for my reaction?

[whatdoidooo]

DP and I had a friend over yesterday for a visit. DP is the type to give his opinion or view on a lot of things, which is fine, but he does it a lot when he's not asked.

Friend was talking about spirits, haunted houses etc. I love that sort of stuff so was listening as she told us about a woman who lives near her and has spirits in her house. Said woman was speaking about it on a radio station and the producers paid for Paranormal Investigators (idk if that's what you call them?) to go to her house and investigate. They confirmed she did indeed have spirits. Whatever, friend told us because she lives near this woman.

She hadn't even finished the story when DP starts his rant. "those people aren't qualified, just money grabbers. all they do is confirm that you have spirits. i hate naive people. My issue is they're not qualified blah blah blah, she needs to see a clairvoyant...' like he has to have an issue with everything. this rant went on for 5 minutes and i was just sitting there like an absolute dick. mortified that he wouldn't shut up and let her finish the story properly, and the fact that he went on and on. she never did finish it. friend (knows us both well) said that he was being negative, which he denied. the other day, i pointed out to him that he was being negative about another matter but he's like "no, i'm not but...".

i walked out after his rant because my head was melted from it. he followed me out and asked if i was ok and that he was jut giving his opinion. i told him it seemed like he loves the sound of his own voice. i said this to him away from friend, but now i'm disrespectful, hurtful and out of order.

i'm just tired of it. he is 41 years old and still acting this way. i've told him i can't do this anymore as it's such a one sided relationship and i'm sick of it. we have two DS together and the oldest started preschool at 9.30 this morning. I don't drive (can't afford to learn) so DP is the only one who can take him in. He told me this morning, at 8.50am, that he wasn't taking him in as it's DP's birthday today and it's HIS day. he told me to arrange a lift for DS so i did. Friend was on her way to pick me and DS up (who was nearly late) and DP told me that he'd take DS in.

so he made me arrange a lift, then cancel it when friend was nearly here. i can't be arsed with his games.

OP, I spent 30 years being on eggshells around my ex.

I wish I'd left years ago. You have the opportunity to leave and raise your DC in a happy, safe environment, away from this control freak.

Both my DC have MH issues as a result of being with their DF, and I really urge you to leave for their sake, if you can't do it for yourself.

It was hard, but ultimately, DC and I are all happier and recovering.

Yes, I agree about getting the job after you've left.

must admit i sussed him out as a bit of a twat after your first couple of postings so not sure why some posters piled on you tbh.
i would certainly be looking to kick this relationship to the kerb.
he's rude and sounds controlling, and as for that text, well i'd have nailed his balls to the wall for that 'it's his day' shite.

You've got till 5pm today until offices close. And the weekend so no school for kids

1. arrange that lift to your mums
2. pack a bag
3. call your landlord and remove yourself from the lease (I know you love your house but the landlord could decide tomorrow to sell so don't become too attached)
4. call up and change the benefits address for you/start a new claim
5. when you pick kids up make them aware of what's going on and they may not be in next week.

Get to your mums. Get flat hunting or a room. Anything.

6. get emergency refuge or advice. Update your CV. Get applying.

@whatdoidooo I think call your mum and explain everything, family might come get you, I’d definitely drive 6 hours to help s family member in need, or maybe someone could pay for a taxi. Pack some suitcases. Go to your mums and sort things out from there. She can watch the kiddies while you sort out appointments for money/housing/anything else

He doesn't work.

You do all of the housework, cooking and childcare.

You wake up during the night for the youngest child.

He is rude.

He uses your DC to manipulate you.

Has he got any good points, OP?

I'm sorry you're in this position and I understand that you love the house you're living in, but you're only 31. Plenty of time to rebuild your life.

Your partner does not sound like a nice man and I'm sure you'd be happier without him.

Even if your family is three hours away it would be better to be with them than having to share your life with this man, who does absolutely nothing and is abusive to you into the bargain.

I think you have learned to live with his sh*t so although it is uncomfortable, you know how to deal with that type of discomfort, where as leaving him is different and unknown and so seems scary or daunting. However the end result is a much better outcome for you and the kids. So think long and hard about what type of discomfort you're happy to have: the quick kind that gets you to a happier life or the long type that lasts for as long as you're with him

I love my house

Sure, but you hate your life. In the long run, which is more important? In the end, a house is nothing but bricks and sticks, but your life (and your DC's lives) are the very most important things we have. It's up to each of us, as individuals and as parents, to be sure that we and our DC live the happiest, most fulfilling lives we can. Do you really think your children are going to grow up in a happy home with him behaving as he does? Pack your bags, get to your mum's with the DC. Then take a breath and form a plan for a better life. You aren't working, you don't own a home, your DC are not yet settled in school. There is absolutely nothing to tie you where you are. Get out and get happy!

And you do realize, don't you, that him discouraging you from driving (cost aside) and saying he likes driving you around is extremely controlling and a way of keeping you under his thumb.

I got my driver's license at 16 and I was driving in Los Angeles traffic and rush hour freeways as soon as I got my license. Your (not so) 'd'P's argument about 'crazy drivers' or whatever is just another one of his scare-tactics to keep you from becoming more independent from him. You are a fully functioning adult with a fully functioning brain. You can drive and drive anywhere you wish and under any circumstances. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise!

I know it's different in the UK, a 'Google' shows that the cost of lessons is around £1200.00. Do you have any friends or family who would be willing to give you a head start by taking you to a vacant car park or a back-road and letting you get the 'feel' of driving in their car? I learnt in an automatic, but my dad taught me to drive a manual in our high school parking lot. It really helped being where there was no traffic and I could just concentrate on the 'feel' of driving.

OP, I've been reading this thinking your DP is an ignorant, controlling bastard, but when it got to this:

he said he would 'worry' about me on the roads because we see so many stupid driving on a daily basis. and that he likes driving me around.

I think we can update that to Coercive Controller.
He is actively discouraging you from driving, to keep you isolated.
he is playing mind games about the lift this morning, then cancelling the lift direct to your friend - probably to make YOU look disorganised.
The whole clairvoyant incident consisted of him being disrespectful, hurtful and out of order. - but when you challenged him on it, he reverses it & pushes the blame on you by claiming that that behaviour only belongs to you.

He doesn't work, he doesn;t do anything domestically, he went & got just HIMSELF a pizza ffs ... you have yourself an abusive cocklodger dear OP. He is adding nothing but misery to your life & if he hasnt already started, watch out for the gaslighting.

Get rid! You will be SO much happier.

... i need to shower, so he has refused to have the kids so i can do that. not all the time but it has happened more than once

He even controls your showering!?
He "refuses" to look after his own kids in his own house?

Please leave this tiny tyrant.

@whatdoidooo - I hope you find the resource in this link very useful.
Your DP is making your life miserable, & you deserve better.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?hvlocphy=9073554&hvnetw=g&keywords=why+does+he+do+that&hvadid=259059439667&qid=1573831789&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlLKzpMTs5QIVibPtCh3W6gCbEAAYASAAEgKeyPD_BwE&hydadcr=24405_1748889&hvpos=1t1&hvdev=c&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=aud-613328383159%3Akwd-298737952027&adgrpid=56954102087&hvrand=4017987839426704550&sr=8-1

@whatdoidooo

I hope things are okay now it's no longer his birthday and he has less of an excuse to be a knob

i'm still here. he's been sleeping on the sofa and going up to bed when i have to bring the kids down at 5am when they wake. after being in to them both every bloody hour.

i told him it wasn't fair and he said 'it's not my fault you have to get up with them at 5 every morning'. i replied 'no i meant that it's not fair that i have to do it every single morning.' .. he just said 'oh well' and off upstairs he fucked.

i need to leave

You need to leave, today if possible.
My ex used to do sod all, while I worked and did everything with 3 kids. I eventually kicked him out when youngest was 9m. I felt so much better, lighter almost because although i still had to do everything now that he was gone, my head wasn't full of that seething resentment I had while he was still there.

@betteb what a dick. i got the comment yesterday of 'when one of us leaves, you'll have to do it all anyway'. like, great way to justify being a lazy prick 👍🏻 and is probably actually have more help away from him, from family etc.

Are you actually going to leave though, @whatdoidooo?

Because if so, start making plans.

Have you spoken to your mother? Or a friend?

Tell him today it's over. Nobody should be living like this love

Men like this are great at being lazy entitled knobs. After a few months my ex started refusing to give me any child maintenance, it was a pittance but it was the principal more than anything. His reason was that I could claim tax credits, so why should he have to pay
There is no reasoning with people like this. He also stopped seeing kids altogether within a year of us splitting, it was too much like hard work for him. However 12 yrs later I am now with a lovely man and much happier. Get out, get a job when you are ready, a place if your own that will be your home, it is hard I'm not going to lie but in the long run you will be much happier xx

@whatdoidooo, I'm no clairvoyant, but I can predict for you a much MUCH sunnier future without this absolute dementor on your happiness!

LTB - life is too short to waste with a miserable man like that!

i'll make plans today to leave this week. i will need to collect my benefits so i have something.

2 years ago, DP and i had a massive argument and he told me he wishes i'd leave (later regretted saying it). when he said it, i got my dad to come and get me, without telling DP. my dad borrowed a baby car seat for my son, who was 10 months at the time. DP came back to our home later and found me gone, so he texted me telling me to 'come home right now'. i didn't. he ended up dumping me BY TEXT while i was stood in the middle of a supermarket with my brother and my mum.

i held my tears back until i got back to my dads where i was staying. i broke down in front of him and told him. he comforted me. since then, he has been slightly off with DP. i understand it completely as i'm the only daughter and my dad doesn't want me hurt or upset. he still talks to DP, general chat. my dad isn't a big talker at all, he's generally a quiet man. i've told DP this several times.

around 10 days ago, my dad arranged today visit us yesterday. before his arrival, DP said he thinks my dad is rude and ignorant. (i'm nearly crying typing this, because my dad is such a lovely man)... i told DP i'd like some alone time with my dad, and DP refused. he called me a sneaky little bitch and said that i could say whatever i needed to say to my dad, in front of DP. i was going to tell my dad it was over and DP wanted to be able to 'give his side and set me straight'.

my dad turned up and was straight to say hello to the kids. he said a brief hello to DP, then came to me (id just come out of the kitchen as i was cooking). he was still talking to me when DP got up and stormed out, muttering 'you're fucking welcome to him, told you he was rude and ignorant'. i think he said something else too but i'm not sure.

my dad was taken aback and the visit was still lovely with me, him and the kids. i basically told him i was sick of DP and his shit, and he encouraged me to go stay with my mum with the kids.

how dare he speak about my dad like that.

i don't know my 'rights' with how i go about this. could i arrange to leave with the kids when DP is out or does he have to know? would it be kidnapping?

i'm a mess this morning. been up since 5am with DC despite being in to one of them every 45 mins last night.

to visit us*

I would have accepted the lift and ignored the partner!

Do you have a mortgage? Because it should be him leaving and you get the house to look after the kids?