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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

for my reaction?

158 replies

whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 11:07

DP and I had a friend over yesterday for a visit. DP is the type to give his opinion or view on a lot of things, which is fine, but he does it a lot when he's not asked.

Friend was talking about spirits, haunted houses etc. I love that sort of stuff so was listening as she told us about a woman who lives near her and has spirits in her house. Said woman was speaking about it on a radio station and the producers paid for Paranormal Investigators (idk if that's what you call them?) to go to her house and investigate. They confirmed she did indeed have spirits. Whatever, friend told us because she lives near this woman.

She hadn't even finished the story when DP starts his rant. "those people aren't qualified, just money grabbers. all they do is confirm that you have spirits. i hate naive people. My issue is they're not qualified blah blah blah, she needs to see a clairvoyant...' like he has to have an issue with everything. this rant went on for 5 minutes and i was just sitting there like an absolute dick. mortified that he wouldn't shut up and let her finish the story properly, and the fact that he went on and on. she never did finish it. friend (knows us both well) said that he was being negative, which he denied. the other day, i pointed out to him that he was being negative about another matter but he's like "no, i'm not but...".

i walked out after his rant because my head was melted from it. he followed me out and asked if i was ok and that he was jut giving his opinion. i told him it seemed like he loves the sound of his own voice. i said this to him away from friend, but now i'm disrespectful, hurtful and out of order.

i'm just tired of it. he is 41 years old and still acting this way. i've told him i can't do this anymore as it's such a one sided relationship and i'm sick of it. we have two DS together and the oldest started preschool at 9.30 this morning. I don't drive (can't afford to learn) so DP is the only one who can take him in. He told me this morning, at 8.50am, that he wasn't taking him in as it's DP's birthday today and it's HIS day. he told me to arrange a lift for DS so i did. Friend was on her way to pick me and DS up (who was nearly late) and DP told me that he'd take DS in.

so he made me arrange a lift, then cancel it when friend was nearly here. i can't be arsed with his games.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/11/2019 11:45

OP I think the way you have posted isnt helping - the first bit is taking the attention whereas you actually have far more issues

In essence he is doing absolutely nothing and the text he sent was awful

I would ignore the first bit and post the rest in relationships

Hidingtonothing · 15/11/2019 11:45

It's a cliche but you can't change his behaviour, only your reaction to it. If the elements of his character you dislike are outweighing the ones you like then it's probably time to re-evaluate your relationship. Would you be happier without him do you think?

Whatnameisgood · 15/11/2019 11:45

Just seen your 11.40 update. It gets worse! Why would you stay with this man? He seems to bring absolutely nothing to the table.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/11/2019 11:47

He’s horrible - what are you doing OP?!?

Are you in your right mind? Why are you still with this nasty, selfish idiot?

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 11:47

@whatnameisgood
8.50am "i'm not taking him to school. you arrange it"
i arranged it.
9.25am "i'll take him to school".
when the arranged lift was 5 mins away.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 11:49

thanks everyone for the replies. i'm having a long hard think about what i'll do. this past week has me thinking 'is this why i really want forever?' and no i don't think it is.

OP posts:
MissSueDenim · 15/11/2019 11:50

Of course he’s wrong, he said My issue is they're not qualified blah blah blah, she needs to see a clairvoyant..., what bloody qualifications do clairvoyants have!?

Whether you believe in this stuff or not is irrelevant, his logic makes no sense & it sounds like he’s just contrary for the sake of it.

I know someone like your DH OP & it’s absolutely draining.

onanothertrain · 15/11/2019 11:50

Your original post is not a big deal. Can't say the same about the following drip feeds though. You clearly don't like him and you're probably justified so leave.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/11/2019 11:51

That message, he sounds like a real prince

Winterdaysarehere · 15/11/2019 11:53

What a control freak!.
You know he isn't a good example for your dc?
And he certainly isn't a good dh either.
I would be looking for an alternate future op..

just5morepeas · 15/11/2019 11:54

I'd seriously think about your future together. At 40 he's unlikely to change much imo. (Speaking as someone who is 40 before anyone complains!)

And you in your 30's have most of your life still ahead of you. Do you want to spend all those years with him? Would you be happier without him?

Whatever you do I'd try and gain some independence from him. Learn to drive if possible - I'm learning atm it's never too late - if needs be ask for money for driving lessons as birthday/Xmas gifts if that helps fund it.

Do you work?

Thehop · 15/11/2019 11:54

From your further messages he sounds like a dick head.

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 11:54

i'll be getting the 'you ruined my birthday' messages later. like i get accused of ruining his days if we argue.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 15/11/2019 11:55

8.50am "i'm not taking him to school. you arrange it"
i arranged it.
9.25am "i'll take him to school".
when the arranged lift was 5 mins away.

I would have told him no, you have a lift organised now.

Runningonempty84 · 15/11/2019 11:56

I'm with him on the haunted house shite.

But the not taking your own child to school, because it's your birthday, is fucking ridiculous.

Sounds like you don't like each other very much and it's time to call it a day.

KanelbulleKing · 15/11/2019 11:56

What does he contribute to the household?

BobTheDuvet · 15/11/2019 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DishingOutDone · 15/11/2019 11:58

OP why not start this again; re-type a new post in Relationships and leave out the bit about arguing about a haunted house. He's clearly a selfish dick - that text is a corker. My STBExH would say something like that but he's too clever to put it in a text message.

You need to think about what you want from life for you and the DCs.

crosspelican · 15/11/2019 11:59

Apart from the fact that yes, he is a dick, it's also slightly hilarious that he objected to the person having UNQUALIFIED paranormal investigators in, as though there were legit, qualified paranormal investigators out there who could be trusted to do an honest job. Grin Grin

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 12:00

@aryastarkwolf i did. stupidly told him who the lift was so he messaged her and told her not to bother.

OP posts:
Elbeagle · 15/11/2019 12:01

Laughing at the thought of a clairvoyant being ‘qualified’.
I think you posted about the wrong thing initially... yeah the spirit thing was annoying but I’d struggle to listen to 5 minutes of that bollocks without intervening.
However it’s clear that his behaviour over the other issues is appalling. That text message is mind blowing, my 6 year old wouldn’t even tell me that her birthday was ‘all about her’. He sounds like a spoilt brat.

littlemeitslyn · 15/11/2019 12:01

Idiot replies

Owlypants · 15/11/2019 12:02

Do you really want to live him? If he's always like this and tells you that you are ruining his life he's obviously not worth your time. Don't be stuck in a miserable relationship, get yourself out and enjoy life.

crosspelican · 15/11/2019 12:02

Just read the whole thread - he brings nothing to your life.

If you divorce him and get rid of this deadweight you will have just as little help, but ALL the freedom and joy of having nobody around to belittle you and poison the atmosphere with his shitty attitude all day.

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 12:02

@bobtheduvet he said he would 'worry' about me on the roads because we see so many stupid driving on a daily basis. and that he likes driving me around. i would learn if i could afford it, but i couldn't afford all the lessons, tax, etc. main one being insurance as i've researched before and it is absolutely insane. i think if i had 10k in the bank, he would discourage the driving. i would love the freedom and independence though

OP posts: