Healthy Sex Life

[ANormalHusband]

Hello all, I'm sure many of you have heard all this before but I'm looking for some advice.

My DW and I have been together for over 10 years and have two children (Younger than 10). We're both in our early thirties.

Over the last year or so I've become increasingly frustrated over my DWs lack of interest in sex and unwillingness to try to spice things up a bit. Prior to this we've always had a fairly healthy sex life but I just feel like things have slowed right down over the last year or so and her interest in sex is really low. Which she admits herself.
We still do it maybe once a week. But even then it's a "quick one" which in some ways I'd rather not bother with. I also work away for a number of weeks so feel like when I'm home we should be making up for lost time.
When I'm away I try to do a bit of flirting via text to build up some excitement but she just says she's not into it and shuts me down.
All of this has ended up with me feeling pretty depressed and moody as I feel like there must be an issue and she no longer finds me attractive in that way. She's adamant there's nothing wrong and I'm just being paranoid.

I've tried talking to her, suggested different things like adult board games, etc but she just will not entertain the conversation. She just gets upset and says that I'm putting to much pressure on it, and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it and gets uptight and if I relax more then it will happen more naturally.
I've tried this, and left any initiation to her but most of the time nothing happens other than a quickie (Which I think she just does to get it out of the way) which then leads back to me feeling down and moody. It just seems like we're stuck in a viscous circle and I don't know what I need to do to get out of it!?
Other than that our relationship is fine. We bicker about little things like most but nothing serious.
She's has a great figure and I compliment her all the time and tell her how attractive I find her and she's not overly body conscious. That I know of anyway.

Am I expecting too much?
I just want a bit more fun, excitement and intimacy.
Any advice?

The sexiest i felt post early dc was when i came downstairs after a rubbish nights sleep due to being up with the baby and partner was cleaning the cooker in his pants.

It was a massive turn on as he was doing some housework and we ended up going back to bed afterwards iykwim

@Wheresmyshittingmeat

If your husband was unhappy because he wanted sex more regularly than yourself, I would initially advocate talking to you about his feelings and not just leaving.

If you dismissed his feelings, saying that your reasons not to want sex regularly were more valid, he might try to be understanding and put up for a while, but it’s likely resentment and frustration would grow.

The biggest problem here would be that you don’t think this is a massive issue, whilst to him it might be.

If he decides then to leave you’d think him horribly cruel and feel that he couldn’t have loved you, because you didn’t see the seriousness of your mismatched libidos. To him though, it may have been a long time coming and he might be hoping that he can have a chance of feeling happy with someone else.

Some people try to have both. Keep the wife/husband who they love, but take on a OW for the sex. I’d rather my partner just left to be honest.

Sex is very important and is the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship. You might think it not a big enough reason to leave a relationship, but I’d think it one of the most reasonable reasons to leave a relationship.

If you’re well matched to your partner libido-wise...we’re all jealous ☺️

Sex is very important and is the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship

A difference, but most “friends” don’t live exclusively with their best friend, raise children with them, or share finances with them. Deconstructing a romantic relationship into requiring sex is just naive.

But @busybarbara

Sharing finances and raising children is the boring stressful stuff. Sex is the fun bit.
It’s equally naive to think that sharing finances and brings up kids will maintain a healthy relationship. It’s important - but so is sexy time.

Surely it's a simple case of the stronger your libido, the more important a good sex life is, and the more of a deal breaker it becomes if you're unsatisfied and unfulfilled?

Because of this, you'll always get different answers to what are acceptable reasons for ending a relationship where sex is concerned.

Against a lot of advice here. I'd say she is not taking her half of the responsibility. It's takes 2 to make the communication necessary to keep a relationship alive. Much of this advice might be useful and maybe true, but she's not helping you is she?

She is definitely not into sex with you at the moment and I would guess she is not being honest about why. She needs to step up and communicate. However I do know/accept that he relentlessness of the male sexual drive can make women feel dehumanised.

Personally my long term relationship was starved of sex from his side, excuses and manipulation - when the truth came out - that he didn't find me attractive anymore, it was the wasted years that killed me. She needs to be honest. Or you need to build another life. Living without sexual intimacy from the one you love is living torture.

Groundwork I think has it in one. However if I’m being honest once I got to 45 (am in late 50s now) no amount of housework, date nights or compliments would have put me more in the mood. I simply lost interest in that side of things , saw it as a bit of a chore. I do know we are all different. Found out several unpleasant things that my H had been deceitful about to me and my libido flew off never to return, although we are still together and I kind of sadly ‘make myself’ make him happy a couple of times a month

Frankly, I do love sex more than a specific person. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who either wouldn't have sex with me or didn't enjoy having sex with me, no matter how much I loved them. I would be extremely unhappy. I would have enough love for myself to find someone more suitable for me.

I don't want a friend. I want a sexual partner.

Do you know what absolutely boils my fucking piss about this? You want to “spice things up” but you haven’t got a fucking clue what that actually means to you...so not only do you want sex more you want different “spicier” sex but you can actually fucking explain what that would look like to you adding an extra layer of pressure and work to your poor wife. “Darling I want sex more often and to spice things up. Sorry no, I can’t explain what I mean by that because I don’t actually know so it’s just something for you to worry about and give head space while I fuck about sulking like a toddler because you’re not a mind reader and even if you were I don’t know what I mean. Cheers love. What’s for tea?”. Ugh. I wouldn’t want sex with you.

The OP keeps reminding me of threads here where the woman complains that her parner wants spicier sex, meaning she has to dress up and play a role. Here it seems to include playing sex board games.
I do wonder if the OP has at any point listened to what his wife wants.

I think the op was trying those things to try and make it fun and more light hearted. His wife seemingly won't talk about it so there isn't anything for him to actually listen to is there?

People keep saying that the wife doesn't want to talk about it, but I think they should read the OP more carefully. Pay attention to what she doesn't want to talk about.

I have read it. He says he tries to talk to her about their sex life, has suggested trying to spice things up but she won't entertain thee conversation at all.

What are you trying to say? Are you reading it as she won't talk about board games and spicing it up, because I'm reading it as she won't talk about anything listed in that sentence not just the last 2 things.

Of course, she doesn't have to discuss anything. Equally he doesn't have to stay in the marriage.

Not quite like that
I've tried talking to her, suggested different things like adult board games, etc but she just will not entertain the conversation. She just gets upset and says that I'm putting to much pressure on it, and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it and gets uptight

I do wonder if when he does back off he keeps being nice and loving without pressure or just leaves her alone.

I've been part of that dynamic and it's not conducive to a healthy sex life.

I don't know if that's what is happening in the OP's case, but the way he phrases it, suggests to me that it may well be the case.

It might well be what's happening but at the same time he's not happy either. I don't see why all the responsibility to fix the relationship lies with him.

Is he wife loving and nice towards him? Does she do for him all if the nice things that people are saying he should be doing?

Both partners should be doing their bit to keep the relationship alive. Why is it down to only one of them to do it?

Why is it down to only one of them to do it?

It's not, but he was the one posting for advice, therefore the responses are bound to be more about what he can try.

Quite. And she's not the one complaining about lack of sex. And he doesn't complain that she's not caring or affectionate towards him. Just the lack of sex.
Like I wrote earlier, I'd love to know what is the other side of the story.

But he did speak about a lack of intimacy and that he worries that she doesn't find him attractive so that sounds like isn"t much affection there.

Nothing can be solved if she refuses to talk about it.

It was probably the grubby sex board game she couldn't talk about. If he's been going on at her for ages about this and suggesting sex games, no wonder she won't talk. She probably wants to run away in the opposite direction!

I just want a bit more fun, excitement and intimacy. Here he means sex.

Later he means intimacy in a more emotional meaning.

The thing is that, if you're still reading, if all the conversations go around having more sex and spicing things up and leading to sex, no wonder she's shutting it up.
If there's more cuddling and playing about without the expectation of sex, and conversations about feeling emotionally distant, then yes she is unreasonable about not wanting to talk about it.
I know which possibility I find more likely.
I'd love to know which one it is from the OP.

I think sometimes what people mean, when they say ‘spice it up’, is ‘reignite the spark’. When we’ve been with someone a long time - and especially if there are other things demanding our attention and our energy - sex can get really mechanical and quick. Everyone knows how to get everyone off, and it can be done efficiently in 15mins. And a passionate desperate quickie is fine sometimes...but sometimes you just want something slow and sensuous which builds desire and anticipation. But that is hard when you’re rushed and tired.

OP - I’ve been I need your wife’s position, where I was frustrated that all intimacy had to lead to sex, and so I started avoiding intimacy, because the sex wasn’t great because I felt tense and and put upon and like I had no say and wasn’t being listened to. If I’d been asked, what I wanted was intimate touching with no pressure to have sex. Kissing with no goal. A massage. Gentle caressing. Your wife may want different things. But you have to rebuild the intimacy and the trust - and accept that it won’t lead to sex right now (Sorry).

Have you considered counselling? Relate has specially trained sexual counsellors. There may be a waiting list but it may help, especially as it sounds as if the two of you have difficulty communicating about this. For now try to keep up intimacy, it doesn't have to be sexual. Hand-holding, hugging and holding are just as important and may, or may not lead to more. Intimacy is absolutely crucial.