Married Man - does he have feelings for me?

[Pookypoo]

I’m married with children. My relationship isn’t a particularly happy one and we’ve drifted apart. We get along, but are really like housemates.

Three years ago I met a man on a night out with our mutual friends. I think he was attracted to me almost immediately, he was kind of staring at me whilst we were chatting as a group, we walked together and he brought me a drink - it’s hard to explain but I’ve never felt anything similar before. I wasn’t attracted to him and to be honest I wouldn’t have thought of him again, but he contacted me the morning after our meeting and so began a three year long, texting “friendship”.

We live hours from one another and so our paths are unlikely to cross naturally - We did however meet once more and kissed, very awkwardly - the whole short meeting was very awkward and he was incredibly nervous, shaking and just seemed terrified.

We text everyday, he says good morning most days and night most nights. He even texts every day when he’s on his family holidays. We talk about our lives (never his wife), children, work and there has been some sexual talk and in the early days an admission of feelings on both parts. He has told me he thinks the world of me and that he cares deeply, as friends! He has told me that if we stopped texting he’s not sure he could easily forget me. If life gets busy he texts to apologise for being quiet. He always replies and usually always initiates our chats.

His children are older and are starting to leave home. I’ve asked if he’s lonely but he completely flew off the handle at that suggestion. I suspect he probably is and I think I am too, despite having a job I love and great family and friends.

I do feel that over the years I’ve developed feelings for him. They can’t possibly be real though - can they?

He is extremely loyal to his family and I know he would never cheat but are we just friends, in which case is it ok to carry on communicating?

Or is this an emotional affair with feelings that neither of us are admitting to?

I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for, but have no one to talk to about this in real life.

Op. He’s trying to hurt you. As in ‘how dare you’. So acting like you’re irrelevant is the way to do it. See him for what he is now.

You have a Husband and yet you're worried about another man, who is also married, being angry at you🤔.

You do need to stop this or the only other thing that may make you see sense is for you both to be caught out either by his wife or your husband. Then the decision will no longer be in your hands. You probably won't like the outcome/fallout tho.

But we’ll done. Not stand by it. And remember you ended it. Took control of your own well-being. Now if you can block him. Don’t continue the cycle by waiting to see if he messages you again, tomorrow or next week.
And if you are tempted to message, just think of his smug face looking down at your message and smithing ‘ha, I knew she wouldn’t last and message me’

And be thankful that you are able to walk away with your marriage in tact.

Sometimes I think he wants her to know.

We have a very close mutual friend who says he’s never been happy, never wanted to get married and is basically unhappy.
Who knows whether that’s true or not. Kind of irrelevant too.

You need to shift your focus from him and his feelings and back to your own marriage.

God he sounds completely charmless....keep clear of him for a while and you will see that for yourself. If you don't block him, by the way, he WILL cause you more pain. And not blocking him is a deliberate decision to allow more pain. So, be honest with yourself about what you want.

the Man I was caught up with went on about how unhappy he was, his wife has told him she doesn’t have feelings for him, they don’t have sex or kiss, she had an affair of her own. His marriage is a shambles but you know what...he had the chance to say I’ve met someone who makes me happy. I’ve met someone who is invested in me and it came to crunch time and he didn’t take it....he has kids, a marriage certificate, fancy house and fancy car, pets, family...why would he sacrifice all that for me and only have his kids part time? No fancy house, small shitty car etc.
Then he told me he just wants friendship and I tried that numerous, numerous times and I just got hurt...because my feelings are genuine and his aren’t.
If he was so unhappy and you made him happy then he would do something wouldn’t he

Gosh you speak perfect sense.

He has never said he’s unhappy, it was a friend of ours that told me that. But yes if I make him so happy through texts.. why would he not want more of that happiness.

I’ve tried so many times to be friends but it just doesn’t work.

It's a response designed to send you frantic so you eventually message again.

Don't give this nasty little man the satisfaction.

Wish I could give you a hug op because I know what your going through. I think it’s so hard to understand this situation when you haven’t been there yourself. Before I ended up in this situation I did judge women who had affairs, and men. I thought to myself I would never do anything like that and had strong morals...funny enough I’ve found that the main cause of those morals slipping is low self esteem and past trauma. I’m not making excuses up, I did make those choices but I made those choices with my emotions running sky high and I could not see the woods from the trees, and 100 people could tell me it’s wrong and I would have still done it because I was always wanting the fantasy in my head to come true.
I think the hot and cold game these guys play keep us right on the hook too...fearing rejection and wanting more and we make ourselves look desperate by making ourselves so available to them. The irony is we constantly try and sell our worth to these guys. Look what you could have, look how great I am and look how great a partner I would be when In reality if we valued ourselves we wouldn’t be going near a married guy and we wouldn’t have to prove our worth at all.

Thanks I won’t. He did text again. He just said “I’m sorry tho!”

Now, the hard part is sticking to it

Start using your brain and block him completely from everything. Never ever communicate with him again. Given his track record of abuse, I would be prepared that he may tell your husband.

Yes I know. I feel so sad. It’s ridiculous. It can’t carry on though that’s for sure.

My self esteem is at an all time low and enough is enough.
I want to work on my marriage to at least see if it can be saved. Without anyone else in my head.

You are in love with the IDEA of love. This is not it. Block and get on with life.

He doesn’t talk about his wife for two reasons.

The first is he doesn’t want to lose your interest.

The second is he doesn’t want to include her in something sordid.

Ignore him. Block him. Sort things with your h or divorce and find someone single.

Just wanted to add op IF your husband ever came across any of these messages do you think for one moment that he'd actually believe that you had only met him twice and had no more than one awkward kiss?? I definitely think you've dodged a bullet here and there's a chance that you can save/rebuild your marriage if that's what you want. Please stick to your guns and continue NC it's not worth risking everything for someone who you've only been texting and is married it's really not worth it. Start texting your husband little love messages who knows you may even ignite that spark again.

Well done on getting rid. Please block him on everything so you won't receive his messages or be tempted to message him.

The holidays are coming up and it's a perfect time to throw yourself into your family and yourself.

Make yourself send some sweet or sexy texts to your husband. He'd probably love it.

Do something nice for yourself. Start a project you've been meaning to do.

Plan some fun things with your kids and with your DH.

You clearly have lots of love to give, so give it to your family; the ones who truly love you.

Tell a relative how much they mean to you.
Once you become fully engaged in your family and friends who are right there, you'll feel better.

He is extremely loyal to his family and I know he would never cheat

No he isn't and you weren't/aren't to your husband either. MN really amazes me with threads like this. If you were a man you'd have had a new arse torn for you by now.

In my book, you cheated, you may not have actually had sex, but you kissed and over text you admitted it got sexual. Pure and simple cheating.

"it’s hard to explain but I’ve never felt anything similar before" - it's called fantasy.

Affairs are not about reality, they are about escaping problems and projecting onto the other person, who REFLECTS what you want to feel, back.

You are both taking time, thought and emotional energy out of your marriage. That is theft. You are both deceiving your partners (who you are both neglecting in favour of fantasy) - so yes, its cheating.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
We had a conversation last night. I tried to explain that what we had was dysfunctional and damaging, to us and our families.

He started saying I was trying to cause a row and that he’d tried and tried to be friends. That he was sorry I couldn’t do it. He then texted again in the early hours saying “when will it end?” Even though I’d explained that it had ended.

I’m not going to give him anymore head space now. I’ve taken on board all of the practical tips for getting things back on track in my life and I do feel it’ll be hard but best in the long term.

I’m not a victim I know that but I have got myself into a complete mess.

Thanks again.

You didn't need that last chat, he should have been blocked already, and if he had been you wouldn't have seen the early morning one. You are not dealing with it, you are playing the game. BLOCK AND DELETE.

You are not dealing with it, you are playing the game. BLOCK AND DELETE.

^ this

Op. You know what needs to be done. Stop convincing yourself that this is ok. There is nothing more to be said. Get him out of your life for good.