Dating thread 174 - where we remind everyone of rule no.13

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

TigerDater I would see how it goes on the day. He might assume that because you've asked him to your house that implies an overnight stay.
But if you're not comfortable with that, then ask him to leave.
Don't let him persuade you to do something that you don't want.

How do you all find FWB?
I've been on and off Fab a few times and had some nice social meets. But they've never progressed any further for various reasons.

I would say "not looking for serious" in my profile and make it clear very early on in the chat.

Didn't suit me in the end, but no regrets.

echo Mr Mad was from Tinder, I didn’t realise he would be a FWB to begin with, I thought it might be a relationship, he thought it was FB - so the FWB situation just developed as our friendship grew. And Mr Greedy was from Fab, it was always clear that the deal was lovers and friends (he just took the first bit too literally 😥).

I really do think that though FWB is a wonderful release/protection/learning experience/confidence booster in many ways, it does hold you back from searching properly and bring vulnerable, and it’s far harder to unwind than I could have imagined.

Ask. Nice and early in the chat. "What are you looking for? "

The problem with just asking is that they often either lie or don’t have s clue what you mean. I’ve tried it with a couple of others and they took FWB to mean FB, ie no friendship

I met my FWB on tinder. When we matched I didn't hold out much hope at the time, thought he'd be too young (22) but he was gorgeous and actually I've not felt like this about anyone in a long time. At first it seemed to be see what happens then he ended it. Then got back in touch around 5 months ago and we've kind of drifted into FWB but I want more.

I'm not doing FWB again, it's just rubbish when you don't like them enough or like them too much

I don’t really get it tbh and it wouldn’t be for me. Although if it works for people then great. I don’t know how if you fancy someone and get on with them and sleep with them how you stop yourself having feelings 🤷🏼‍♀️.

jane I can’t figure that out either really, but I think it’s called being emotionally unavailable. Ie I’m a man! (Sorry, Fred men)

I kind of see It like it never gets past month 2 of a relationship and you don’t love each other or Make future plans etc ?

Yes it doesn’t get past month 2 of a sexual relationship as you describe, but the friendship bit does

I get it I just don’t know if I could put myself there. But then I was married for 10 years to a man who had no interest in me 😂😂

I say the friendship aspect is non negotiable

Nope. Going to has've self respect and nity invite myself to mr beards. If he liked me enough he'd chase me. Thats knowing my worth that is

I've thought about my motivations for fwb in the past, and I did it for a few reasons.

1. I didn't want my ex to be the last man who touched me for however long it would take to find a relationship; at the time I had zero interest in a real relationship, it was too soon, but I felt it was a way to gain ownership over my body.
2. I was previously in a very backwards, patriarchal religion that places high value on sexual "purity" within marriage only. Since I will never get married again, the thought of being alone for the rest of my life depressed me. It was also a way to break away from that mindset.
3. I met my ex 20 years ago and was a virgin when we married. He was literally my only sexual partner and he had me convinced I was frigid and his poor behaviour towards me was a direct result of me not putting out often enough. Turns out he was absolutely shit at sex and I had no clue until I had experiences with other men to compare him to. I've since been catching up on all those years I wasted on him, and it turns out I like sex just fine, thankyouverymuch!

But yes, it's easy to catch feelings and I had to ignore a large part of my character in order to make it work (connecting with other people is something I find deeply satisfying and important). I also needed to date a lot of men to stop myself overly focusing on one. I don't really have the energy to sustain such a thing for long, I found it stressful.

I accomplished my goals and I discovered myself in ways I couldn't have otherwise, I feel, so it's been good. But I won't pursue that style of dating again. I'm either with someone officially, with all the emotional attachment that entails, or I'm alone. I can't go halfsies.

@MoreNiceCereal. It sounds like it was what you needed and I hope you got what you wanted from it. I just don’t think it would be for me but my ex messed my head up so badly I don’t know what I want tbh

morenice yes to all those things, definitely!

jane I think most of us have had our heads messed with to a greater or lesser extent. Although it can be painful, getting out there and adventuring really helps to work out who you are and what you want - and what you don’t want. Plus counselling and brilliant friends 😊

I'm heading out on another date with MrN. Can't invite him back to mine tonight because I have to get my DC early tomorrow (a whole other story). I'm really looking forward to it and finding EOW dating a bit of a long wait between seeing each other.

@Jane1978xx, @MoreNiceCereal that's the thing for me, I agree if you really fancy someone and get on, enjoy being around them then it's impossible not to get feelings for me. If there's genuine chemistry there from the start too then I'm usually falling fast.

Never thought it'd happen with my FWB but from the first date we had loads of chemistry and I fancied him loads. Then when I saw how great he is it was inevitable really

Oh have fun pink - wine enough to help you relax (if it does that to you) but not passed out and snoring! I hardly drink so all my first times with new men have been stone cold sober 😂

I've had a couple of FWBs and don't get attached - I picked men who were unsuitable in some way (a lot younger than me etc). But when I fall in love I fall hard so I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable! I get that it's not for everybody but I had my needs met lol and a lot of fun xx

And those kisses are why I don't WhatsApp Mr BC and post on MN at the same time 😂😂

@BatshitCrazyWoman that's what I thought I was doing- I didn't think I could fall for a 22 yr old and I did 😂

@TimeTravellingDiamond that's also what I thought I was doing with MrU who is 15 years my junior. Just enjoying what we had which was more than FWB but never had a future. I thought I'd be ok as I always knew it had to end but I was so crushed. I've learned a lesson though.

@unambiguousbeard 💐 sounds like we're feeling exactly the same.

FWB is messaging and talking about meeting up... argh so desperate to see him

I'm now messaging 3 potentials having whittled then down from a dozen last night. In order of preference

1. Spaniard with beard
2. 36 year old (same age as Mr U) Italian (same business as Mr U.) Yeah. I'm a twat
3. Turk with beard.

Is there a pattern???