How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

Op, have you arranged to see this guy?

It does seem as though it's a bit one-sided, that he isn't actually meeting you. That you phone him. Is there any reason why you can't pull back and let him do the running?

I'm sorry if this is blunt, If he was really keen on you, you'd know. He'd be seeing you the whole time. You'd just know.

Letting him see he has mildly upset you is not an example of playing it cool, or being less of a doormat, it’s the opposite. It’s showing how much he can affect you. Don’t always be available. Cut a conversation short, say I’ll phone you back and then don’t, cancel occasionally. Do it all nicely and apologetically but show you have other things going on in your life and you’re not desperate to cling onto every chance as if it’s your last.

@Karwomannghia

Letting him see he has mildly upset you is not an example of playing it cool, or being less of a doormat, it’s the opposite. It’s showing how much he can affect you.

This was sort of what I was saying above. That making a fuss about a boundary isn't actually enforcing a boundary which is what I tend to do. I think the only way you can have healthy boundaries is to just walk away from someone treating you badly or to be willing to walk which comes out in your behaviour.

I really struggle with this when I'm in love or have feelings.

I know that it wasn’t necessarily particularly high value or asserting my boundaries but I think that it was still important for me to show how I feel. I hate conflict and rarely let on how I really feel. I think that he needed to know that he hurt me.

The situation was this...

He used to be my boss but now works elsewhere so he knows the exact nature of my job. I got contacted by my work to say that they’re so pleased with me that they are promoting me 6 months early. This also avoids me having to do an extra compulsory year that has only come in recently. So I have saved 1.5 years on the career ladder. I work part time so this is actually 3 years saved.

I was pleased, told Mr X and asked what he thought.

In the meantime it came up that I’m going away for the weekend to another city. He wanted to know why and who with. This was by text and it’s complicated to explain so I said I would tell him on the phone when we speak on Monday/Tuesday. He was very persistent and throughout the text exchange asked another 5 times.

Eventually he said that his honest opinion is that I’m not ready to do the new job. This really hurt because everyone else thinks I’m ready or will be by the start date. We had a clash. I said that I’ll prove him wrong and it was obvious that he had hurt/annoyed me. Normally I would never let on.

Thoughts please!! Thanks.

Op, have you arranged to see this guy?
Yes we have arranged a day to meet.

What’s the reason for the heavy phone calls rather than meeting for dates - his availability?
We both have really busy jobs and are ‘just friends’ so not a dating situation. Yet.

Is there any reason why you can't pull back and let him do the running?
I want to. I’m scared he would just disappear.

Pull way back op! You are not being at all high value.

Stop with the texting and calling

Make him do the running

If he disappears he’s not worth it anyway

It’s mind of his business where and why and who you’re going away with!

*none

Stop with the texting and calling Well the last 3 times he has called me. I do text him though but hopefully not a disgraceful amount.

I would be really pissed off that he said that, OP.

He should be congratulating you.

I wonder if he's pushing your boundaries to see what he can get away with?

It’s none of his business where and why and who you’re going away with!
I know. It was clearly completely frustrating him that he didn’t know why. At the end he said “Go and enjoy your weekend away with your new friends” which sounded a bit like a petulant child. I didn’t tell him who they are. Maybe he will be too proud to ask next week.

I would be really pissed off that he said that, OP.
I was a bit annoyed (remember that I rarely feel anger!). If I were him and if I had genuine reservations I would say “That’s fantastic news! Well done. Obviously there’s still a bit of work to be done before you’ll be ready but you’ll get there. Let me know if I can help you. It will be a steep learning curve but you can do it. You’ll be great!”. That’s what I would say. In fact, I sent him a very similar text when he started his new job which he wasn’t feeling 100% ready for.

I wonder if he's pushing your boundaries to see what he can get away with?
He’s extremely cocky but I think there’s a basis of insecurity there.

"In the meantime it came up that I’m going away for the weekend to another city. He wanted to know why and who with. This was by text and it’s complicated to explain so I said I would tell him on the phone when we speak on Monday/Tuesday. He was very persistent and throughout the text exchange asked another 5 times.

Eventually he said that his honest opinion is that I’m not ready to do the new job"

Two red flags right there.

Firstly, it's none of his business what you're doing and he should have dropped it. Demanding the answer is not respectful behaviour and indicates that in a relationship he will probably be even more demanding, possibly a bit of a bully and a bit jealous/controlling about your life.

Secondly, the only appropriate response for a friend, boyfriend or partner to the wonderful news about your promotion is CONGRATULATIONS. Closely followed by you've earned this, you'll be great, I'm so happy for you. I expect because he used to be your boss he thinks he is superior to you and can be the judge of your abilities. Well that's not an equal power dynamic to base a relationship on.

You need to step back from this guy. I think you should take a break from dating for a while.

Demanding the answer is not respectful behaviour and indicates that in a relationship he will probably be even more demanding, possibly a bit of a bully and a bit jealous/controlling about your life.
I think he did this partly because we’re very close and I normally share a lot with him. Imagine it’s like we are boyfriend and girlfriend but I’m being very vague and it was frustrating for him. He gave up eventually after asking 6 times.

I expect because he used to be your boss he thinks he is superior to you and can be the judge of your abilities. Well that's not an equal power dynamic to base a relationship on.
Oddly this is the first time we have discussed work related issues since he left a year ago.

Those are some big red flags about him.

Why on earth did you make close friends with your boss?

Towards the end of the text exchange, after I said that I would prove him wrong, he said that he’s rarely wrong. He also asked if he was exasperating enough because I called him that the other day over an equally frustrating issue. Obviously he was joking. I agreed that he was very exasperating. He then said something that annoyed me. He said that despite him being so exasperating I still keep coming back for more punishment.

So cocky! So arrogant!

Why on earth did you make close friends with your boss?
We just really hit it off. In some ways we’re ridiculously similar and we’re fascinated by how opposite we are in other ways.

There is no “we”.

Why would you want to be similar to someone who is insecure/arrogant (it’s not Ok to be “cocky” to hide insecurity) and unsupportive of his friends’/girlfriends’ career?

You’re making another poor decision with him.

I think that many of us have insecurities. I find his arrogance and cockiness attractive. I like a supremely confident man! I guess that’s a weakness of mine.

From his perspective, he just thinks that he’s giving an honest opinion. Do you think he’s negging?

Sure, we all have insecurities, we don’t all mask them with dickish behaviour.

If he was “supremely confident” he wouldn’t display cockiness/arrogance or do you down.

If you’re attracted to arrogant men, that’s another problem you should seek to address before dating again.

Can there be arrogant men who are worthy of my attention!? I do love an arrogant man. 😱