Married Man - does he have feelings for me?

[Pookypoo]

I’m married with children. My relationship isn’t a particularly happy one and we’ve drifted apart. We get along, but are really like housemates.

Three years ago I met a man on a night out with our mutual friends. I think he was attracted to me almost immediately, he was kind of staring at me whilst we were chatting as a group, we walked together and he brought me a drink - it’s hard to explain but I’ve never felt anything similar before. I wasn’t attracted to him and to be honest I wouldn’t have thought of him again, but he contacted me the morning after our meeting and so began a three year long, texting “friendship”.

We live hours from one another and so our paths are unlikely to cross naturally - We did however meet once more and kissed, very awkwardly - the whole short meeting was very awkward and he was incredibly nervous, shaking and just seemed terrified.

We text everyday, he says good morning most days and night most nights. He even texts every day when he’s on his family holidays. We talk about our lives (never his wife), children, work and there has been some sexual talk and in the early days an admission of feelings on both parts. He has told me he thinks the world of me and that he cares deeply, as friends! He has told me that if we stopped texting he’s not sure he could easily forget me. If life gets busy he texts to apologise for being quiet. He always replies and usually always initiates our chats.

His children are older and are starting to leave home. I’ve asked if he’s lonely but he completely flew off the handle at that suggestion. I suspect he probably is and I think I am too, despite having a job I love and great family and friends.

I do feel that over the years I’ve developed feelings for him. They can’t possibly be real though - can they?

He is extremely loyal to his family and I know he would never cheat but are we just friends, in which case is it ok to carry on communicating?

Or is this an emotional affair with feelings that neither of us are admitting to?

I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for, but have no one to talk to about this in real life.

Divorce your respective partners & then see where ‘this’ goes or walk away and never look back ..

Speaking from a man's point of view. He is having his cake and eating it,!! Can you not see the bigger picture of the amount of people this will impact on and the aftermath,!!

And still it goes on...

We had a conversation last night. I tried to explain...

Ok, I'm out.

Don't tell people it's ended then have long conversations with them, or yes they will bloody say things like 'when will it end'. Because your version of 'ending it' is silly bullshit.

How would you feel OP if he was doing this with a few people, because there is every chance he is. Guys like this love the ego boost that they can still ‘pull’ . Yes I’m sure he likes you a lot but he isn’t a nice loyal guy as you say— or he wouldn’t be doing this. Your H would be mortified I’m sure. So whether you still love him or not at least show him some manners and stop it right now

How do you expect to fix your marriage of your focus os on another man?

@anyfucker your direct comments always makes me laugh 😉😂

A loyal family man doesn't pursue a woman on a night out, get her number, contact her, meet her again, kiss her, text her daily; morning and night, for three years

Would you consider that an appropriate way for your own husband to behave?

As for ending it... if you truly wanted to, you would. You would just stop engaging and stop replying.
It's not any more complicated than that

Just to clarify - I did not have a long conversation with him last night. My texts were short and to the point - despite what has gone on we have lots of mutual friends and I don’t want any more bad feeling hanging over me.

He texted me during the night, when I was asleep and I didn’t reply. I haven’t spoken to him since and I won’t.

I agree that he isn’t loyal, I don’t think I’m the first or last. There could possibly be others but I don’t need to waste energy thinking about that.

As we go through life, we make mistakes and learn from them. As I said earlier, I’ve never really encountered a man like him before, I was lonely and taken in by his attention and flattery.

I am really grateful for the helpful and honest replies.

Well done OP, stay strong. This man is a complete arse hole, delete him from your life.

He sounds just like the guy I was involved with...saying we are just friends as if you made the whole thing up in your head....in total denial about the whole situation. Secret friendships are emotional affairs, end of.
It’s actually insulting when you think about it, you have invested your emotions into this and he’s took advantage of that and turns round and says it’s your fault because you are just friends and you can’t handle that. Delusional fuckwit.
He’s played you and took advantage of you. He will probably be lonely without you but remember just because he desires you doesn’t mean he values you.

I’m sorry you’ve been through similar experiences. But you sound really strong and I’m glad you’re seeing things clearly now.

He was always in denial, that’s what got to me and maybe why I posted. He made me feel as though I was going mad. I think these mixed messages kept it going for so long.

It’s also really hard to describe to others, who are maybe stronger and haven’t been through anything similar.

He wasn't in denial. He was lying to you so you would give him what he wanted when he wanted. It worked.

You have one life if you aren’t happy then you change your life. The married man bit I didn’t read your only seeing that because how your life is.

Your cheating. Your husband deserves to be with someone who doesn’t it’s not just about you. Life’s too short let your husband go don’t take any more of his life it’s not yours to waste

Married men love the attention every word is a lie but they will never leave their wives your one of many before Jesus it’s like why are women so gullible

At first he was incredibly charming and attentive but that seemed to change overnight...I’m constantly left doubting myself and my instincts.

OP, you absolutely can stop perpetuating this toxic mess. Block OM and totally disengage from him.

You have been having an emotional/sexual affair with this narcissistic manipulator who enjoys playing with your mind and feelings. He runs hot and cold to keep you unsettled, and you respond by craving more of his crumbs.

Do not be fooled that he is “in denial.” He knows very well that you are not just friends. (Would your spouses appreciate the kiss, sex chat, and over-frequent level of contact?) This is a manipulative tactic, and he is now using it to devalue and accuse you of failing. He will not relinquish control easily, so you must stay strong and totally block.

Focus on your husband and marriage. Seek another counselor and work on your boundaries and self-esteem.

Why havent you blocked him?

Why leave the door open?

OP you talk about him manipulating and playing games. That's exactly what you are doing and you are doing this to your husband.

Keep telling him its over but then getting involved again when he says 'ok'

If you had any intention of actually finishing this and looking at your marriage, you woke have blocked and deleted.

The fact that you hevant speaks volumes.

It's almost impossible for human beings to maintain a lifelong commitment to someone, so I'm not personally interested in any hand wringing about marriages not being perfect.

That said, you can form empathetic and lustful attachments to someone long distance. But you can't fall in love. You need constant proximity for that, which is confirmed by neuroscience.

I haven't read all the replies, but I'm pretty certain you'll have been told to block and delete a dozen times. If you haven't already, do this. You say you've already tried to cut it off before and failed, so you are going to need to block to conquer it.

OP I understand how hard it is. I've been a situation a bit like yours and Puffins I think.

You know what you're doing is wrong. You're not "that sort of person". But you can't stop.

It is an addiction. And one that will not improve.

You have to bite the bullet and go no contact. Yes it will feel fucking awful. And you'll have lots of what ifs. And it will take some time to get over. But there IS NO OTHER WAY.

I ended things - emotional affair - with someone who was married, a month ago. It was so hard. It's a bit less hard now. I've done the right thing.

Your turn.

Another one asking: have you actually blocked him and deleted all contact details? Until you do, you are leaving the door open for more dreary drama.

You take minimal responsibility and are behaving so incredibly selfish. You are desperate for any other person to tell you he must love you too and that you should go for it.

I feel so, so sorry for your husband and his wife. Get some self awareness, and leave the man so that he can find someone who is not a cheat. No one deserves that level of disrespect.

And as always, had the roles been reversed the majority of posters here if not all would have rightfully called the OP out. But of course, as it's a woman there's so many justifications and the other man is horrible. The OP is no victim here and is just as horrendous as the other man. Both give have no care for anyone but themselves, if he's looking for an ego boost, so is the OP.

The double standards of this site are so damn frustrating, how does it not bother more posters here? I appreciate every single one that makes a stand against the sexism and double standards, they're ridiculous and often vile.

@colouringinpro how is your NC going? I did mine one month ago. I still see him occasionally at work, but in group scenarios. It's so hard but I think about him a lot less.

@IDontEvenHaveAPla

Absolutely agree, but unfortunately on here it's to be expected. There will always be a justification for why the poster hasn't done wrong.