Married Man - does he have feelings for me?

[Pookypoo]

I’m married with children. My relationship isn’t a particularly happy one and we’ve drifted apart. We get along, but are really like housemates.

Three years ago I met a man on a night out with our mutual friends. I think he was attracted to me almost immediately, he was kind of staring at me whilst we were chatting as a group, we walked together and he brought me a drink - it’s hard to explain but I’ve never felt anything similar before. I wasn’t attracted to him and to be honest I wouldn’t have thought of him again, but he contacted me the morning after our meeting and so began a three year long, texting “friendship”.

We live hours from one another and so our paths are unlikely to cross naturally - We did however meet once more and kissed, very awkwardly - the whole short meeting was very awkward and he was incredibly nervous, shaking and just seemed terrified.

We text everyday, he says good morning most days and night most nights. He even texts every day when he’s on his family holidays. We talk about our lives (never his wife), children, work and there has been some sexual talk and in the early days an admission of feelings on both parts. He has told me he thinks the world of me and that he cares deeply, as friends! He has told me that if we stopped texting he’s not sure he could easily forget me. If life gets busy he texts to apologise for being quiet. He always replies and usually always initiates our chats.

His children are older and are starting to leave home. I’ve asked if he’s lonely but he completely flew off the handle at that suggestion. I suspect he probably is and I think I am too, despite having a job I love and great family and friends.

I do feel that over the years I’ve developed feelings for him. They can’t possibly be real though - can they?

He is extremely loyal to his family and I know he would never cheat but are we just friends, in which case is it ok to carry on communicating?

Or is this an emotional affair with feelings that neither of us are admitting to?

I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for, but have no one to talk to about this in real life.

Leave him alone and fix your own mess.

FFS.

You’re both married. Whether he has feelings for you or not is irrelevant.

Leave your unhappy marriage. Then you’re free to work out whether other men have feelings for you. But try the single ones first. If this one has feelings for you he’ll make himself single before acting on them. If he’s anything close to worth having.

Have you read the book not just friends?

You are both cheating.

Leave your husband if you want, but please don't continue this affair.

I don't think it matters abput him. This is about you and your feelings towards your dh. The trouble is, you have had those needs met in this fantasy relationship for a while now so this side of things with your dh has been allowed to slip.

Can it be worked on or are you unhappy in your relationship? Do you need to leave?

This man is not, or ever will be your knight in shining armour. He is a distraction

This is an emotional affair.

Fix your own mess at home first before messing someone else’s marriage up.

You’re both cheating, both have families. Does your family not deserve a little respect? Either sort things out at home / divorce but stay well clear of other peoples partners and families

@TheoriginalLEM thank you. Yes I think you’re right. I can’t remember if I was unhappy before this thing started or whether I’m unhappy as a result of it.

Just to be clear I have tried many, many times to end it but every time I do things seem to turn nasty which I find really hard to take.

I wasn’t attracted to him either of the times we met.

I have tried many, many times to end it but every time I do things seem to turn nasty which I find really hard to take.

Block him. do it right now. Go into your phone contacts right now and block him, do the same on Facebook, snapchat, WhatsApp etc.

If you hide it from your husband then its something you shouldn't be doing. Yes you can have feelings but I'd stop pursuing that if I were you. Married men rarely leave their wives and when they do it's not the romantic fairy tale you think it will be. Think you are boosting each others egos and considering your so far away from each other it's quite risk free in his mind.

You have probably drifted away from your husband because you are either consciously or sub consciously having your head and heart with your texting friend and not with your husband.

This is an escape given that in real life it was awkward & you wasnt attracted to him from the start I'd have to leave it there and focus on fixing my life.

He's a player, you know that? And you're a fool. Interesting to see how despite the rosy and completely predictable image painted of the gentle 'terrified' man (read: he's soooo not the type to do, um, exactly what he's doing) the truth slips out - If life gets busy he texts to apologise for being quiet - hah, so he's happy to ignore his side bit if things are busy in his real life, eh?

Wise up and walk away. This isn't unique or special, it's just as tawdry as all the other folk that dabble like this. If your mariage is over, leave it. His marriage is just dandy, he's basically told you that - he just likes to get off on flirting with someone else, because he is yuk.

Oh and he's happy to 'fly off the handle' with you?

Right. Blocky blocky time for this twunt, I think.

Totally disingenuous.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, yes - it’s not nice behaviour but you have to see that and let go of it to move on.
I’d explain to him this isn’t a healthy relationship for either of you and you want to concentrate on sorting your own life out.
I’d then delete, block and focus 100% on what it is you want out of life!
Maybe life coaching, counselling, CBT, new hobbies, some travel might be a good idea lace to start?

asked if he’s lonely but he completely flew off the handle at that suggestion

This is a massive red flag. Given you don't know him and when you try to stop contact he gets angry - what more red flags do you need? This is an ego boost for him, when you tried to suggest he was lonely he hated the suggestion as he wants to maintain an image. He wont let you stop texting until he allows it

Forget the love at first sight as there is something called a sociopathic stare, highly seductive even if you are not attracted to him.

Love your own self for a change OP.

Neither this man or your current husband are right for you and you should end each relationship. Your H and you have drifted apart and stay together now really for your own selfish based reasons. This other man and you between the two of you are only thinking of your own selves.

Getting back to your marriage they likely know that things between you and dad are not great. Is this what you want to teach them about relationships too, that when relationships go downhill the answer is to look outside the marriage for a distraction from what is happening within it?. This other man saw an opportunity her to exploit your vulnerability and targeted you accordingly.

It's a distraction you don't need in your life. Delete, block, move on, never look back.

He's really messing with your head, isn't he? Like others have said, he's a distraction & an escape from what's going on in your own marriage. You're not even attracted to him & it's clear you don't actually want anything to come of this. You know what you need to do - be strong, end it & work on your own relationship.

Delete and block

You need to focus on your marriage

Thank you so much for the helpful comments, yes it’s really messed with my head. I honestly wish it had never started and I certainly didn’t go out looking for anything like that this and don’t want to get involved in other people’s relationships. I think I was lonely, unhappy and he maybe picked up on this.

I have read about the sociopath stare and maybe that’s what he was doing. As I said, I’ve never known anything like it. It was weird.

I guess that’s why I posted here - hoping to regain some clarity of thought.

He can be extremely aggressive and we’ve had some pretty awful disagreements. I’ve often felt that he’s not been honest in certain situations but when I dare question him, it quickly turns into something quite unpleasant.

He is extremely loyal to his family and I know he would never cheat

Er, you kissed, and you are in daily contact, sometimes twice or more every single day. He has cheated OP, for three years!!! And so have you!

In his eyes it’s not cheating. I have asked him to read about emotional affairs and I’ve tried to end it - not very successfully.

It was the worst kiss I’ve every experienced. Excruciatingly awkward.

I think I’m weak, he tells me we’re JUST friends!

How old are you and how old is he?
How many times have you actually seen or met him?
You are an ego boost for him. And he seems manipulative if huh try to change the dynamic. He has got into your head. It will be hard but you need to walk away from this before untold damage is done.

Early 40s - he’s early 50’s.
Seen him twice.
Sounds so pathetic now I’m actually talking about it to someone other than him.