How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

I think he’s trying to look cool.

And he’s succeeding.

Yaaaay that’s great news

Yaaaay that’s great news
I thought I was going to be in trouble??!

You could always cancel nearer the time! Very apologetically of course...

Another update. I had my initial discussion with a counsellor/psychotherapist this afternoon. We really got on well and she seems like the perfect balance of helping me address some issues that I want to address like boundary setting but also she wants to explore some of the emotional things that I prefer to suppress. I’m really happy and feel like my life is going to get a lot better.

Thinking back, I used to have a job I hated, an eating disorder and troubled relationships. I left my job and retrained in a career that I absolutely love. I have never met anyone who loves their job more than me! I sought practical help to cure my eating disorder and I’m very happy to say that, after 25 years of being a slave to it, I’m happily 99% cured. The remaining issue is my relationships. I wish I had done this work 20 years earlier but it is what it is. At least I’m doing it now and not in 20 years time!! I’m feeling full of hope for a happy life.

That’s great, you’ve already accomplished a lot! Hope the work with the counsellor is useful.

Well done. That's great news.

Thank you.

Wonderful update! Very happy for you - onwards and upwards

All sounds very positive, well done you

OP this thread has been a tremendous source of inspiration for me. I recognise myself in a lot of your posts.
I'm learning to not rationalise my decisions too much, that if I have to explain myself it's probably not a good thing.
I wish you well. Keep up with the therapy. I find it invaluable because I was taught to suppress my emotions, be quiet and good, defer to men etc. Met and married an utter pig of a man and have really been through the wringer.

I have some self worth but low self esteem. Sounds a contradiction, however for me it means I intellectually know I deserve good relationships, it's just the heart and mind are taking a while to catch up.
All the very best to you

I had some bad news today. Nothing horrendous but enough to squash my bubble, if not burst it. The funny thing is that the only person I wanted to tell was my friend Mr X. I’ve texted him. He’ll be busy at work but I know he’ll reply later. I just had a little cry. Not about the news but because I have realised how strongly I feel about him and it has scared me a bit.

aufaitaccompli
I’m so happy the thread has helped you too. Feel free to PM me if you want to.

Sorry you had bad news.

With your current prospective boyfriend having previously been a friend, and your past tendency to “fall hard, fast” (unwise) you’re at even higher risk of overinvesting and getting hurt if he doesn’t want a relationship of the kind you would like. Suggest being very clear about your boundaries with him, and seeking to establish, very early on, what he’s looking for.

@Hresdyu

To answer you question about "how can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva" I don't think it's possible if you aren't prepared to walk away which given your comments about this new guy you aren't.

This is something I have trouble with too - see username! I think the root of it is whether you at heart you believe in abundence or scarcity in dating.

What I mean by that is if you believe there are tons of men in the world who will suit you and be interested in you if you are open to it then if someone isn't treating you right you move on. If you believe very few men in the world will suit you and are interested in you, then when you find one who is a 'close enough' you will cling like a limpet and be too scared to rock the boat.

Your example of sending dates and not getting a reply is a case in point. A high value woman would figure a man worth her time would be biting her hand off to see her for a date because he's luck to be in with a chance. She might give him another shot if he had a good reason for not responding like a death in the family or an injury but otherwise she'd be on to the next suitor and not worrying about it.

Someone like me would be angsting about him not calling, might call him out on it when he did get in touch and make a fuss and feel like that was conveying a boundary when really it is just hot air about conveying a boundary. A real boundary is knowing the treatment is bad and not accepting it and showing that by walking away.

If you aren't willing to walk away, then you can't be anything other than a doormat. If you see the man as Mr Right or Mr Nearly Right that you can't walk away from, that it the problem right there.

Very well said!

Spinelessjello
You’re completely right. I see scarcity rather than abundance. I’m clinging on to this friend because I think he’s extraordinarily special. I think he’s the most special guy I have met in 20 years since my ex who I loves. I see my problem!

Loved not loves.

The thing is, you seem to have felt this way about most people you've been seeing? Or do you really feel that this one is different?

I genuinely feel like this one is different. With this guy, we have been friends for 18 months and I feel like we know each other and have seen each other’s vulnerabilities. We’re like twins in some ways and complete opposites it another way. I have never felt such a strong sexual attraction. I think he’s great.

I think when you're falling hard and fast it might come across as obsessive. I could be wrong but that's how I would feel, especially if the person seemed to only tell me things I want to hear. It would personally be a red flag to me. I would feel like I'm never going to really know you. I would also feel like you depend on me too much. I realize this won't come across as nice, but it does come across that way to me.

Maybe I do depend on him too much but he hasn’t given any indication that he doesn’t like that.

I don’t think that I only tell him what he wants to hear. We clash and have a healthy level of banter. We had that tonight actually to the extent that I was worried that I had pushed things too far. We disagreed on something and I’m trying to be better at showing my feelings so I let him see that he had mildly upset me. He came down a bit hard on me but the friendship/relationship seems to have survived. I was trying to strike the right balance but show a bit of my feisty side.

This thread has been really interesting. Thanks for starting it OP

It’s not healthy to depend on someone you’re (now) keen on a romantic relationship with. Or indeed in a new relationship with. You don’t yet know if he wants what you want. Better to seek to establish this, and look to others for support.

18 months is not actually a long friendship. If one or both of you actually fancied each other from the get go then it was never “just friends” - I had a few past friendships like that, a couple turned out badly, but I did marry one of them

What’s the reason for the heavy phone calls rather than meeting for dates - his availability?