your Dad spends most time with.

Perhaps an outing or something where you can all (3) of you be on neutral territory?

mosschops30 · 20/08/2007 14:21

Sounds like you have waaaayyy more problems than just whether he sits next to her at functions cider

Sorry but his attitude smacks of a man who wants it all his way. I dont understand why he wouldnt want to include his dd in your lives, dont lots of 'normal' couples do this.
I dont know what his reasons are but this is just bizarre

Wisteria · 20/08/2007 14:22

IMO she should know about you, as others have said it will just lead to tears later on, but that doesn't sound as if it's your dps choosing anyway.

Showing up at things together will stop his dd thinking she may have been the problem - they obviously both love her enough to put their differences aside, that is what mine have learnt anyway.

Bit harsh Kerry? The OP is only asking what is normal, not trying to stop it..

MyTwopenceworth · 20/08/2007 14:22

First and foremost they are joint parents to the child. When they come together for that purpose, then it is not unreasonable for them to be together, they are a team in that respect - Mother and Father.

Credit to them, to be honest. I think they are BETTER people for being able to be together for their child, rather than allowing any bitterness or anger, or regret or whatever, overtake their duty to their child.

However, not allowing you into any part of the child's life, despite you having been with the father for 3 years - that's odd, and needs addressing far more than who sits where at a school play.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2007 14:22

Poor wee girl.

Blu · 20/08/2007 14:23

I thnk that it is rally good and really important that DP's dd sees that although his parents have separated from each other, that they still act as her parents and are joint in their appreciation of her, and will communicate happily when it is about her etc.
I think it's sad that his DD is not allowed to visit you, and i can see that as a result you fell pushed out of this particular triangle. TRy and remind yourself that it is no threat at all to your own rlationship -and that if you make any move at all to create tension over visits to his dd you will delay or prevent any possible 'thawing' on the idea that you might meet her.

Support and encourage your DP to do whatever he can to be with his dd.

I speak as someone who was a step-mum to a little girl in a long relationship a long time ago.

Dropdeadfred · 20/08/2007 14:24

Surely this ten year old girl must phone her father?
I think the disturbing thing is one day this little girl will find out her dad has had a secret life that he didn't let her know if , for years and years...if I was that child i would be so wounded by that discovery...

Baffy · 20/08/2007 14:24

Agree that the op seems the least of your worries and this is probably more about his ex than his daughter.
It's her insecurities that mean she will not accept that her ex has moved on 3 years down the line!

Your dp obviously has clear reasons for believing the ex will stop his contact or make his life difficult if you are to meet dd.

Awful situation

Original poster
CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:26

He phones his daughter on his mobile, when he's out of the house. They don't have our home phone number, again I think this is terrible - what if they needed him and couldn't get him on his mobile?

OP posts:
Blu · 20/08/2007 14:27

Sorry - cross-posted with your last post Cider. He is being very excluding and unfair to you - unless you have ever given the imprssion that you resent his contact or feel jealous about exw - not saying you have.

If you have always been supporting and encouraging of his contact, not jealous of exw etc, then I think you need to talk to him seriously about how he sees his future with you - is he committed or will you always be a temporary gf kept in the dark and not allowed to have a baby?

MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 14:29

Have you ever asked if you can go on a visit with him - he doesn't stay at their house anyway, there should be nothing to stop you going along as well. It may be a way to "thaw" the situation.

margoandjerry · 20/08/2007 14:30

Yes it seems there are bigger problems here.

When I found out (by accident at about the age of 10) that my Dad was getting married again it broke my heart. Particularly because we were not invited to the wedding. He cut us out of stuff and wasn't honest.

Keeping the truth from children is what hurts them. She might be upset at first to find out about you - particularly if he has pretended you don't exist. But she will get over it if she is allowed to be part of your life.

I speak from experience here having just got off the phone from my stepmother - we're going to see the Rolling Stones together tomorrow.

Seems like you and your partner have got some talking to do - and not about the fact that he goes to school concerts with his ex.

Mumpbump · 20/08/2007 14:30

My dh's ex doesn't want any contact with me, but I asked for her telephone no. when he started going away for longer business trips so that if anything happened to him, I could contact her to let her know. I agree that there are some fairly practical reasons for having contact details, even if you don't use them!

Original poster
CiderRosie · 20/08/2007 14:31

Yes, I've asked if I could go and visit and he says it's impossible, his ex would just not allow it.

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 14:31

Does daughter want his home phone number - has she asked for it? I'm guessing she does, and if so, she should have it.

It may be worth reminding dp of how this will look in retrospect in the future. When she grows up and asks why didn't you ever let me meet your new partner / phone me at home / let me come and stay with you.

mosschops30 · 20/08/2007 14:32

I think the ex would be hard pushed to make contact any more limited than it is now. She just wouldnt get away with it (at least not in my experience). If he only sees his dd once a month now I would say thats pretty limited

Dropdeadfred · 20/08/2007 14:32

Are you sure that his ex knows of your existence?