Married Man - does he have feelings for me?

[Pookypoo]

I’m married with children. My relationship isn’t a particularly happy one and we’ve drifted apart. We get along, but are really like housemates.

Three years ago I met a man on a night out with our mutual friends. I think he was attracted to me almost immediately, he was kind of staring at me whilst we were chatting as a group, we walked together and he brought me a drink - it’s hard to explain but I’ve never felt anything similar before. I wasn’t attracted to him and to be honest I wouldn’t have thought of him again, but he contacted me the morning after our meeting and so began a three year long, texting “friendship”.

We live hours from one another and so our paths are unlikely to cross naturally - We did however meet once more and kissed, very awkwardly - the whole short meeting was very awkward and he was incredibly nervous, shaking and just seemed terrified.

We text everyday, he says good morning most days and night most nights. He even texts every day when he’s on his family holidays. We talk about our lives (never his wife), children, work and there has been some sexual talk and in the early days an admission of feelings on both parts. He has told me he thinks the world of me and that he cares deeply, as friends! He has told me that if we stopped texting he’s not sure he could easily forget me. If life gets busy he texts to apologise for being quiet. He always replies and usually always initiates our chats.

His children are older and are starting to leave home. I’ve asked if he’s lonely but he completely flew off the handle at that suggestion. I suspect he probably is and I think I am too, despite having a job I love and great family and friends.

I do feel that over the years I’ve developed feelings for him. They can’t possibly be real though - can they?

He is extremely loyal to his family and I know he would never cheat but are we just friends, in which case is it ok to carry on communicating?

Or is this an emotional affair with feelings that neither of us are admitting to?

I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for, but have no one to talk to about this in real life.

You've met twice? So you are being tormented by a pen pal?

It sounds like one of those money cons where old women give money to people bullying them on the phone and the audience thinks, "How could someone be so easily remotely controlled like that?" But it happens enough to be a real thing for whatever reason.

Again, delete, block, move on, don't look back.

The more I read the more I think you both know exactly what you are doing.

I have to wonder what exactly he thinks he's getting out of it. He's clearly controlling and probably enjoys the hold he has on you but isn't in it for the sex...which makes him seem more dangerous IMO. Walk away and do it now.

I think you know deep down what you need to do and that he isn't the right man for you but you probably also like the attention and 'escape' from your own life if you aren't happy. We are all human OP and make mistakes. You need to find happiness in your own life whether than be to part with your OH or try to both work on your relationship you also need to block this guy.

I’m definitely not a victim but I do try to always see the best in people. Maybe he is lonely and just wants a friend. Maybe he likes me as much as I like him.

Is that possible?

@ drogon1 could you explain why that makes him even more dangerous?

Op. He prob likes how you make him feel. But you prob could be anyone really. But it doesn’t change anything. Stop trying to romanticise it. He’s not that kind. He’s selfish and it’s all on his terms.
How would you feel if your husband was doing the same with another woman?
Listen to the advice. Accept the hurt. And leave it behind.

Trust me when I say this because unfortunately I have had a similar experience and learned the hard way...your an ego stroke to him, a distraction. Someone to pick up when he’s bored and alone. You fill in the gaps.
He will not leave his wife for you and most likely he’s still sleeping with her.
It’s the most god awful experience to fall for someone who isn’t available. You will always be 2nd best to his wife, always. You can’t compete with someone who he has a shared history with, children, family. End of.

Does your self esteem not suffer? When you know your 2nd best, picked up and dropped? Used as a cheap thrill in his life? A bit of conversation and sexy talk then put back in the box again? I’m not judging you because like I said I’ve been in your shoes and my self confidence and worth hit rock bottom. I’ve spent a year working on myself and my issues and had to dig deep. I finally admit that any person who values themselves and their self respect will not go near a married man physically or emotionally like that.
If you aren’t happy in your marriage then you need to water your own grass because investing your time, energy and emotions in this man will cost you everything at some point and you won’t walk away with either men on your arm. Think hard.

Wondering about his feelings and what he might do is all part of the addiction. Bin him off permanently and try to find happiness, with or without your husband, in real life...this guy is not worth a second of your time tbh....

@Puffins32 thanks - yes my self esteem has suffered massively. Wondering why sometimes I’m good enough for a chat sometimes I’m not.

I know he’s sleeping with his wife, he must be. I’ve wondered if the sexy chat with me is when things aren’t good with her.

I’m going to end it tonight.

Also just want to say that cutting him off will sting and it will be hard, I’m sure you know as you have done it before but this time it’s for good, it’s not to make him miss you, it’s for you.
I’m two months in no contact with mine and I’m in pain...but it’s a never ending cycle of hurt every single time and I refuse to spend another year of my life hurting myself...it’s not him that’s hurting you it’s you. You make your choices, you know he’s bad news, you know there is no future with him and you know that it’s never going to work out in any way so you need to end it. Take control of your own life...when the dust settles and you can zoom out of the picture a bit then you can really see what’s going on with yourself and make logical decisions.
It’s completely like an addiction but you have got this, you can move on.

You can do this op. Don’t turn it into a drama when you end it. Leave with your dignity don’t give him the chance to kick you. Just say it, then block.

puffin your words are so true. It’s very very hard. But each day is a step further away. I’m a year or so on. And it hurt a lot. But I’m in a much better place now.

The thing is I’m in pain when we are texting. Feel so strongly for him, but knowing he doesn’t really care.
Not even enough to hear my voice on the phone.

It’s the hot and cold of it op. I look back at it now and although there were highs. Overall I was miserable and I think it made me depressed for a short while. Now I see it for what it was and I see him for how he behaved too.

And it is an addiction. And so you should treat it like one.

The good thing about blocking is you can start to move on. Without finding every day he's silent like a kick in the guts. If he is blocked you don't have to face him not wanting to text...if that makes sense? Because you know he can't? Deffo hurts way less!! And you need to think about your feelings, not his.

I know if I say it tonight he’ll be angry

I took back control. Cut him dead and haven’t spoken to him in over a year now. He has no idea how I feel or the effect he had. It really was the right thing to do.

What would his wife or your husband think if they saw the messages? If it would be a jaw drop moment then you know it's wrong.

Stop contact with this man. He's no-good. He knows you're unhappy married and is playing on that by distracting you from life whilst not offering you a thing beyond messages.

Anyone can sound 'nice' when they're enjoying playing the game. Bet if his wife found out she'd tear him a new one and he'd drop you like a stone.

You are his distraction too but he doesn't want you to be his reality.

It can be easy to find yourself in such a situation when you're unhappy but honestly, you need to face up to and deal with real life. If you are choosing to stay where you're not happy then you have lots to unpack - and you dont need Mr Unavailable and his lead-nowhere texts confusing matters.

So what if he is angry? Hang up the phone. Then block him. The anger will be him raging into the wind. You won't see or hear any of it.

Op, he’ll be angry because you will be calling the shots. So what. This is about you and your own marriage. You owe him nothing. Just send him a message and then block. Rip the plaster off.

THe thing is as well when you keep going back to him after a week or two he knows your going against your own standards and boundaries, he knows you are disrespecting yourself because of how you feel about him. He doesn’t have to do anything or chase you to know that you will be back.
You have only saw him twice. Op, if he cared about you and loved you then he would make effort to see you, be with you. He isn’t doing anything. He’s using you.

How does your husband treat you? Would you say your husband loves you? You could really invest in your marriage and make it great if you let this go. You will grieve in private but you have so much potential in terms of what you do with your home situation....even if you decide to cut your losses and leave then that’s fine too. A whole new chapter is waiting on you. Just turn the page.

I’ve text him. He just said “ok bye”.

I’m not going to reply