Healthy Sex Life

[ANormalHusband]

Hello all, I'm sure many of you have heard all this before but I'm looking for some advice.

My DW and I have been together for over 10 years and have two children (Younger than 10). We're both in our early thirties.

Over the last year or so I've become increasingly frustrated over my DWs lack of interest in sex and unwillingness to try to spice things up a bit. Prior to this we've always had a fairly healthy sex life but I just feel like things have slowed right down over the last year or so and her interest in sex is really low. Which she admits herself.
We still do it maybe once a week. But even then it's a "quick one" which in some ways I'd rather not bother with. I also work away for a number of weeks so feel like when I'm home we should be making up for lost time.
When I'm away I try to do a bit of flirting via text to build up some excitement but she just says she's not into it and shuts me down.
All of this has ended up with me feeling pretty depressed and moody as I feel like there must be an issue and she no longer finds me attractive in that way. She's adamant there's nothing wrong and I'm just being paranoid.

I've tried talking to her, suggested different things like adult board games, etc but she just will not entertain the conversation. She just gets upset and says that I'm putting to much pressure on it, and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it and gets uptight and if I relax more then it will happen more naturally.
I've tried this, and left any initiation to her but most of the time nothing happens other than a quickie (Which I think she just does to get it out of the way) which then leads back to me feeling down and moody. It just seems like we're stuck in a viscous circle and I don't know what I need to do to get out of it!?
Other than that our relationship is fine. We bicker about little things like most but nothing serious.
She's has a great figure and I compliment her all the time and tell her how attractive I find her and she's not overly body conscious. That I know of anyway.

Am I expecting too much?
I just want a bit more fun, excitement and intimacy.
Any advice?

*its not medical!

Have you tried to do something intimate with her without expecting sex?

I love it when dh gives me a massage. Get some nice smelling oils and give her a back and shoulder rub. Release all that tension. Or a foot rib while you sit together on the sofa watching tv

Yes. Although the back massage needs to be sitting up - a lie down one invariably ends with DP trying it on (which I don’t actually mind but OP’s wife clearly will if she’s not up for it!)

The foot rub is a good one, because it is sensual without being sexual, not much chance of it leading to more and is wholly selfless. My DP rubs my feet every evening and I tickle his back. It’s a nice way to get close without being a precursor to sex, but it makes me feel loved and therefore more easily turned on later.

That's why it's worth reading our own posts.

Like you did you mean when you asked me if I'd read a post by a pp when the post was actually mine?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Like you did you mean

Not sure what you do mean there, though.

I really don't pay attention to pps names. But you seem to post one thing and mean different things, so I'd advise you to read posts pps reply to, yours or someone else's.

Lweji

Read back the posts from last night.

God my husband could have written this

*Do you always make sure she orgasms at least twice before PIV?
*
What fresh hell is this?

What fresh hell is this?

Surely that's paradise.

My dh Didn't work away but did work long hours.
I ended up feeling like his housemaid than a partner tbh. He let me.
I lost respect for him cos he didn't treat me like his wife, more like a mother figure and that was no good in the long run

Has she said how she feels about sex? Does she never feel like it anymore? Or does she just feel like it a bit less than she used to?

My sexual tastes have changed loads of times over the years. Im assuming thats normal. It looks like she still wants to have sex with you, but maybe less often than she used to in the old days, and not swinging from the chandaliers anymore. That is kind of normal. If you want to have the sexual excitement of a new relationship without children, then you might have to resign yourself to starting a new relationship every couple of years.
You could work on it with her. Make sure your emotional intimacy and supportiveness to each other is a priority. Great sex in a long term relationship takes a lot of emotional work to set the scene. Romance needs to be maintained or sex goes out the window.

What is PIV? 🤔 If I didn't cum at least twice while having sex with my OH then I wouldn't be satisfied. Your wife probably wouldn't be either op so step up your game when you do do the deed.

We're all different, that's the point, OP's not going to help matters by going in with a Mumsnet blueprint of how many orgasms his wife must have and in what position and when.

Penis In Vagina, i.e. PP likes to orgasm at least twice before being penetrated. This would not suit everyone.

If I didn't cum at least twice while having sex

Good for you but to generalise this to OPs wife is ridiculous. Most women are too tender after one orgasm to keep things going no matter how progressive this board wants to look

Let me tell you this - there is nothing worse than feeling under siege to have sex when you do not feel like it!

Back off - be affectionate - laugh at stuff together.

Give her a break - a duty quickie will be meaningless for her but she is doing it to get you off her back. That is not great for either of you.

Try and develop other aspects of your relationship - togetherness is the key - sharing things together that you both enjoy doing.

Pressuring women for sex just drives a wedge between you because the woman will stop thinking that anything kind you do is genuine, and that its aim is to get her into bed.

Am I the only one confused here? Various posters have spoken about them having next to no sex life. However, OP has said they do it once a week.

Only once a week and a quick one. No wonder he's depressed. Poor thing. How can anyone live like that?

I'd honestly love to hear the other side of the story.

@Lweji

Some people really enjoy sex. I don't know what you're hoping to achieve by mocking them.

Ha - yeh, like, not only do you want your partner to do it once a week...you want them to enjoy it as well? - some people never happy huh?

Some people really enjoy sex. I don't know what you're hoping to achieve by mocking them.

I'm not.

I may really enjoy something and not get depressed if I don't get more than a little bit once a week.
This is more than really enjoying sex. It looks like he loves sex more than he does his wife.

I really enjoy eastenders but I can go without it for a few weeks when I’m on holiday

It looks like he loves sex more than he does his wife.

And? There are many threads on MN from women who aren't happy with the amount of sex they are having.. some people want it frequently, some not so often, some not at all. Noone is right or wrong. The problem comes where 2 people in a relationship are mismatched. Neither the op nor his wife are wrong. Clearly bat the moment they are mismatched so they need to figure out what happens going forward.

There must be loads of couples with a mismatched sex drive. Are some of you suggesting that this means couples should split up over that alone? If my partner felt he had to leave me because he wanted sex three times a week and I could only manage once, he would be welcome to leave. What about us women who are having menopausal issues? Heavy periods, depression, exhaustion, sleeplessness. Do some of you still advocate that a partner should only think of his own sex drive in these circumstances? Would you still consider this an issue for him and understand that he would need to leave?

You can leave a relationship for any reason.

If either partner feels that they aren't happy in a relationship of course they have the right to leave. Why shouldn't they?

No one should be made to live in a relationship that makes them unhappy.