Healthy Sex Life

[ANormalHusband]

Hello all, I'm sure many of you have heard all this before but I'm looking for some advice.

My DW and I have been together for over 10 years and have two children (Younger than 10). We're both in our early thirties.

Over the last year or so I've become increasingly frustrated over my DWs lack of interest in sex and unwillingness to try to spice things up a bit. Prior to this we've always had a fairly healthy sex life but I just feel like things have slowed right down over the last year or so and her interest in sex is really low. Which she admits herself.
We still do it maybe once a week. But even then it's a "quick one" which in some ways I'd rather not bother with. I also work away for a number of weeks so feel like when I'm home we should be making up for lost time.
When I'm away I try to do a bit of flirting via text to build up some excitement but she just says she's not into it and shuts me down.
All of this has ended up with me feeling pretty depressed and moody as I feel like there must be an issue and she no longer finds me attractive in that way. She's adamant there's nothing wrong and I'm just being paranoid.

I've tried talking to her, suggested different things like adult board games, etc but she just will not entertain the conversation. She just gets upset and says that I'm putting to much pressure on it, and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it and gets uptight and if I relax more then it will happen more naturally.
I've tried this, and left any initiation to her but most of the time nothing happens other than a quickie (Which I think she just does to get it out of the way) which then leads back to me feeling down and moody. It just seems like we're stuck in a viscous circle and I don't know what I need to do to get out of it!?
Other than that our relationship is fine. We bicker about little things like most but nothing serious.
She's has a great figure and I compliment her all the time and tell her how attractive I find her and she's not overly body conscious. That I know of anyway.

Am I expecting too much?
I just want a bit more fun, excitement and intimacy.
Any advice?

@category12

I’d consistent once a week very frustrating and it wouldn’t be enough for me. I don’t have to be grateful for 5 minutes of shit sex once a week. If your not happy, sometimes all you can do is leave and find someone you’re more compatible with. Sex for some people is that important.

*consider not consistent- autocorrect

@Dadaist, how am I gaslighting? I couldn't have made my view any clearer and OP asked for opinions. I absolutely agree that the person who feels they are not getting enough sex has the right to leave. However, he doesn't get the right to put his wife under pressure to perform and to expect sex games when she's probably shattered from looking after two young children on her own. He's not exactly going without if they are having sex once a week. The sulking is unforgivable and will do nothing to improve things for either of them. A person does not have the right to expect someone to agree with their sexual preferences just because they are married.

@horse4course

Does that mean that all the women who post complaining about a not enough of sex in their marriage don't work like a donkey and have husbands who all pull their weight?

Or is that tolerated to a degree when the woman has a higher libido?

I'm just pondering whether the potential for a chicken and egg scenario exists in that the 'housework' factor is there to supplement a lower libido, and that if the libido was the same as or higher than the husband, the housework issue wouldn't raise it's head?

i.e, is the proximate cause still a libido differential?

It might be helpful to think back to when the sex reduced in frequency, because therein probably lies the answer.

@groundfloor I agree with much of what you say however I do also disagree with many women getting in a mood about their lack of sex lives.

Unless your partner is just refusing to engage at all with the issue - I think it’s just not helpful at all to be pressurising your partner through either moodiness or “spicing things up” into sex.

I thought sex therapists advise usually across the board to take the pressure off - and go back to intimacy - that is the grounding for sex to grow. It’s a growing thing that comes from many foundations - trust, energy levels, love, respect, passion...

You can’t just say ‘I’m fed up do it’!

I think the OP is getting a roasting when actually he's only asking advice about how to be close to his wife again! We seem to be in the usual territory of man thinks sex=intimacy and needs the validation that he's attractive, wanted etc and woman is knackered from shouldering all the emotional labour (and most likely physical labour) of the home and DC, and job.
OP, when you come home from working away, tell your DW you think she's amazing for managing everything while you're away, and you'd never be able to do your job if she didn't. Tell her you know she's tired, would she like a foot rub or a massage, with no expectation of sex. Watch TV together and cuddle up. Make her feel loved and special in whatever way you can, little gifts, flowers yes, but mainly saying over and over how great you think she is. (And yes, cleaning the bathroom or hoovering never goes amiss!) . I feel for you both, I really do. We have 3DC, youngest is 5, and I'm only in the last year or so begin to be really into sex again. It does take patience, but I'm sure you'll get there, and I don't agree with posters saying you should think about splitting up, it's just a very normal phase in a relationship IMO. Stick with it, talk, and work it out between you, with the help of a counsellor if need be. Not just for the sex part, but because it will help you to understand how she feels and what she needs much better.

Wow. Amazed at the range of responses here, and the amount.
There's a few who understand the way I'm feeling. EasyToName is one.
I absolutely do not want to pressurise my DW into anything but I get why it may be coming across that way to her after reading some replies here. But how to do you have a conversation about it without it somehow adding pressure? I'd love to know. I don't just want her to have sex with me, I want her to want to have sex with me.

As I've said, I'm really glad I posted and I have certainly listened to a lot of responses and some of the 'roastings'. Some of which I think are unfair. It's not about just sex. It's more about the connection and the intimacy and the feeling of being desired.

A lot of self reflection, and there is certainly more I can do to help DW feel more like a woman and not just a mum / housewife. Which I will start doing ASAP.
I'm also not going to discuss it with her again until I've put the above into action.
I'm certainly not giving up on my marriage because of a lull, as some suggest. No wonder there are so many divorces these days!

Oh, and I won't use the phrase "spice things up" again......

As an adult, you are entitled to a sex life. If you don’t get that from your partner, then leave.

You absolutely aren't. Unless you mean wanking, in which case yes. You don't have the right to any activity that involves someone else. That some incel shit right there.

@ANormalHusband you sound thoughtful and that you’ve read all posts on here. Good luck!

Just a tip - backing off sexually but gradually giving more affection is the way to go!

And then every now and then make an approach as in... you know not crude but something more than affection... like a passionate kiss in the kitchen... not long and if she recoils just make it really light, even jokey, and reassure her no pressure you just think she’s very sexy. And totally leave it there no matter how much you want to make the kiss something else...

Back off completely.

Believe me you will have sown a seed that will grow in her mind.

Try it!

Just skimmed through this thread. OP, I give you credit. You've posted on Mumsnet about this. You obvs care about your wife. Hope things improve 😍

@MrsTerryPratchett

You absolutely are entitled to a sex life. With a consenting person of course.
I’d say a husband/wife who decides that they no longer want sex, should expect their marriage to fail. It’s not a fair decision if one person still wants sex.
Granted in op’s situation, he still has a sexual relationship with his wife.

Sorry, not had chance to read the whole thread. But I am your wife in this scenario and I can imagine my DH writing this exact thing.

Can I suggest you arrange a date night, you say you do them, sort everything out for it. Have opportunity to sit and chat. And do not ask for sex, don't initiate it in any way, shape or form at the end of the night. Make it your intention to go home and have her fall asleep in your arms. Just hold her. Make her see theres no pressure. Then do it again. And again.

It's all good and well leaving it to her to initiate but if you don't change what you're doing and how you act, you will always get the same results. And stop fecking sulking about not getting any. My DH does this, subtly, but I know. Of course I can tell. And nothing makes me want it less.

@DBML
I’d say a husband/wife who decides that they no longer want sex,'

I don't think people usually/always decide they don't want sex. They often just stop wanting it and are really turned off at the thought. It's not a decision.

It's like, I don't like cod roe. I didn't make a decision to not like cod roe, or to go off the taste of gin and orange. I don't always want a cup of tea.

'It’s not a fair decision if one person still wants sex.'

No-one should have to have sex they don't want, whether someone else wants it or not. There's a word or two for making someone have sex they don't want- rape, or at the very least, sexual coercion.

Luckily the OP doesn't necessarily have this issue (although sometimes his wife doesn't want sex, and that's fine.)

Someone's got to say it; imagine if the positions were reversed. No one would say oh I expect he's tired and under pressure, why not cook him a special meal, just hold him and tell him how wonderful he is etc,etc. Try and understand where he's coming from, buy him gifts, treat him to days out. I mean come on....If you are constantly being rejected, it's devastating, crushing for your confidence not to be wanted. I know I'd start to feel unloved and resentful. I'm only human so shoot me down!

@Interestedwoman

I agree, no one should be forced to have sex they don’t want. So what’s the solution?

Granted not in op’s case, but if one marital partner goes off sex, what’s the other to do? If my husband said he felt like he couldn’t have sex anymore, I’d be devastated. I’d have no choice but to end my marriage or be subjected to a life without sex. I can imagine this is why many people end up cheating on their partners.

I think people tend to downplay the importance of sex in a relationship. They say things like ‘you have a hand’. Sex to me, is the single thing that separates my husband and my relationship from others. It’s relaxing, fun, keeps us close, intimate, reassuring and I couldn’t imagine the pain of that ending.

I don't think people usually/always decide they don't want sex. They often just stop wanting it and are really turned off at the thought. It's not a decision.

Yes it is. That is a decision. It might not be a very well thought-out decision but it is one none the less.

It's all rather simple. No-one has to have sex they don't want and no-one has to stay in a relationship they don't want. Therefore actions have consequences and 'put up and shut up' is still shitty advice even when the OP is a man.

"I can be moody, short tempered and distant which can be a problem but this is mainly due to this frustration"

Bloody hell, try seeing this from your wife's point of view:
"If I don't have sex with my husband, he becomes moody, short tempered and distant, and says it's because he's frustrated"

If your wife posted that on MN, she'd be told it's emotional abuse/coercion and to get her ducks in a row.

I'd tell you most women want emotional intimacy before physical intimacy.

I suppose many men feel like that too.

Yes, both can have moments when they just want sex and no need for intimacy. But I'd bet that if she felt connected with you she'd also want physical intimacy, not just a quick one.

When you're away, instead of sexy messages that will feel like pressure, try to connect emotionally. Mention your feelings, talk about your day, ask her and listen about her.

And definitely don't sulk or get in a mood. Nobody feels like sex when the other person is moody.

If your wife posted that on MN, she'd be told it's emotional abuse/coercion and to get her ducks in a row.

Interesting point that.

A new thread is running where a woman is posting that all intimacy, including sex, has stopped in her relationship because her DH doesn't want it.

She's now kissed a bloke in a pub and her husband caught her.

Most posts are defending the woman's actions - apparently she shouldn't be expected to be in a relationship with no intimacy and kissing this man was a natural desire to want to be desired by someone.

Strange how the responses are so different. Why do we expect men to not have feelings, to not feel the same way we do? Men are just expected to hide their emotions, to suck it up and we are so much more sympathetic towards other women we they behave emotionally.

That's rather a huge misrepresentation of the thread. The op there is doing absolutely everything while her partner has pretty much opted out of life as well as sex & intimacy. Here there is weekly sex and a wife busy and engaged in family life.

You say you think she has quickies with you to get it over with.

This is likely because she feels she needs to "please" you, and you've already said you sulk if you're not getting it.

This is emotional rape.

I know you will say NO WAY that's not who I am! But take it from someone who knows. I started in a relationship like this, and by the end he was so nasty and moody when I didn't sleep with him that I ended up just letting him do it, while feel completely violated with tears running down my face.

You're trying to make her have sex with you when she doesn't want to.

You're sending flirty texts, talking about spicing things up, talking about adult board games? What? She's not interested! You cannot force that, and should never try!

I wasn't trying to represent the thread. I was referring specifically to the comments that were made regarding the lack of intimacy and her kissing the other man. They related directly to it not being right that she should live without intimacy and it being understandable that she kissed this man.

A fairer set of responses would have been well, you're not entitled to sex or intimacy in a relationship, no one is, surely? That's what's being said on here and you're misrepresenting what the op said on here - a quickie once a week that no one is enjoying can hardly be considered weekly sex can it?

And the op here is busy too during the week - working away from his family. I cannot comprehend how difficult that must be and nothing in the world would make that tolerable for me. I certainly wouldn't feel lucky that I got the evenings to myself. I would be devastated that I was missing out on family life, on the little moments that mean so much - baby's first words, steps, hearing about their day, being at home and in familiar surroundings so no, I don't think the op.here is living the life of Riley whilst his wife is doing all the work. They've both got a rough deal and should both be trying to make the relationship work, equally.

Everyone telling the op he has to do X y and z for his wife, what about what she should be doing for him? Does she include him in the family while he's away, get the children to speak to him every day, tell them their news, include him in decisions, chat to him about what's going on at home, make him feel like he's still a husband and dad even though he's away?

She's not interested! You cannot force that, and should never try!

Of course not but that means the marriage is over. Very few people men or women, want to live in a celibate marriage.

emotional rape

Well, that’s insulting. Rape is rape. It’s sexual violence against someone.