Married Man - does he have feelings for me?

[Pookypoo]

I’m married with children. My relationship isn’t a particularly happy one and we’ve drifted apart. We get along, but are really like housemates.

Three years ago I met a man on a night out with our mutual friends. I think he was attracted to me almost immediately, he was kind of staring at me whilst we were chatting as a group, we walked together and he brought me a drink - it’s hard to explain but I’ve never felt anything similar before. I wasn’t attracted to him and to be honest I wouldn’t have thought of him again, but he contacted me the morning after our meeting and so began a three year long, texting “friendship”.

We live hours from one another and so our paths are unlikely to cross naturally - We did however meet once more and kissed, very awkwardly - the whole short meeting was very awkward and he was incredibly nervous, shaking and just seemed terrified.

We text everyday, he says good morning most days and night most nights. He even texts every day when he’s on his family holidays. We talk about our lives (never his wife), children, work and there has been some sexual talk and in the early days an admission of feelings on both parts. He has told me he thinks the world of me and that he cares deeply, as friends! He has told me that if we stopped texting he’s not sure he could easily forget me. If life gets busy he texts to apologise for being quiet. He always replies and usually always initiates our chats.

His children are older and are starting to leave home. I’ve asked if he’s lonely but he completely flew off the handle at that suggestion. I suspect he probably is and I think I am too, despite having a job I love and great family and friends.

I do feel that over the years I’ve developed feelings for him. They can’t possibly be real though - can they?

He is extremely loyal to his family and I know he would never cheat but are we just friends, in which case is it ok to carry on communicating?

Or is this an emotional affair with feelings that neither of us are admitting to?

I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for, but have no one to talk to about this in real life.

@IDontEvenHaveAPla I do agree that there is a double standard. Women are so often justified in their poor behaviour on here. Usually, placed in the role if victim regardless of what they do. The OM must be manipulating them, or the husband is so awful its justified.

It's actually quite disturbing. The amount of people who believe woman can never be responsible for their own poor behaviour. As though women arent just people and fuck up sometimes.

When a poster says her husband say he has been unhappy for years, while she thought the marriage was great posters line up to say that he is using the script. He is rewriting history to justify his behaviour.

When a woman is cheating, even saying that she has been unhappy for years and in coincides with her meeting OM, people queue up to believe she is unhappy and it was her dhs job to notice that and fix it.

But also I dont think its human behaviour. If a poster is posting about the poor behaviour of a third party, it's easy for posters to jump in vilify the third party. When a poster is talking about their own poor behaviour and getting the opportunity to post their own reasoning and justifications people are softer about it.

I know I’ve done a terrible thing, there have been times over the past years when I’ve hit lows I didn’t know existed. Deserved I’m sure!!

I don’t want him to love me, I posted here to try to get some honest opinions and practical advice. When you’ve had something in your head for so long and I’ve not really been able to talk it through, you almost start to lose any sense of perspective.

I’m not a victim, I’m not claiming to be be, but I do feel that I’ve been targeted by an incredibly skilled manipulator and narcissist. Without meaning to sound too dramatic. In rl I’m very outgoing, attractive and people generally like me. It was strange but the night we first met, I felt particularly confident and happy to be with so many old friends. I know he grilled one of our friends the following morning about me. He described it him self as a cross examination. I’m not sure why I’m saying this and will probably be accused of being big headed or similar but I think it’s relevant as I have read that it’s people like this that narcissists chose.

As for the blocking, yes it’s been hard, I said that earlier BUT I’ve taken all your advice onboard and it’s now done. You’re right sooner or later he would have contacted me again.

Thanks again, for all your help.

In rl I’m very outgoing, attractive and people generally like me.

A very high opinion of yourself. If people knew what you'd been doing, they probably wouldn't like you very much.

Yes I think you’re right - that’s why I’m determined to change and be a better person.

Op I’m not going to bash you. I know what it’s like. You are nk victim you behaved willingly. These men make you feel amazing at the start and you become hooked. You can’t see anything else but them. And then slowly they start chipping away at your confidence, hot and cold, criticisms, playing games. And you don’t even need to see them in person for this to happen. And then you feel miserable. And stuck.
You have done the right thing in blocking. He deserves it and you need to focus on whether you can save your marriage and then can only happen with the other man totally out of the picture.
Give yourself time to grieve as it will take tune to readjust without that ‘fix’ in your life.

Well done for blocking him Pooky now you can focus on giving your marriage your best shot. He really isn’t a nice man and you’ll be much better off without him in your life.

’m not a victim, I’m not claiming to be be, but I do feel that I’ve been targeted by an incredibly skilled manipulator and narcissist

You have contradicted yourself. If you werent willing to get involved with him at all, because you had a husband, then he wouldnt have had the chance.

Regardless of what info he got from your friend. You were open to him. Whether it was for an ego boost or whatever, you were open to him.

You consider yourself attractive, out going and popular. Maybe you need to look at how you really feel about yourself.

Look. You are being manipulated by him into some type of emotional affair, which you really want out of now. The fact he turns nasty when you try to stop is a major red flag for an unhealthy relationship. Fortunately you are not married r9 him so you can walk away without any repercussions. So he turns 'nasty'? So what. He's not related to you, not your employer, lives miles away and not married to you. You can say simply, this friendship is not good for me, I want to stop, so not contact me. If he does block him on all media.

@TiddlerontheRoof And neither do loyal woman. Hilarious mentioning loyalty when it comes to the man but OP is hardly loyal herself.

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I had to laugh about OP dropping narcissist so casually, typical of MN users. He’s not a narcissist, he’s just not that into you and it’s bruised your ego, and that is what you’re struggling with. If he was to leave his wife for you I imagine you wouldn’t hesitate to leave your husband.

Stop looking at faults with him and begin accounting for yourself and your own behaviour. You are not a victim nor have you been targeted, you made yourself available and continuously have done.

As mentioned before, if you have some decency, tell your husband and let him decide if he wants to remain with a cheat or find better. I would love to know how you’d feel if this was your husband doing this to you.

Great that you’ve blocked him, OP, and can draw an indelible line under the whole thing. Definitely take it as a wake up call though and address why you fell for it, and look at your marriage afresh.

Every time you start to think of him, just repeat "focus on my own house"

Fact is he doesn't love you and you do not love him. How do you have time for this in your life with a dh and dcs? If you have any dignity you will leave your dh or care
I wouldn't even bother with a married man like ever. We have all been there when a married man tries to come across all sweet and charming although HE IS MARRIED. I would also think about contacting his wife as I bet she is living a life of sh##. His children and your's are also being distorted as the energy they deserve are not going on them. Haveing an affair doesn't always mean sex. You are both as bad as eachother. When you have extra marital sex then the outher partner gets the choice to end the relationship. When you so say fall in love and haveing a emotional relationship the outher partner doesn't get the choice. Emotional affairs are much worse as there seems to be no ending. For anyone.

Well done Pooky you've done the right thing blocking him. Take care.

@friedeggqueen Thanks for asking. The first week was the worst. I still miss him loads but it is a bit easier with some distance. Was in the town he lives in at the weekend which was shit. But hey ho. Has to be done.