I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

I am confused though, is it the fetish or the lies you find so abhorrent? Because one seems to have led to the other! If you accept he will always have this fetish then you demand he doesn't indulge it with porn, and he is driven to indulge this fetish with porn it follows that as long as he has this fetish he will feel compelled to lie about it.

Has he ever lied about anything else? If he had how would you feel?

Thank you lookatthebabypenguin, that's very kind of you. I guess rationally there are good men out the, but you're absolutely right, there are a lot of bad men, who can spot people like me a mile off. I will look at the freedom programme. He's not abusing me, as you've picked up, but i am afraid of finding someone who would. I'm afraid of finding no one. I'm afraid of wishing i hadn't thrown this away (although of course it's him who's done that).

He's the type of person who would have another relationship very quickly, because he's charismatic and sweet and interesting. Part of me doesn't want to break up because I'd be jealous, which I know isn't my right.

And yes, if he'd repeatedly lied about anything else, i would have been just as devastated.

@JazzyJelly. I think you need to sit down with your DH today and tell him what you’ve found. Allow him to explain his sorry self. Once youve heard him say “sorry” and “I’ll never do it again” 1000 times, calmly tell him he needs to leave the house as he’s broken your trust. If need be, have a bag pre packed for him. Hand it to him and tell him not to come back. Block his number for at least 2 weeks and give yourself the space you need to process how you feel. Book a counselling session for yourself in this time. Be kind to yourself and speak with a trusted friend in real life.

Can i do that? It's his house too.

I would find it very controlling if someone tried to dictate what type of porn I'm allowed to watch. (As long as it's legal, obviously)

Just tell him you need your space and you want him gone for a bit. Or, if you prefer, you leave the house for a bit.
You need head space and time away. Otherwise, you’ll feel repulsed and angry being near him all the time.

You're right, i am repulsed and angry. The issue is neither of us has anywhere else to go. I'm away for the working week, which might help, but I know he'll be looking at this stuff and lying to me every day during that time.

I totally understand OP, I have the same situation except in my 50s and no kids at home. My husband hides it very well but i know what he wAtches and how often and to me it's weird (his is all lesbian stuff) and it gives me the creeps. He has told me before he would watch it very occasionally when away from home-- but that certainly isn't the case. Like you say what annoys me mostly is the lying, I am still undecided whether to tell him to sod off or be really frank and say he can watch as much as he likes but whilst he is doing this his sex life is on hold because it's a total bloody turn off for me. It's not all about the ethical for me either, it's the fact I find it incredibly disrespectful to feel entitled to watch it so much when he knows it pisses me off. Unlike other people's partners who lose interest it sends my H the other way so he's always rubbing up against you in bed etc and personally I can feel myself thinking 'go away'

Oh and I too think about the fact I would struggle to meet anyone else not watching it, who is also good looking, well dressed , interesting job etc who I actually get in with and he would easily waltz into a relationship with some 40 something who doesn't care about porn use, I think I would resign myself to being single to be honest because I really don't like the feeling of not knowing someone quite as well as you thought and a lack of emotional honesty !

I think those of us with trauma, especially interpersonal and childhood trauma, feel that need for safety in relationships even more intensely than untraumatised people. We know how precious and fragile it can be, and it wasn't there in our lives when it should have been and when we needed it. There's an acute pain when it's threatened.
I know this applies to me that's why I've taken the lying so badly. Getting space is so difficult with 3 dcs in the mix, we should be doing things as a family instead I am trying to hide.

I do get the biological clock think, I really do. Some form of counselling would help I think, I'm hoping it's going to help me. I think it is completely disrespectful too user, in some ways you are in a much better position to make a move now that dcs are no longer at home. I'm left feeling kind of trapped.

Me too, I think I would resign myself to being single user but OP has a desire to have children, this leaves her in a slightly different place.

The issue is neither of us has anywhere else to go.

Hotel? Airbnb? Friends? Family? To be honest, it isn’t your problem where he goes. He’s royally fucked up. If he wants your relationship to work, he needs to give you the space and time you need/deserve to process your feelings. It’s impossible to do that when he’s living right under you. Surely he will have already noticed something isn’t right.

I agree user, it's a complete turn off, knowing you're being lied to and disrespected.

Yes Wizard, he's noticed something is very wrong. I don't know that i feel strong enough to say yet though, as everything would fall apart then. Just in time for Christmas.

Disgusted at the voyeurs pestering OP to say what the porn is. Leave it alone.

All men do NOT watch porn, that is nonsense. And for OP it’s clearly the lying and the breach of trust as much as the porn.

You’ve got a few good years ahead of you OP. Leaving is the right thing. You can’t live like this. 💐

@JazzyJelly there will never be a “right” time to do this. If you feel you can keep up the charade & not communicate to him what you’ve found and how you feel, so be it. However, I think you’ll find you might feel better if you discuss this with him in real life.

Twiddlemuff is right op, you have a got a good few years ahead of you and I am an older mum (had my children late) so it is doable (but of course there are no guarantees).
It's a complete turn off on many levels agreed.
I feel a bit of an idiot because I used to revel in how well I'd done in turning my life around (v. dysfunctional family growing up) and whilst what my dh has done isn't a massive crime, it has certainly shook me up and has sort of cancelled out all the other things that he does well and I can now imagine how my mother got to dislike my father so much whereas I thought I was different and had found a wonderful dh - this has taken me right back to all of those unhappy times when the tension in the air was palpable.
It isn't a nice feeling, thinking that you don't even like your dh, let alone anything else, hoping time will pass and I will lose a lot of the resentment. The fact that you are questioning whether you should leave says to me that you have more self esteem than you think. Do you have anyone else in r.l with whom you could talk?

Agree with Wizard, I think you are going to have to talk to your dh before long (write it down if this helps). I think you mentioned you are working away - the evenings might give you time to organise your thoughts and what you would like to say to him upon your return?

My ex husband had a porn addiction and it repulsed me too but he still did it and he treated me badly in lots of ways, including sexually. We have two children together and when they were of the age when they were starting to get into using the Internet, I put a total block on adult content on the router and he went ballistic and said, amongst other things, 'what am I supposed to do??' I should have seen the light then but it took a few more years before I finally found the courage to get rid of him. I would seriously think hard about bringing children into the world with a father with a porn addiction. My son who is 15, watches porn from time to time and I know it's a normal teenage thing. I have said to him that I don't have a problem with it but that he has to relise that women don't want to be treated like that. I showed him the sex scene from Top Gun and said THAT is how women like to be treated. Fortunately I have found the latter now....🤣

I talked to my best friend about it all the first time it happened. Honestly, I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I'm in that situation again and don't want to admit it to anyone. Stupid, i know.

I'm going to try to clear my head this week, and I've sent an email to relate requesting a session.

Sadly, I think you will struggle to find a man who never looks at porn.

The lying and not been open about it is a whole different issue though :-(

You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

All you’ve done is trust your husband. He’s broken your trust. He should feel ashamed and embarrassed.

He should, you're right, and probably will. Just not enough to stop doing it or stop lying to me.

He might stop doing it/stop lying to you if you tell him to leave, or you stay away for a couple of weeks. He’ll hopefully come to his senses and realise what he’ll lose.

If you even need to ask, then I'm afraid you've answered your own question :(

Sorry, I know it's likely not what you were hoping to hear.

Staying with a man just so you don't 'miss the boat' with motherhood is really not a good idea. You simply end up as a single parent struggling with a collapsed marriage and an ex who won't ever be the parent you'd hoped for for your DC. Better to either start as a single parent ( sperm donation etc) or split first and start looking for a new partner who you CAN trust and love.

Unfortunately, a nice house and maybe holidays and a car are NEVER going to make you be able to trust him again, so unless you're happy to resign yourself to an unhappy marriage, but maybe a DC or two and a nice house (forever !), then FGS leave and start to forge your OWN future which at least has a chance of being happy.