Healthy Sex Life

[ANormalHusband]

Hello all, I'm sure many of you have heard all this before but I'm looking for some advice.

My DW and I have been together for over 10 years and have two children (Younger than 10). We're both in our early thirties.

Over the last year or so I've become increasingly frustrated over my DWs lack of interest in sex and unwillingness to try to spice things up a bit. Prior to this we've always had a fairly healthy sex life but I just feel like things have slowed right down over the last year or so and her interest in sex is really low. Which she admits herself.
We still do it maybe once a week. But even then it's a "quick one" which in some ways I'd rather not bother with. I also work away for a number of weeks so feel like when I'm home we should be making up for lost time.
When I'm away I try to do a bit of flirting via text to build up some excitement but she just says she's not into it and shuts me down.
All of this has ended up with me feeling pretty depressed and moody as I feel like there must be an issue and she no longer finds me attractive in that way. She's adamant there's nothing wrong and I'm just being paranoid.

I've tried talking to her, suggested different things like adult board games, etc but she just will not entertain the conversation. She just gets upset and says that I'm putting to much pressure on it, and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it and gets uptight and if I relax more then it will happen more naturally.
I've tried this, and left any initiation to her but most of the time nothing happens other than a quickie (Which I think she just does to get it out of the way) which then leads back to me feeling down and moody. It just seems like we're stuck in a viscous circle and I don't know what I need to do to get out of it!?
Other than that our relationship is fine. We bicker about little things like most but nothing serious.
She's has a great figure and I compliment her all the time and tell her how attractive I find her and she's not overly body conscious. That I know of anyway.

Am I expecting too much?
I just want a bit more fun, excitement and intimacy.
Any advice?

Loads

1/ do you compliment her mind
2/ are you actually any good in bed without spicing it up
3/ are you suggesting threesomes?
4/do you do your fair share at home?

Compliment her mind. Not sure? I tell her she's a great mum and compliment her mind? Not sure. What does that mean?
I'd like to think I'm ok. Not sure about complimenting kelsooo,

Not sure on the complimenting the mind? In what way?
I’d like to think I’m ok in bed. Never struggled getting her to climax.
Not interested in threesomes, just more fun. More than just the same thing in repeat.
I’d like to think I do my fair share but does any wife think their husbands do enough?

what exactly is spicing it up

So you are working away a lot leaving her in charge of everything how do you approach coming back? I assume not with the make up for lost time approach. I assume you realise that you working away for her means taking on the load of EVERYTHING relating to the children and the house and the mundane day to day stuff that means her headspace isnt in the frame for sex. Its just isnt

Does she work too?
It must be really hard on you both with you being away, especially if she's on the go constantly while you're away.

Do you do date nights or anything together when you get back?

Do you do your share around the house? Do you cook dinner and look after the kids to give her downtime?

You tell her she has a great body and she's a good mum. Urg.

Do you care about who she is? Does she get enough time to herself? Do you encourage hobbies and time away for her? Do you do housework?

You’re not particularly interested in trying to think about or answer Kelsooo’s questions.
I think that is a clue.

I don’t walk through the door and demand it immediately if that’s what you mean. And yes I’m fully aware that women hold the fort when their OH work away. Something I’ll be eternally grateful for. But I’d also like the think that the sacrifices made to work away in a very remote location to provide are also appreciated in a similar way and somewhat make up for me not being there to help?

Echoing PP's. Do you split housework/mental load when you are home? Does your wife work? Does she have support while you are away? Does she get regular downtime?

Your post is a bit 'me, me, me'?

I'll have sex with you

But I’d also like the think that the sacrifices made to work away in a very remote location to provide are also appreciated in a similar way and somewhat make up for me not being there to help?

Nope. I used to work away one week in four in some utter shitholes. Right back on deck the moment I got home. The person holding the Fort gets the medals.

@ANormalHusband. You will get a hard time here so be prepared. In my relationship, I am the one (wife) wanting more sex from husband. What I will say is;
You work away for weeks and want to make up for it - so she’s left with “the household” so when you come back, she probs wants relief from that rather than “spiced up” sex;
Adult board games - complete no no;
Flirting etc to build up excitement - again, a big fat no when she’s left with the day to day drudgery if being a single parent (whilst you are away)

If you really want to ignite the fire, take sex off the table. Ask how SHE is. Is she reading any good books. What has she found amusing/upsetting/interesting this week. What can you do to make life better.

As I said up thread, I love sex and would do it every night given the chance. But not everyone feels like that and reading your post I don’t thunk you realise what makes her tick.

Yeah, your last post sounds like you are expecting her to service you while you do important Mens work. Like she should be grateful?
No. Her looking after your children/holding the fort means you are able to work in a remote location.

You really should talk to her. Or just try looking at things from her point of view.

I think your wife has told you exactly what the problem is and its this

She just gets upset and says that I'm putting to much pressure on it

All of this spicing it up/sending messages/you make sacrifices and need to be appreciated is the problem. You are making it a big deal and arent allowing for anything natural so much so she just does it to get it out of the way. The more pressure is put on the less likely we feel like it and if she feels you are sulking and she does it just to stop it really does stop it. You are looking at sex from your perspective and not from hers at all

Honestly, having young children and working or being their full time caretaker is exhausting. The only time I get off is Friday and Saturday evening (literally I work all day Monday to Thursday from morning til night, take a break for dh and I to put children to bed, then work til 10pm). My only time just to sit down is a few hours on a Friday and Saturday night. We have sex 1-2 times per month. Some months not at all bec we had a sick or grumpy child to deal with who woke up right in the middle of our only chance. A lot of times I’m just tired frankly.

If my dh tried to play an adult board game, I’d probably lose my shit. Sex is lovely but not everyone wants to have it all the time. If your dew is struggling, talk to her about what she needs.

Having loads of help around the house helps, having someone else cook dinner so you aren’t constantly on your feet, even better regular nights out and weekends away (if you don’t have a baby, this can be possible), and a partner who gets up and deals wither children when they wake or during the night really helps. My dh and I have a rule: if we have sex (realistically it’s an hour of lost but precious sleep for me), then he gets up in the morning and I get a lie in. It means I don’t spend the next day exhausted, because the dc take more of a hit on my sleep overall.

Do you show an interest in her as a person, outside of wanting sex and telling her she's attractive?

Your moodiness around not having enough sex and dissatisfaction with the sex you do have would put me right off sex with you at all.

With children in the house, are there actually opportunities for her to relax and have some sort of marathon sex session?

Wow. Didn’t expect this much of a response! We do date nights, I cook, I clean where I can. She sees her friends. I never prevent her from going out and actually encourage it.
I’m regularly compliment many things.
I can be moody, short tempered and distant which can be a problem but this is mainly due to this frustration.
When I say spice things up, then it’s really simple. A bit more frequent, more than just the same thing every time, No weird stuff, no fetishes, no one else.
Just for her to be more interested in it and be more invested and interested. Rather than dismissive and almost embarrassed to engage in any form of conversation.

Far too much emphasis is on what you want and your needs. What about her needs? Try taking sex off the table, give her space, plenty of time for herself to feel like her again without the daily demands of you all and maybe time for just the two of you to get some kind of intimacy back without pressuring her for sex all of the time.

I will also add that I’m the one who works away in our family. It is not easier to be the one left at home. My dh is exhausted during the week. No way I could convince him to have sex with me. He just wants to go to bed! Also it takes time to re connect and no one wants anyone pouncing in them when they haven’t even had an adult conversation all week.

I can be moody, short tempered and distant which can be a problem but this is mainly due to this frustration.

Sulking is a total fanny drier. Sulking will not get you more sex so I suggest you make an effort to stop that.

OP I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but Your latest post is a tad....hmmm... awkward...your sacrifices to work away don’t mean she has to make up to you by giving sex on tap. You are not working away FOR HER but for the family unit. Presumably she is not sitting on her arse watching 24 tv while you are away. You really need to stop equating sex with quality time - and as I said, I am someone who would do it every day - you need to show her you value her as an individual and not make all happyiness about sex.

Is she tired? If it’s a choice between sleep and sex sleep always wins.
And any whiff of pressure to have sex puts me right off.

If you really get grumpy and short tempered if you don't get sex I'm not surprised she's not really fancying it...

Ok I can’t keep up but I hear you loud and clear. I think I’ve got enough to put into action.
I had no idea Mumsnet was a lions den but I’m actually glad I posted.
Thanks for the advice!

I can be moody, short tempered and distant which can be a problem

Nope this is THE problem. It basically reduces her to feeling like an object to fulfil your needs. So she does but because she doesnt really want to and is only doing it to stop this its quick and over with and she manages this once a week. Only this isnt enough for you you want her to play adult board games do things slightly differently (I read this as her doing things differently so games/dress up/more involved) because the bit you are doing

She is dismissive because she doesnt want to say - this has all put her off sex completely. The way you talk about sex and her I can see why. She doesnt want to tell you I dont think how much having sex to stop you being moody has chipped away at her desire for you

When what she wants is for you to be invested and interested in her as a person, as a partner and as a family rather than withdrawing because she hasnt paid you enough attention sexually

and what exactly is clean when I can......

Oh my God, op - really?

She feels pressurised about sex and you continue to put pressure on and then sulk when you don't get what you want??

TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF!!!