Married Man - does he have feelings for me?

[Pookypoo]

I’m married with children. My relationship isn’t a particularly happy one and we’ve drifted apart. We get along, but are really like housemates.

Three years ago I met a man on a night out with our mutual friends. I think he was attracted to me almost immediately, he was kind of staring at me whilst we were chatting as a group, we walked together and he brought me a drink - it’s hard to explain but I’ve never felt anything similar before. I wasn’t attracted to him and to be honest I wouldn’t have thought of him again, but he contacted me the morning after our meeting and so began a three year long, texting “friendship”.

We live hours from one another and so our paths are unlikely to cross naturally - We did however meet once more and kissed, very awkwardly - the whole short meeting was very awkward and he was incredibly nervous, shaking and just seemed terrified.

We text everyday, he says good morning most days and night most nights. He even texts every day when he’s on his family holidays. We talk about our lives (never his wife), children, work and there has been some sexual talk and in the early days an admission of feelings on both parts. He has told me he thinks the world of me and that he cares deeply, as friends! He has told me that if we stopped texting he’s not sure he could easily forget me. If life gets busy he texts to apologise for being quiet. He always replies and usually always initiates our chats.

His children are older and are starting to leave home. I’ve asked if he’s lonely but he completely flew off the handle at that suggestion. I suspect he probably is and I think I am too, despite having a job I love and great family and friends.

I do feel that over the years I’ve developed feelings for him. They can’t possibly be real though - can they?

He is extremely loyal to his family and I know he would never cheat but are we just friends, in which case is it ok to carry on communicating?

Or is this an emotional affair with feelings that neither of us are admitting to?

I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for, but have no one to talk to about this in real life.

Walk away - quickly! If it gets aggressive tell him you’ll go to the police, and his wife won’t like that will she?

I’ve been trying to limit contact and a few weekends ago suggested no weekend texts- so we can both focus on our family. He rather reluctantly agreed I do feel calmer and less anxious when we’re not in touch.

I get the impression he's quite a bit older than the OP, is controlling and manipulative, and is no doubt enjoying the power he has over her. He's quite the bastard really.

No judgement op. It is so easy to see how these things occur. Then you wake up and realise the situation you’re in. You know you need to shut it down and walk away. Take control and do not let him manipulate you any more.

Cross posted there.

At first he was incredibly charming and attentive but that seemed to change over night after the initial few months.

Deep down my gut instinct is that he is manipulative and not a nice man, but he’s very good at it and I’m constantly left doubting myself and my instincts.

For some reason I’m finding it incredibly difficult to block him or end things.

Men like this know what to do. They mess with your head. So you become unsure of yourself. And you get stuck in a cycle of wanting their attention but allowing them to upset and manipulate you too. You can stop it.

You’re probably addicted. It is hard to break away. But you can do it. It will be hard to begin with, but you can work through it.

"I think I was lonely, unhappy and he maybe picked up on this".

There is no maybe about it. That is precisely what he did; he targeted you and master manipulators do exactly this behaviour. You are being well and truly strung along here by him, he knows exactly what he is doing here. You are indeed stuck in the cycle of wanting his attention but allowing him to upset and manipulate you.

Neither man is right for you OP and you would be far better off on your own.

He's aggressive if you try to assert an opinion. Never a good sign

You must be very vulnerable to have ended up in thrall to an aggressive man you don't even like

One very effective solution to end the deadlock is to tell your husband and see where the pieces fall

Another is to seek counselling to help you make sense of why you have allowed this to happen

Best of all is to find the strength to sort your own mess out, what with being a grown adult but you haven't been able to do it so far so I doubt you will do it now

You are having an affair. Act accordingly.

Is there a possibility that he would send your messages to your husband if you cut him off now?

No, I’m pretty sure that would never happen.

If I told him I wanted to cut contact he would either say something like “ok, take care!” and be completely indifferent or he would ask why I was trying to fall out with him.
Also, I don’t think he would take it too seriously as I’ve done it many times before but never stuck to it.
I think there’s definitely an element of addiction on both our parts.

I did seek counselling over the summer. Had about six sessions and we talked about this but I don’t think it helped much. He knew I was having counselling. He seemed to genuinely want the best for me. He knows I’m not very happy in my relationship.

MN never disappoints when a woman is a cheat, such understanding. Had you been a man, you would have had your arse handed to you OP.

I just want to ask you one question, how would you feel if your husband was speaking the way you do and acting the way you are with another woman? I bet my life you'd definitely play the distraught wife.

Also, be decent enough to stop doing this to another woman. Surely you can comprehend that much?

There’s no need to be rude. Yes, I can comprehend that much, I think it’s for him to think of his wife and for me to think of my husband and family. Which I am doing right now.

I don’t know her, he never ever mentions her. Even though as we’re just friends you think he would. I talk about my husband to him, never in a derogatory way, just in an everyday chatty way.

Just block his number, then. If he doesn't seem bothered either way, he isn't.

Then you can concentrate upon whether there is a way back for your marriage or not.

Op. You can keel talking about this. But really you just need to say something like ‘this isn’t what I want anymore. I wish you well but we can’t continue to be in contact’
And then just block and delete. It will sting. But you will have some dignity and have made the decision in your terms.
Then allow yourself some time and try to focus on your marriage and family.

You’re right. I need to do it and it will sting but not as much as the hurt continuing to text will cause to others.

His reaction when you talk about ending doesn't sound "aggressive" it sounds like he doesn't give a fuck.

Op, be honest here at least with yourself. You are just as guilty as him in keeping this shitshow on the road. Do you reopen contact with him when he goes quiet on you? Why haven't you used it as an opportunity to break frree ?

Don't try and place yourself as the victim here. It's pretty fucking transparent what you are doing, tbh

Block him. Ghost him.

Then you will have to face the stark reality of your marriage. I can see why you want to keep using the OM as a distraction method. Tough. The sooner you do something about your unhappy marriage the better it will be in the end.

The op isn’t the victim. But he sounds manipulative and plays with her head. He will act not bothered because he won’t want you to think you have any effect on him. Men like that all act the same. It’s all about them and their ego.

I do feel calmer and less anxious when we’re not in touch.

@Pookypoo I think this is guilt - I think you feel bad for your DH.

Stop contacting him, it’s basically one big tease.