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Original poster

for my reaction?

158 replies

whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 11:07

DP and I had a friend over yesterday for a visit. DP is the type to give his opinion or view on a lot of things, which is fine, but he does it a lot when he's not asked.

Friend was talking about spirits, haunted houses etc. I love that sort of stuff so was listening as she told us about a woman who lives near her and has spirits in her house. Said woman was speaking about it on a radio station and the producers paid for Paranormal Investigators (idk if that's what you call them?) to go to her house and investigate. They confirmed she did indeed have spirits. Whatever, friend told us because she lives near this woman.

She hadn't even finished the story when DP starts his rant. "those people aren't qualified, just money grabbers. all they do is confirm that you have spirits. i hate naive people. My issue is they're not qualified blah blah blah, she needs to see a clairvoyant...' like he has to have an issue with everything. this rant went on for 5 minutes and i was just sitting there like an absolute dick. mortified that he wouldn't shut up and let her finish the story properly, and the fact that he went on and on. she never did finish it. friend (knows us both well) said that he was being negative, which he denied. the other day, i pointed out to him that he was being negative about another matter but he's like "no, i'm not but...".

i walked out after his rant because my head was melted from it. he followed me out and asked if i was ok and that he was jut giving his opinion. i told him it seemed like he loves the sound of his own voice. i said this to him away from friend, but now i'm disrespectful, hurtful and out of order.

i'm just tired of it. he is 41 years old and still acting this way. i've told him i can't do this anymore as it's such a one sided relationship and i'm sick of it. we have two DS together and the oldest started preschool at 9.30 this morning. I don't drive (can't afford to learn) so DP is the only one who can take him in. He told me this morning, at 8.50am, that he wasn't taking him in as it's DP's birthday today and it's HIS day. he told me to arrange a lift for DS so i did. Friend was on her way to pick me and DS up (who was nearly late) and DP told me that he'd take DS in.

so he made me arrange a lift, then cancel it when friend was nearly here. i can't be arsed with his games.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 12:03

Everyone's having a go about the text but ignoring OP being rude to him because "he loves the sound of his own voice."
That's where this started.

And yes the text is very shitty.

Honeyroar · 15/11/2019 12:04

He sounds really hard work. Nevermind you ruining his day, he's ruining your life. I'm not surprised you don't fancy the idea of ever after like this!

Wherearemycrayons · 15/11/2019 12:05

How are you living if neither of you work?
He sounds like an asshole! Why isn’t he working?

DishingOutDone · 15/11/2019 12:05

My STBEx also has a thing about people not being qualified. So say for example we need to get medical support for youngest DD, I will run round to appointments, find consultants, apply for funding etc. and then maybe I might read something interesting about her condition and he'll say why can't you do x y and z, why can't you get funding, how are these people qualified, you can't believe what you read on the internet, you need to show me proper research. Then if I send him anything he needs to read through to be informed, he'll refuse to read it on the grounds that people aren't qualified ...!! I can send him peer reviewed research from the British Medical Journal and he will then trawl the internet to find something gainsaying that research.

Likes you relying on him for lifts - mine too, he is furious now we have two cars he keeps trying to get rid of one so he can control my access to a car. He tried to give one to DD18 who can't drive, she said no mum because then you will be trapped. When we only had one car he'd go apeshit if I needed it for work (so you learning to drive might be great but I bet it wouldn't resolve anything).

They're all working to the same script OP Sad

Goingbacktokansascity · 15/11/2019 12:07

@whatdoidooo are you in a position to leave him? You said he hasn’t worked in a while, are you currently working? He seems like a waste to be honest. He reminds me of someone I know, he’s 60s, his wife 50s, he doesn’t socialise, he sits an is opinionated on Internet forums (POT KETTLE BLACK FOR ME ... just kidding I socialise too..a bit) and is a control freak over his wife. She’s miserable but terrified of being on her own in her 50s. Don’t live with someone who’s constantly making you miserable

Newbie1999 · 15/11/2019 12:08

Do you think he might be suffering from depression? If my DH had sent me that text, I’d be massively pissed off but also a little worried about him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/11/2019 12:08

Hang on, why isn't he working?

And why are you running around sorting everything out/cooking/doing all the housework like a general dogsbody?

Fuck that! Stop doing it all and stand up for yourself.

Sounds like living with Victor Meldrew...

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 12:10

we are not married. we were engaged but the ring came off more than once, stupidly. he called me a c*nt and it's never going back on. i'm not working at the moment, just sahm. would love to go back to work when the youngest starts school.

OP posts:
Elbeagle · 15/11/2019 12:13

So you’re both at home but you do everything while he reads in bed?

Interestedwoman · 15/11/2019 12:13

I'm like it with the opinions etc and I recently got confirmed as having autistic traits.- but it could also be a sign of someone being a twat.

I don't think some posters have spotted the text with the 'leave me alone!' That was way out of line.

He sounds really stroppy. I wouldn't want to put up with that.

And you say he doesn't really help you much at all :(

I think you could consider separating from him- your DC's will no doubt have picked up on his moods- nothing has to happen for people to pick them up, or they'll have noticed his attitude to other people. Is hating' humanity a value you want instilled in them? Those are not your values xxx

just5morepeas · 15/11/2019 12:16

Honestly, I'd get back to work now and start working on leaving him.

You can either get childcare or him to help if he will and even if you're no better off it's a bit of freedom and experience and looks better on a cv.

It can be very easy to get stuck in a rut after having kids - don't get stuck with him.

paap1975 · 15/11/2019 12:19

He is bullying you and controlling you and trying to do the same to others. It does seem that you'd be better off without him

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 12:19

@elbeagle yep pretty much. youngest DS is suffering from a bit of separation anxiety and hates being away from me most of the time so i don't get a break. DP stormed off last night at bedtime, gave the kids a kiss and was going upstairs. i said 'so im doing bedtime yet again?' and he said yep and went up.

there have been times where we've argued but i need to shower, so he has refused to have the kids so i can do that. not all the time but it has happened more than once, but a shower is the only 'me time' i get and even that rushed.

OP posts:
MummyJasmin · 15/11/2019 12:20

He sounds like an absolute dick!

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 12:20

honestly if i were one of you ladies and reading this, i would be suggesting you leave. ugh

OP posts:
worriedmumtoteen · 15/11/2019 12:21

There is resentment there. he isn't working, hasn't been for ages now. i'm up at 5am every morning with both kids, i cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for all 4 of us. i do bedtime with both kids every single night. i don't get 'me time'.i do all the housework.

I[m not surprised you're resentful!!

This really isn't about your h interrupting your friend. It's about you being totally fed up living with this waste of space who does absolutely nothing to help run his own house or parent his dc, shows no care or respect for you, is abusive (his arguing style, stonewalling) and controlling (he can go out in the car, doesn't want you to drive, he tells me he likes me relying on him to get places).

Just what does he bring to your life? (How can you afford to live if neither of you are working?)

His text to you was horrible - rude, selfish, vile. Great big man baby. I could not live with a man like that.

What are you going to do, op?

TryingToBeBold · 15/11/2019 12:22

@whatdoidooo

The situation with your friend is neither here nor there. He had an opinion. You didn't agree. You felt defensive of your friend. Just ended up bickering.

BUT

That text? I'd pack his fucking bags and tell him in that case he can spend every future birthday on his own.

Sounds like an asshole if you ask me. He likes driving you around. Is worried about other drivers? Screams control to me.

He doesn't work and doesn't do anything around the house. You've given him this option (I know it's easier in the long run). But this is no way a father or husband should act.
If he's not working how is he running his own car?

just5morepeas · 15/11/2019 12:22

Do you have any family you can ask for help? It can be hard admitting that you made a mistake, but think of your kids. He is their example.

fpurplea · 15/11/2019 12:26

I keep on writing something, going back to check what you've put, and then having to start again because I'm getting more angry for you. That text message is shit. Utter shit. The whole not working thing, was that a choice or enforced? Is he trying to get working again? Has it got worse since then? I'm clutching at straws to find an explanation as to his arseholishness.

For the record, my OH is also of the "loves the sound of his own voice" brigade. He did exactly the same thing as your OH during a conversation with his mum about spirits etc (minus the "real clairvoyants bit.) I call him out on it all the time, usually less politely than how you've described. Sometimes he gets annoyed with me about it, when it's something he feels particularly right and more knowledgeable over, but that doesn't last long, because he recognises that he does it and it pisses people off. Never would he go into a 2 day sulk to the detriment of the rest of the family.

As to the driving thing, have you got any friends to give you informal lessons? Sounds like he's using being the only driver in the house as an excuse to avoid actually pulling his weight. I assume he hasn't offered to teach you himself? I know learning and the tests are only the beginning of the costs and the early years of being insured are expensive, but if you can scrape the money together, I'd try and get your license as soon as you can, and stop having to rely on this manchild for his car. Good luck.

Sunflowersok · 15/11/2019 12:30

It’s good OP, it needs to come out.

Is this something you have just been tolerating or have you had sit down serious talks with him?

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 12:31

he has been depressed and suicidal in the past. we are both on benefits at the moment and i hate it that we have to rely on taxpayers. i'm miserable most days and exhausted being up at 5am and not getting a break all day until bedtime. i do all the night wakings too as youngest DS is a bit of a shit sleeper.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/11/2019 12:32

So you’re both at home but you do everything while he reads in bed?

He's called you a c*nt...

And yet you carry on with this terrible relationship?

No doubt you'll be saying he's a 'great Dad' next.

Wake up OP, he's got you exactly where he wants you and he's not going to change. This is a toxic, abusive relationship and I think you're totally in denial.

Do you own or rent? Who's name is everything in?

Please start making plans to split up.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/11/2019 12:34

The more you post the worse he sounds, leave his lazy, rude ass OP

crosspelican · 15/11/2019 12:36

WTF? Get a job and leave this loser. I am speechless at his level of entitlement, and he's just going to get worse with age.

You're in a village, I gather, right?

You're either going to need to move to a bigger town to work or get a car. Do you have any family who can lend you the money to get out now? Or could you get a small loan? £5k or less would get you out and into a 2 bed flat near potential employers before Christmas. Why waste another 6 months with this awful person dragging you down?

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 15/11/2019 12:36

:24*Yarboosucks

You do not need any form of qualification to identify spirits in a house. So your DP is completely wrong.

I have zero paranormal qualifications and I know we have gin, vodka and whiskey in the house.*

Off topic Yarboo it does not suck to be you!