Healthy Sex Life

[ANormalHusband]

Hello all, I'm sure many of you have heard all this before but I'm looking for some advice.

My DW and I have been together for over 10 years and have two children (Younger than 10). We're both in our early thirties.

Over the last year or so I've become increasingly frustrated over my DWs lack of interest in sex and unwillingness to try to spice things up a bit. Prior to this we've always had a fairly healthy sex life but I just feel like things have slowed right down over the last year or so and her interest in sex is really low. Which she admits herself.
We still do it maybe once a week. But even then it's a "quick one" which in some ways I'd rather not bother with. I also work away for a number of weeks so feel like when I'm home we should be making up for lost time.
When I'm away I try to do a bit of flirting via text to build up some excitement but she just says she's not into it and shuts me down.
All of this has ended up with me feeling pretty depressed and moody as I feel like there must be an issue and she no longer finds me attractive in that way. She's adamant there's nothing wrong and I'm just being paranoid.

I've tried talking to her, suggested different things like adult board games, etc but she just will not entertain the conversation. She just gets upset and says that I'm putting to much pressure on it, and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it and gets uptight and if I relax more then it will happen more naturally.
I've tried this, and left any initiation to her but most of the time nothing happens other than a quickie (Which I think she just does to get it out of the way) which then leads back to me feeling down and moody. It just seems like we're stuck in a viscous circle and I don't know what I need to do to get out of it!?
Other than that our relationship is fine. We bicker about little things like most but nothing serious.
She's has a great figure and I compliment her all the time and tell her how attractive I find her and she's not overly body conscious. That I know of anyway.

Am I expecting too much?
I just want a bit more fun, excitement and intimacy.
Any advice?

@Babymamamama

I think you definitely have point and I agree with you, but will add that the same applies gender reversed - a previous partner of mine was selfish in bed and a terrible lover overall, showing no interest or desire to ensure I was enjoying myself and getting what I needed. I simply couldn't be bothered any more.

I'd also add that some women are not very good at communicating what they want and expect their partners to be amazing out of the blocks and to be mind readers.

Groundfloor- Thanks. I think I needed and have now got similar perspective whether I wanted it or not!
I'm glad I posted. It's not all doom and gloom like some suggest. I'm still confident things will turn around as we have a solid grounding and are both fully committed to our relationship.

It’s a lot. If you’ve done it you will know. If not try it while you give her a spa weekend away as a treat with her pal or mum and see if you feel like sex when she comes back

I find this such a sad attitude and I see it on here a lot. Do you think that men working away are living it up? I can't think of anything worse than having to work away from home, missing all of the little and big things of family life, missing seeing the children every day, sleeping in your own bed, yet some posters here act as though the men doing this are off on holiday. Having a partner working away is tough on everyone,not just the wives.

Walk in the door and let her know that ur home and the pressures off her. Run her a bath, put the kids to bed, tell her not to appear until.the kids are down, then when she.comes downstairs ask her how she is, really listen, acknowledge her emotions - a million miles away from talking about sex and board games...

You're still keeping suspiciously quiet about what this 'spicing things up' involves in your envisioning....do tell please :)

'The idea that this is about being "Seviced" is also ridiculous. It's about a healthy relationship in which both people are happy. '

The thing is she's probably happier without this stuff than with it, at least while it's still feeling like she's being pressured into it otherwise you'll be going round with a face on, making her life less fun. As a PP said that is virtually rape- I used to call it anti-sex. It's the opposite of arousing.

@Whatsthesmell Exactly where I was coming from. I'm not and never have stamped my feet JUST because we haven't done it and maybe I didn't articulate what I meant very well. You've put it across much better than I did.

Teaandcrisps

What does the support for him look like? If he's to do all of this for his wife, what should she be doing to support him?

@Interestedwoman That's because I'm not entirely sure myself. Just something a bit different, a bit more fun and a bit more regular.

This may seem blunt, but are you any good at sex?

Do you make her feel that she desires you?

Is she so satisfied that she really looks forward to more?

That is the key. I know because I had an ex who like you was grumpy all the time. I didn’t give him enough. Apparently there was something wrong with me. I began to think there was too.

And then I separated and met other men, had a bit of spree. Wow how different they were. Some I couldn’t wait to see again. And then met DP who has many faults but he knows how to make me feel desired and I in response do that to him. In years we’ve never had a bad sexual experience it’s always good. Because he always starts with me needing tot want it, and me him. Neither of us ‘go at it’ - we are affectionate and passionate but if one doesn’t start to feel it, we just stop.

I can be moody, short tempered and distant which can be a problem but this is mainly due to this frustration. that is like the most unattractive and pressurizing thing ever.

When I say spice things up, then it’s really simple. A bit more frequent, more than just the same thing every time, No weird stuff, no fetishes, no one else. well you can’t go from feeling like your husband is grumpy through lack of sex to immediately then wanting to spice up anything. You are expecting level 3 when you need to reestablish level 1.

But it all amounts to a pressure to perform for her

@Clearnightsky She's always have me a positive response afterwards and I'm confident that I know how to satisfy her when the time comes.
But one worry is that she is also bored which is again a reason why I'm trying to spice it up. Albeit she's never complained about it.

We had friends where the husband worked away all week. He would come home Friday night and leave Sunday night. It was tough on them both. I remember him saying that he missed the family all week yet as he walked through the door he'd basically be handed a list of all the jobs that needed doing and he'd spend the weekend doing those rather than spending time with the family. For his.part he felt like he was basically redundant within the family - their lives had a rhythm, a pattern, that didn't involve him. It was incredibly hard and they both had to make the effort to really think about the other partner, but it absolutely was a 2 way street, it wasn't just up to the man to forget about his feelings.and send his wife off for the weekend.

It's that old cliché of women needing to feel loved to want sex and men needing sex to feel loved. I'd love to be desired in the way that your DW is.

@EatDessertFirst ok I have had a glass of wine but your phrase “sulking is a complete fanny drier” just made me properly laugh out loud. Best phrase I have heard in ages on the matter

I'm glad if it genuinely isn't like this OP, but my ex used to say 'I deserve it.' It truly doesn't work that way. That was why he'd go round in a strop- because he thought he wasn't getting something which was his right.

OP it’s just you said it was just a quickie and it didn’t sound really satisfying for either. Also you talk about wanting more. To be honest, if you are both very busy then it’s much better in my book to just take the pressure off, accept once a week, make that once a week fantastic. Or even cut it down. Just anticipate and tease it out to once a fortnight.

I do think a lot of bad unfulfilling sex imho is from wanting more better more spicy like some kind of slot machine.

And then resentment stacks up if this isn’t being delivered to one party and the other party feels pressurized and unsexy.

Sex has to build like a furnace.

Do you link how she feels about you to sex because there is a lot of assumptions from you about how she is feeling. Does your self esteem link to sex and her sexual satisfaction because having that reliant on anyone is difficult hor her and you. You because you take everything as rejection and to heart. Her because your happiness is linked to her and her performing and the pressure that puts on you both and your relationship is immense

Just a question, based on some observation; I read a lot of threads on here where the woman is very unhappy about the lack of sex in the relationship and are considering ending their marriage.

Are we to assume that in those circumstances the husband is carrying the load, making her feel special, taking a real interest, sharing the chores etc?

Or is that too much of a coincidence?

I suspect that a higher libido actually takes precedent over the above, but am happy to be corrected.

Using phrases like "spice things up" is going to wind any woman up....and then turn her off.
Complimenting her for being a "good mum" is, frankly, really unsexy. Would you like to be told you're a "good dad" as foreplay?
If you want your wife to respond sexually, focus on what she wants - ask her. Tell her you desire her, by all means, but also make yourself desirable to her.

Groundfloor's post from 22:23 is spot on. I would read it a few times and let it sink in.

I agree with you Dappledsunlight I love sex, but if my sex partner used "you're a good mum" as a compliment I'd feel as sexy as a floorcloth. I'm first and foremost a woman.

OP
Can I ask how long this has been going on ? Personally I think that it is a natural need for both women and men and is very important within a marriage . Obviously situations can change one s labido and sex drive and it requires effort and understanding on both parts. I also think that if a man is not having it in a relationship for a long time most will look elsewhere . You only have to try OLD to see this.
You come across as patient and understanding I wonder about sex counselling ??

Also this should probably be on the sex thread as well

Hope you sort it out soon

So you go away for work, she holds gown the fire and does everything herself. Then you come home and 'help with the cleaning when you can' and wonder why she's not swinging from the light fittings? How does you coming home lessen her work load? How do you liberate her and bring joy?

You need to ensure all jobs around the house have been completed to a high standard. Do the washing up/dish washer at least 2-3 times per week. Bathe the children and put them to bed at least 2-3 times per week, make sure you also read them a story. Run her a bath at least twice per week. Cook her a meal at least once a week. Get her a little gift every now and again. Do the hoovering.

And do all of the above without the expectation of sex and you may just get some. People think because a woman stays at home they have unlimited energy. Her job never ends, her to do list never finishes.

But I hear you OP. The other way round. I’m a SAHP and my DP just doesn’t put out. And I end up very ratty, short tempered and quite frankly pissed off. And it causes friction. Who knows if In the long run we will work, as it’s a big fucking deal.

Try and be more there if your not already. Yous two need to be a team.

Also have you spoken to her about it?

Sorry OP after reading it back I didn’t quite hit the nail on the head for my sarcasm! I do honestly feel for you though. It can really be a catch 22