You are not damaged goods. Please don't talk about yourself that way. It's not true.
I feel really sad for you. How much you're hurting, how difficult your trauma is making all this. If you were a friend of mine I wouldn't want you to feel embarrassed, I would just want to be there for you. Do you have any friends close to you who understand trauma and how it affects you?
I get the impression reading through your posts that lots of your fears and feelings about potentially ending this relationship are shaped a lot by your trauma. Which is entirely understandable and does not mean they are wrong, but recognising where they come from might help how you manage them. Even if it's just to tell yourself "it's understandable this is upsetting for me" and being compassionate that way.
I think those of us with trauma, especially interpersonal and childhood trauma, feel that need for safety in relationships even more intensely than untraumatised people. We know how precious and fragile it can be, and it wasn't there in our lives when it should have been and when we needed it. There's an acute pain when it's threatened.
So I get why you would be frightened that you might never find the safety you once had in this relationship with anyone else and why that fear might be utterly paralysing for you.
It is okay for that to be important to you. It is okay that you feel afraid.
But there will be other people with whom you can build safe relationships. There are other people who understand trauma or can learn to understand trauma. There are other people who will be and can be patient and caring towards you. You are worth other people's patience and kindness.
Your trauma and how it affects you is not some shameful flaw or failing on your part. It's not a weakness or shameful secret you need to conceal. It's just a difficult thing you have to deal with, but that you are continuing to manage and learning how to manage. It is not something you need to hide or apologise for or try to compensate people for "putting up with".
Really, it's no different to if you had a hearing impairment or chronic physical illness or mobility issue. Some people you built friendships and relationships with would already have experience and knowledge of how things needed to be tweaked for you, and some people would learn as they got to know you. But good people all would.
Anybody worth having in your life and close to you would be willing to learn and willing to adapt to your needs without any resentment or throwing it back in your face. I mean, if your partner had a hearing impairment and that meant you had to learn to be more thoughtful about not covering your mouth when you spoke to them, you just would, right? It's the same.
It's scary to start with, but decent people are accepting of a brief explanation of "due to difficult past experiences, I find xyz difficult, so ... I might need to take myself outside for a few minutes sometimes / would you please do abc instead of def / people doing x frightens me" etc.
A first relationship ending is difficult and distressing for anybody. Even more so for you because of your past and this being your first experience of safety in a relationship. Please don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. Grieving that loss is natural and important for you to be able to move forward (even though it hurts like hell right now - it will pass).
One way to look at it that may help is to bear in mind that this shows safe relationships are possible. Ending the relationship doesn't erase those experiences of feeling safe and cared for - they stay with you and you can reconnect with them if you want to regardless of his physical presence in your life. They've also taught you they're worth having and important to you - that's a big thing. You could have ended up not knowing what they were like and not realising a life without abuse was even possible or worth having.
Now you've experienced safety you will recognise it again. You know it's worth having. You'll be able to recognise the positive experiences you've had when you find them again and that will help you when you're building new relationships, whether friends or intimate partners.
And you will have learnt and grown from these experiences.
There is no need to launch into new relationships immediately, but I wonder if doing the Freedom Programme course would help you feel more confident and hopeful about your ability to protect yourself from abusive people in future. Because I do get why you would be apprehensive about that. It feels like a huge risk, right?
The Freedom Programme course covers the dynamics of abusive relationships (so not just a checklist of examples of abuse, but the motivations, intentions and beliefs that drive it) and contrasts them with healthy relationships so you can build your baseline of what you expect and what is reasonable. It also covers early warning signs and how to spot the difference between control and care.
You can read more here - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
It's not therapy, just info, so you wouldn't have to share or talk about your life. You could just listen, maybe ask questions, and then take the information away.
It made me feel less despairing about the future and that it could be safe to get close to people again. Before I felt powerless and like I had no way to filter out or protect myself from inadvertently ending up in another abuser's web, but afterwards I realised that wasn't true and I did have the tools to make sure the people in my life were safe and to be able to trust my instincts about where my boundaries were and what it was reasonable to object to.
Sorry this is so epic, I just wanted you to know you're not alone and share some of the things that have helped me find hope again. 