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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

for my reaction?

158 replies

whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 11:07

DP and I had a friend over yesterday for a visit. DP is the type to give his opinion or view on a lot of things, which is fine, but he does it a lot when he's not asked.

Friend was talking about spirits, haunted houses etc. I love that sort of stuff so was listening as she told us about a woman who lives near her and has spirits in her house. Said woman was speaking about it on a radio station and the producers paid for Paranormal Investigators (idk if that's what you call them?) to go to her house and investigate. They confirmed she did indeed have spirits. Whatever, friend told us because she lives near this woman.

She hadn't even finished the story when DP starts his rant. "those people aren't qualified, just money grabbers. all they do is confirm that you have spirits. i hate naive people. My issue is they're not qualified blah blah blah, she needs to see a clairvoyant...' like he has to have an issue with everything. this rant went on for 5 minutes and i was just sitting there like an absolute dick. mortified that he wouldn't shut up and let her finish the story properly, and the fact that he went on and on. she never did finish it. friend (knows us both well) said that he was being negative, which he denied. the other day, i pointed out to him that he was being negative about another matter but he's like "no, i'm not but...".

i walked out after his rant because my head was melted from it. he followed me out and asked if i was ok and that he was jut giving his opinion. i told him it seemed like he loves the sound of his own voice. i said this to him away from friend, but now i'm disrespectful, hurtful and out of order.

i'm just tired of it. he is 41 years old and still acting this way. i've told him i can't do this anymore as it's such a one sided relationship and i'm sick of it. we have two DS together and the oldest started preschool at 9.30 this morning. I don't drive (can't afford to learn) so DP is the only one who can take him in. He told me this morning, at 8.50am, that he wasn't taking him in as it's DP's birthday today and it's HIS day. he told me to arrange a lift for DS so i did. Friend was on her way to pick me and DS up (who was nearly late) and DP told me that he'd take DS in.

so he made me arrange a lift, then cancel it when friend was nearly here. i can't be arsed with his games.

OP posts:
crosspelican · 15/11/2019 12:37

No doubt you'll be saying he's a 'great Dad' next.

I think she would struggle to justify even that, given what she says he does with the kids! (i.e. precisely zero)

just5morepeas · 15/11/2019 12:37

The more I hear the worse it sounds. Get out and don't bloody look back!

fpurplea · 15/11/2019 12:38

Fuck it gets worse. You have no plans to marry this man. He is a total selfish, controlling, manipulative dick. Why are you still with him?! I PROMISE, there is a life beyond this bullshit drudgery you're going through. And you and the DCs will be so much happier for it.

shushymcshush · 15/11/2019 12:44

He's a knob.

Warning. It will get worse and you'll spend your days creeping round on eggshells. DF was like it. Made our childhoods hell.

Seaweed42 · 15/11/2019 12:46

You need to get support from a person in real life. Are there any free counselling services near you? Or free telephone counselling?
One point to make. There is not point saying things like 'I can't do this anymore' but not actually doing anything. The more in fear he is that you will leave him, the more he will cling to you and not go out and get a job. You remove your attention from him, then he tries to punish you, and he now is punishing you by using your child to manipulate you. His trick with the school run was seriously abusive of you and your child.
His self image is the only thing he cares about, that's why he suddenly took the kid to school in case the neighbour would see what a prick he is to his wife and child.
Have you family anywhere you can go to? What is the story with your housing currently?

TryingToBeBold · 15/11/2019 12:46

So he can afford insurance tax and fuel on benefits.
So you can too.
All he needs to do is teach you and there's no good reason why he cant apart from being controlling

VanyaHargreeves · 15/11/2019 12:52

Paranormal stuff is a red herring, lots of people don't agree with it, it's just the straw that broke the camels back

I do know a lot of men who love the sound of their own opinion, but this is different he is nasty, negative, selfish and draining

He adds nothing to your life or by the sounds of it your DS's life

Time to re-evaluate

lookatthebabypenguin · 15/11/2019 12:53

i would love the freedom and independence though

Which is exactly why he's against it. If you have freedom and independence, he loses his power and control over you.

Look up the Freedom Programme. Your description of your partner is starting to sound a lot like their information course on domestic abuse.

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 12:55

he's upstairs for the day now and i'm doing lunch with a whingy baby hanging off me and DS is home from school

OP posts:
Goingbacktokansascity · 15/11/2019 12:59

@whatdoidooo would you leave him? Do you have somewhere to go? You really should do it now while you’re angry and feel motivated to enforce change rather than when you’re back into the routine and feeling worn down

PixieDustt · 15/11/2019 13:02

There is a way to go about certain conversations you have a different opinion on though. The way he handled it was childish. Should of at least let her finish her story before he interrupted.

Do you think he doesn't want you driving because that would mean you would have your own independence and be able to be away from him and not have to ask for lifts?

TryingToBeBold · 15/11/2019 13:04

Hes a child. Simple as that.

Winterdaysarehere · 15/11/2019 13:04

I hope you aren't cooking for him mind...

Molly2010 · 15/11/2019 13:05

OP he sounds really mean. There doesn’t sound like there is any joy. I know it can’t be fun and games all the time but what happiness is he bringing to your and your children’s lives?
I know leaving or separating isn’t easy, but you have to know there is more to life then this? It sounds miserable living with this man.

Original poster
whatdoidooo · 15/11/2019 13:07

@goingbacktokansascity i COULD go to my mums which is 3 hours away. i'd have to get someone to collect me and the kids and belongings. we rent so he'll refuse to leave, like he has done in the past. both names on lease. i love my house so would rather stay where i am. all family are 3 hours away

OP posts:
AppleOrchard · 15/11/2019 13:07

whatdoIdooo find your inner strength, your power, you're a loving mum and an intelligent woman.
Find your waý to be free of this negetive man.
You will love driving, I passed my test at 35 such freedom!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/11/2019 13:11

Um, you're living with a cocklodging manchild.
You are essentially his mother, while he is a sulking teenager.

This is not attractive.

You would cope better on your own than with this useless lump of lard hanging around the place, giving attitude, controlling when and where you can go, and doing fuck all to help - including refusing to actually parent his two offspring.

Please get rid of him. I can't see any benefit to you keeping him around. Also, I realise that learning to drive is a very expensive outlay for you, but surely it has to be worth it to stop being beholden to this selfish wanker?

Start planning - save, do whatever you need to, scrape the money together to learn to drive etc., can you borrow from your family? - and then heave him out, because you don't need a taxi driver lodging in your house.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/11/2019 13:13

Sorry, missed your latest post.

Go to your mums. Leave him to it. OK, you love your house, but if he won't leave, and all your family support is 3 hours away, then 3 hours away is a better place for you to be. You've got no support where you are, and a miserable fucking waste of space lump of male flesh dragging you down in the "house that you love" - you'll probably be much happier out of it, in all honesty, because it won't have HIM in it!

Please call your mum to come and get you and the kids. x

just5morepeas · 15/11/2019 13:15

i love my house so would rather stay where i am.

You can find another house! Think of your future house, free of him, where your children and you can be happy.

A relatively short amount of time spent living with your mum is more than worth it. You can get back on your feet and eventually get your own - just as lovely - place.

Don't let fear hold you back - be afraid of spending the rest of your life with this man. If you were advising a best friend in your situation - what would you tell them to do?

lottiegarbanzo · 15/11/2019 13:16

Well, based on your OP he's an arrogant tosspot who has difficulty maintaining friendships. But the rest of it... this is a really nasty man (and one who sees your children as yours alone).

Leave him to it, however, whenever you can.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/11/2019 13:18

You've answered your own question surely.

Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?

Jesus. One life, and you spend it listening to a miserable, nasty bastard ranting and bullying and just generally making you feel like shit.

You say you love your house and you wouldn't want to go but it's NOT your house, it's rented, there will be other houses you love and will move on to. And, you're not working. And, your children are tiny and portable. You could literally pack and go and start a new life and be HAPPY.

What is keeping you in the area you're in - really keeping you? How long have you lived there, are there amazing friends, is it the place you really want to be? Because if not, don't hesitate, move on. Especially move on while your little ones are babies and will adjust, and before he wrecks their childhood with his bullying and showing them exactly how to learn to be a nasty, miserable, abusive adult man.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/11/2019 13:19

Also, you're young and have most of your life ahead of you. Even when the youngest is in school, you'll only be mid-thirties. Plenty of opportunity to get back into work, re-train, forge a career, new relationships - to do whatever you want with your life.

Just think how very different your life could be by the time you're 41!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2019 13:26

Christ!
Learn to drive
Get a job (?)
Save some money
Move the fuck away from this cunt

bullyingadvice2017 · 15/11/2019 13:26

You know what you need to do op. You have answered your own question.
I got to 31 in a similar position... And thought is this what I want to have as my life? Pandering to someone else's bullshit when they would not dream even for a second on pandering to my perfectly reasonable needs!
No was the answer. I'm 33 now, loving life on my own and cannot believe how I put up with it for so long... so so grateful that I'm not going to be 50 and regreting wasting years of my life on him.

Get out ok. Start living your life.

bullyingadvice2017 · 15/11/2019 13:31

Also, everyone will jump on you about getting a job. Be carefull not to put yourself in the position of you being the worker and him being the stay at home childcare.... He then could keep the children if he wants to get nasty. I would get out and then sort part time work out when you will qualify for help with childcare aswell.

Won't be the popular opinion but you have to do what's best for you and your kids. Right now you just need to get out.

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