How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

Another example of something that Mr X did that you’ll hate. He saw my Whatsapp photo and I have to say it was an amazing photo. Another guy phoned me after seeing it and couldn’t help but say “Your photo is amazing!”. It’s a perfectly respectable head and shoulders shot. Anyway, Mr X didn’t like it. The reason is too outing (and not a good reason at all) but he really hated it. Why would he criticise a photo that everyone else thinks is fantastic??

Oh yes. He’s cross you’re going away and punished you for not giving him a straight answer. It will possibly have had the desired effect- you can see straight away it got to him you’re having a weekend away, hence his negativity. I would be fucking raging if a man dared to tell me I wasn’t ready to move up in my job. What a prick I’m astounded you still fancy him.
Ask yourself, did you come away from that feeling excited, validated, happy? Or insecure, unsure, and looking for more reassurance?

I’m astounded you still fancy him.
Ask yourself, did you come away from that feeling excited, validated, happy? Or insecure, unsure, and looking for more reassurance?
I felt hurt, unsettled, no longer excited, a bit dismissed and discarded by him, insignificant.

He’s been badly hurt by a couple of ex-girlfriends. No excuse but I think he has some issues from that.

I’m not sure if it’s relevant and I don’t think of people in this way myself but a couple of mutual friends think that I’m way out of his league. Maybe he’s trying to put me in my place. Who knows.

Oh yes. He’s cross you’re going away and punished you for not giving him a straight answer.
I thought this too.

I think he lashes out when he feels slighted. The thing about the photo was 5 minutes after he said something uncharacteristically daft which possibly embarrassed him.

Does cockiness not equate essentially to someone acting like they think they're above it all (including you)?! This doesn't sound great, at all.

I tend to find cockiness quite funny.

Sure, I agree these guys can be very attractive, but do think that the underlying dynamic is that they consider themselves superior. He sounds very boundary testing too with the comments about you coming back for more punishment (I know a joke, but never a truer word said and all that). Also, do you go for men who like a trophy type partner?

He sounds very boundary testing too with the comments about you coming back for more punishment
Please can you explain how he’s testing my boundaries and what he means? I know it’s probably obvious but I need it explaining! Thanks.

Also, do you go for men who like a trophy type partner?
I don’t think so. I go for very intelligent, very successful, accomplished men. I’m also intelligent, attractive, etc, so I would say we’re an equal match. Is a trophy girlfriend one that looks good but isn’t intelligent? That isn’t me. There are definitely more attractive women out there!

"He said that despite him being so exasperating I still keep coming back for more punishment."

Well it's true. It's arrogant and cocky because you're desperately into him (for some weird reason) and he knows it. He knows he can treat you badly and you'll come back for more.

"I felt hurt, unsettled, no longer excited, a bit dismissed and discarded by him, insignificant."

But you're still talking about him to us. If anyone made me feel that way I'd rant for a bit but I cut them off and wouldn't give them any more headspace.

"Maybe he’s trying to put me in my place. Who knows."

Who CARES? Who gives a shit? Why bother over analysing the behaviour of an arrogant twat who treats you badly and makes you feel bad? Drop him, move on.

You're making excuses for him already. You're heading straight into a dysfunctional relationship. If that's what you want, crack on.

He's arrogant and cocky

OP, there are so many red flags here - even I can see them, and I'm similar to you. He's not your boyfriend, he's not even that close to you, but even if he is - you can go where you want, with whoever you want.

You have got drawn into a strange dynamic with him. And one where he is (imo) starting to get controlling. He is testing boundaries. You are submitting to him - this isn't what you want! You want a relationship with an equal.

I'm just re-reading Lundy Bancroft (because it's linked to on another hread I think) - read the bits about how you can spot whether an abusive relationship is likely from the early days of dating. I wish I had read it.

I think you might benefit from the Freedom Programme, OP. There's an online course if there's no local one near you.

It almost feels emotionally a little S and M...all this "you're coming back for more punishment". I dint think he sounds like bf material AT ALL.

You say you go for very intelligent, confident, accomplished etc....do you go for kind men?

OP I'm reading your updates with increasing alarm. You seem to inadvertently get into 'sub/dom' situations. You keep mentioning how you like 'alpha' men. How you like arrogant men and cocky men. You seem to like men who 'take charge', call the shots and ride roughshod over you.

I'm wondering if backing away completely from dating and getting into a relationship may not be a good thing for the time being while you explore this.

You should be running very fast from this man. He is a gigantic red flag and showing signs of being domineering. He has no right to demand to know who you are going away with and he should not be undermining your achievements. Friends want the best for us and potential boyfriends are delighted for us to do so well and want to celebrate with us. They think we're the bee's knees and this bloke thinks you're a threat.

I wasn't sure before so said nothing but I think he's giving you the runaround and he's playing mind games with you.

My advice to you is keep him as a friend, back off and focus for the time being on therapy.

You say you go for very intelligent, confident, accomplished etc....do you go for kind men?
Interesting question. No, not historically. I suspect it’s because I’m a very kind person and I suppose I like being the kind one. Mr X can be kind. But he can also be cruel and selfish by his own admission.

It's not you, it's them.

I like dominant men because I can be fairly dominant myself so it’s nice to have someone who stands up to me and doesn’t let me wrap him around my little finger, which I feel like I could do with a less dominant man.

I completely agree that Mr X has no say in who I meet. That’s why I didn’t tell him despite his protestations.

I’m disappointed that he wasn’t more supportive over the promotion. That combined with his criticism of my lovely photo makes me think that he’s trying to pull me down, which just isn’t on. I agree that a friend or boyfriend should build me up, not pull me down.

I agree that this should make me no longer find him attractive. I’m working on this. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s some kind of master manipulator to have such a hold over me when clearly he shouldn’t.

OP, you really need to read "Co-dependency for dummies".

Seriously!

OP, it's nice when we find an equal, I don't like a pushover either but, our friends and partners should have our best interests at heart. This man sees you as a threat. He isn't dominant, he is domineering. He wants to assert authority and control.

You are attracted to a certain type and it may be because one or both of your parents were quite domineering. I don't know, as I don't know you but please, back away from this man as it's a car crash in slow motion.

I will check it out. Just quickly though, how are Mr X and I co-dependent?

He isn't dominant, he is domineering. He wants to assert authority and control.
I think you’re right but I think I enjoy pushing back against him. I think he’s used to women submitting fully or just not being interested so I think he’s enjoying the dynamic too. When we’re together it’s like we both come alive. Cheesy I know.